Lost and Not Adjusting

Post-College Anxiety

I miss Halloween in New Jersey, and the corn mazes

And my mom and my sister and the Tuxedo NY Ren Fair

And marathoning Charmed and Buffy, and

Being around for Auntie Elba’s plantain soup on Thanksgiving.

 

I feel guilty because I don’t know

If I’ve made our visits worth the time,

Or if I’ve made up at all for the memories I missed.

If we never meet again

What was the last thing we said?

 

I’m sorry I’m not there.

I’m sorry I don’t call.

I’m sorry I’m afraid of my future

And don’t know how to answer when you text, 

“How are you doing?”

I’m sorry I don’t have more exciting news,

And I’m sorry if you worry.

 

I miss not being afraid of death. 

If I died before, I would have died happy.

If I die now, I die scared and confused and unsure about life.

I want to die with some reassurance it wasn’t all for nothing.

We need to both be alive when I make you proud.

I just have no idea what the f**k I'm doing.