Sun, Aug 21, 03:39 am

Do you like tangents?

I don't know how I should be feeling right now. We only had two or three hours to say goodbye. Then again, even if we had the entire day to ourselves it wouldn't have been enough - there's no such thing as enough time. 

When I think of these things from an outsider's perspective, I get angry with myself. I feel like a stereotype. I remind myself of one of those teenage girls you see on TV shows. At least I don't do that nobody-understands-me thing, but still. I'm a cliche. Today I cried six times. Six times. Six. Times. In two to three hours, I cried six times.

Sorry, I take that back - I technically cried six times yesterday. It's weird to think of today as a new day when I haven't gone to sleep yet. Now it's almost four in the morning. Wonder if I'll stay up long enough to see the sun rise.

Here comes the cliche - the kind of thing that doesn't sound like a big deal unless you're dealing with it. Doug is my boyfriend. I love him. He's going to college in Ohio. I'm going to Georgia. He leaves New Jersey - our home - today. At six in the morning. He was pretty busy yesterday because of all the people he had to say goodbye to, so we couldn't really do much. 

I woke up that morning thinking I was going to the mall with my family after dinner. I also thought he would be able to have dinner with us and then we could go to the mall and do our own thing. None of that was so. My family went in the afternoon. I did not. It's not like I needed anything, anyway.

Then Doug was unsure of what time he would be stopping at my house. I was up since ten and waiting till three. I forgot to eat lunch. All I did that entire time was sit on a couch in the living room and play gemcraft on my MacBook. I felt uneasy. Tense. Impatient. So when I finally got the text saying he was on his way, I actually waited for him outside.

It was as if muscle memory took over when he arrived. I smiled and cutely greeted him, the same way I always do. It was like nothing was wrong or different in anyway, but I knew otherwise. I knew I would break at any moment. We were on our way inside, talking. I looked up at him and stopped walking. He stopped and stared back.

That was the first time I cried yesterday.

I hate this. Anything remotely sad - music, writing, movies - has me on the verge of tears now. I'm so fragile at the moment. If I were to watch Meet Joe Black right now, I would be sobbing throughout pretty much the entire movie. I don't cry for movies - that's not me, that's my cousin, Elena.

And then I have times like this where everything's quiet and no one's around. I start thinking about it, and how weird this is. I'm not going to see Doug until winter break. Three months from now. That thing we just did yesterday - that visit - was the last of his visits. I'm not going to see him for the rest of this summer. I still have, what, three more weeks here before school starts?

I'm crying again. That's what thinking about this does to me.

It's 4:21 now. At this rate, maybe I will actually see the sun rise. Maybe I'll call Doug before he leaves at six in the morning.

I miss him already. I want to hug him right now because I'm crying, but I can't, and I wont for a while, so that's making me cry more. I'm glad I got to hug him a lot yesterday. I'm glad he got the chance to really hold me. 

"Goodbye, little fish," he told me before he got in his car. This made me laugh and cry harder at the same time. The first and only time he'd called me that was last year, about a month before we started officially dating. It was adorable.

I wiped my face clear. I wasn't going to cry anymore - I was going to be happy for him. As he was sitting in his car, I told him to roll down the window. He smiled and, after getting himself situated, he rolled it down for me. Laughing, I stuck my head in and kissed him repeatedly. 

"Goodbye, big fish," I whispered with a smile.

I keep having to remind myself that it's not going to be so bad. We can still call and text. We even have skype. We'll keep in touch. It's not like we broke up. It's not like he's dying today. I have to remember to be...I don't know. Strong? Is this the cliche "be strong" that they keep mentioning in movies and such? Yippee. 

Author's Note

There's bound to be atrocious grammar/spelling errors in here. I didn't edit, and it's almost five in the morning. Besides, it's just my journal, and I'm not Anne Frank, so who cares?

Reviews

[Lily]

This is strong! The feeling is wonderful! The plot, is very good, as well!

[Kyle]

Strong honesty here and raw emotion! I love it. I'm sad for you too. But i think he should be sad too....

[Q.Kennedy]

You and Dougie are going to do fine, D. I'm proud of you for letting your feelings out. You deserve to be a "cliche" girl sometimes because you're so amazing.
: )

Btw- the Anne Frank comment cracked me up.