Sun, Oct 16 2:00 pm

Birth of the scheme.

The morning immediately following my last post, Anthony texted me and asked if I wanted to go to a SCAD building with him. He needed to do some paperwork so his passed absences due to his wrist could be excused. So I went with him. In our walk there, the whole "we should take it easy" thing went out the window. He couldn't stay away from me. So we were acting like a couple again.

But then, today, he flipped again. For real this time.

Here's my actual entry:

I know what I want and I have a plan. However selfish it makes me, I want them both. One is over 1000 miles away, Ohio. The other is 1000 feet away, the other residence hall. The situation provides the perfect opportunity to do as I please. However cruel and deceitful it makes me, I fully intend to lie to one and cheat on the other. What they don't know can't hurt them.

Douglas is the man I love. We've been dating for over a year now. He understands the difficulty in long distance and why most couples in long distance relationships don't work - there's no sex - no physical closeness. And it's not as if either of the couple could go to a nearby, more convenient person to fulfill such needs. Because that's considered cheating, and cheating is wrong. Once this no-sex-with-others rule is established, both members of the couple get all sex deprived and lonely, constantly meeting people they'd love to sleep with and being unable to do so. When the loneliness and sexual tension becomes too much, the inevitable happens: they either cheat or break up. If they don't break up, the guilt of cheating will eat away at them and result in an excruciatingly miserable relationship.

There will be no guilt with Doug and I. For so long as we are 12 hours apart, we have an open relationship. When we first agreed on this, I honestly had no intention of putting it to use. Funny, right? 

Then I met Anthony. I could tell he was the kind of guy who just wanted to get with girls. It was the third week of college. I was bored out of my mind, the friend-making process was going slow, and I needed something besides school work to think about. So he and I flirted. And flirted. And continued to flirt. He was somewhat deterred when I told him I had a boyfriend, but he was so sure our long distance relationship would collapse that he didn't stop flirting. 

He admitted that while he was a hopeless romantic, his view on dating is not so romantic - dating is just important for experience. He sees it as temporary. The more he spoke, the more I considered him the perfect subject with which to fulfill Doug's and my agreement. I was comfortable with this kid, and there wouldn't be an emotional attachment. Sex to him was just sex.

It wasn't long before the flirting turned into physical closeness. He'd lead on me and I'd lean on him as we watched movies. Emotions began to rise. A week and a half or so since since we first met, he told me he really liked me. As in, really liked me. Because I was just so awesome, for lack of a better phrase - I liked Oblivion, Dr. Horrible, and could quote Ghostbusters. I wasn't sure if I should trust him. For all I knew, he was still just trying to get in my pants. I hate false pretenses - I told him about the agreement Doug and I came to. I gave him the opportunity to admit he didn't actually have feelings for me and to guiltlessly get in my pants.

Instead he told me he didn't want that from me. F**k, right? I'm an easily flattered person - of course that won me over. I wasn't going to be the confused "who do I choose now?" girl, though. I'd been there, done that. Instead I was content to continue letting him flirt with me and to continue texting Doug messages like, "I love you" and "kisses!" The next day, Anthony and I had sex. I stayed the night. This started the routine of us having sex and me staying the night, sleeping on him. It was beautiful. I didn't want to be anywhere else. Outside of the bedroom, we'd kiss and hold hands like a couple. Like we were dating. It was fun, but it was pretending and he knew it.

A week later, we're all caught up to today. He confronted me with this: he wants to date me for real, but he can't. I'm unavailable. he can't have a one-sided relationship, it's not fair to anybody. At the same time, he doesn't want Doug and I to break up - he doesn't want to be responsible for our break-up. He doesn't want to continue doing what we've been doing because we've gone too far, and he's not talking about sex. Emotionally we've gone too far and he feels we need to stop before we get even more too far. I don't think we could've gone any further, though. He was close to crying when he told me this, as was I. Why so emotional over a simple crush? 

He wouldn't ever say anything more than he just really liked me and hadn't felt so strongly about anybody before, but I knew what he really was saying. He'd already fallen for me.

I don't want to lose what we had. Hanging out with him was fun, but without him hitting on me, how can we hang out and "just be friends" without feeling awkward? I'm not going back to the days before I met him. I'm not going back to the days where I was bored out of my mind and thinking of nothing but schoolwork. I don't know if I love Anthony, but my feelings for him are incredibly strong. It's only been a few weeks and I can't stop thinking about him. I need to date him.

So I deleted my facebook account. I plan to tell Anthony Doug and I broke up. Why, he may ask? Because he's been trying to contact me for days and I've been more or less unavailable - I wasn't there for him when he needed me - the long distance wasn't working for him. It makes perfect sense because it's true, except for the part where Doug dumps me.

Why did I delete my account, he may ask? Because I'm not ready to change my relationship status or see Doug's status change or read anybody's comments on it. But really I just can't have him see that I'm still in a relationship and that Doug is still sending me lovey messages. 

While this wont immediately result in us dating, it will give us the freedom to awkwardlessly be together. He will give me time to get over Doug, and then we will start going out. I wont tell Doug, but because I have permission it wouldn't be cheating - it'd just be lying. I'd still be dating him though, which would make me cheating on Anthony. Confusing? I confused myself, thinking about it too hard.

Author's Note

This was going to be the start of an autobiography or a whole new journal. That's why some things are repeated.

Reviews

[Q.Kennedy]

sweetie... didn't anyone ever tell you that sex is just sex until you cuddle/spend the night? tsk tsk, the things you've done since i've been gone. miss you, d.

[Eagle Cruagh]

----It is your mind-------
that creates this world
---------Buddha

[Kyle]

I like it.

You think too much! lol

I appreciate how you place events seemlessly together. You would make a great states witness in a murder trial or something....lol