3. What To Do

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There's a guy in my house...?

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And he thinks he's some sort of Ancient Roman warrior. He's not speaking English, and the words I CAN pick up on are Latin. And he smells like he hasn't bathed in years. What do I do?

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I've spent a great deal of time on Yahoo Answers in the past, and it hasn't failed me yet. Now, however, I wasn't sure if it'd be able to help me all that much, but...well, it was worth a try. I mean, even if no one took the question seriously, someone was bound to answer anyway, right?

Amadeus stood behind me the entire time, staring wide-eyed at the computer and mumbling something Roman. He raised his fingers to the monitor -

"Don't touch the screen," I snapped. He probably didn't understand a word of that, but I guess I got my message across. Hesitantly, he lowered his hand. 

"Incredibilis," whispered the lost man.

I smirked. "You got that right. Alright, let's see what cyberspace thinks I should do about you." I clicked "refresh" and read off my answers.

"Call the police! 911."

"I'd call the police. Sounds like he has some sort of mental disorder."

"Lmao, he could be from the past! But you should probably call the police, like straightaway. I wouldn't be on yahoo answers, I'd be on the phone to someone who would arrest him for breaking in. Or walking in. Or taking the time portal in."

"food, bath, communicate"

"WOW, maybe there is a portal to a parallel universe in your home. LOLS. I would call the appropraite authorities."

"As long as he hasn't hurt or disturbed anyone, there's nothing you can (or should) do. What if someone looked at you and decided they didn't like the way you walked and/or fixed your hair? Do you think they should do something about it?"

I frowned. That last guy didn't really know what he was saying, I don't think. But whatever. "A lot of them said I should call the police," I told my Roman, "Have you arrested."

He looked down at me with a raised thick, brown eyebrow. Yeah, he had no clue what I was saying. I spoke anyway, though.

"But I don't want to do that. That's just calling for a lot of attention, which is something I don't think this house can take. Besides, you're not gonna kill me or anything, right?"

"Uh..."

I scrolled back up at the other suggestions. "Let's see... 'food, bath, communicate.' I like that one better. Bathing you would just be me spraying you down with a hoes because giving you an actual bath would be downright awkward, granted, but I can make you something to eat. And look, I'm communicating!"

His eyebrows came together and his eyes closed as he heavily sighed, sliding his fingers up his scalp and pulling at his tangled brown hair. He grumbled a lot. I couldn't understand a word of it, but I wasn't stupid - I could tell he was distressed.

"It's okay!" I said, standing up from my roly computer chair, "It's not the end of the world or anything. We'll just get you cleaned up and then...I don't know, figure out where you're supposed to be? Latin's pretty rare nowadays, so it shouldn't be too hard to narrow down where you came from."

"Ego sum non ex hic," he said slowly, accenting each word as if he wanted to beat them into my skull.

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose with my thumb and index finger. I felt a migraine coming on. "I'm sorry, but I still have no idea what you're saying -" I stopped mid-sentence. "Wow! I'm stupid! I have a translator right in from of me! Haha!" I sat back down and googled some Latin-to-English online translators, then typed in what Amadeus just said. Enter.

I to be not out of this.

"...Okay, that helped." I face-palmed, then looked up at my unnaturally muscular friend. "Either you're not speaking real Latin, or this online translator's stupid. Let's try another one."

I to be not out of this.

I growled, but then looked up and saw the option to change certain words that could've had other meanings.

I exist not from within this.

I am not on account of the latter.

I am not from within it.

I am not from here.

I frowned. He seriously could've meant anything. This last translation seemed more likely, though. "Alright," I said, "Good to know. Then where are you from?"

He shot me a look that said something like, "If I didn't understand you before, why would I now?"

I smirked and typed up my question. Translate.

"...My pronunciation's probably gonna suck; just warning you. Qua es vos ex?"

His eyebrows went up in mild shock. "...Rome," he answered, looking from me to the computer, then back to me again. He went on to say more, but I couldn't catch any of it.

"...Uh-huh. Alright, let's make you something to eat."