April 21 2014, 8:27pm

The self doubt that comes after the glow of finding out you like a guy.

So it was all high school and butterfly feelings before. Just the sheer joy of feeling sheer joy. The awesome feeling you get when you realize you're not jaded - that you can still feel this childish happiness over meeting someone you still don't know too well, but know you want to see again as soon as possible, repeatedly for weeks on end.

Now comes the terror and paranoia of looking into every little detail in every conversation you've ever had that might hint at one thing or another. Does he like me? Am I just a friend? Is he just being nice when he responds to my messages? Is he secretly aggravated every time he looks at his phone and sees he has yet another one from me? And when he texts me first, is it really texting first, or is it just the long-awaited obligatory response to a message from the previous night?

And seeing him in person. I used to be able to talk all smooth-like. Like a person with real thoughts and capability for intellectual conversation and witty come-backs. Now I'm a blubbering idiot and would be better off not saying anything at all.

I don't get this way. This is ridiculous. Why can't I just be a person who speaks to Will as I would any other person. I'd probably come across more awesome that way. And sure, some people might say "Awww but guys think it's cute when girls get all shy around them!" And to that I say, "BULLSHIT, LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU KNOW NOTHING!" It's awkward! I'm not an awkward person! 

This is worse than high school - this is me in middle school. Middle school me was pathetic. I'd crush on a guy just for talking to me nicely. And then not know how to talk to him. And then crush on him for over a year without hardly exchanging two words a month. And make myself totally obvious, thinking he would ask me out if I dropped enough hints, which might've been the case if he felt the same about me, but he didn't, but I didn't know how to pick up on hints, so I'd just go on like this until some other guy spoke to me nicely and earned my attention, and then start the whole cycle all over again.

I can't fall back into that! That was embarrassing for all parties involved!

And now comes the part where I tell myself to get over this Will thing immediately, while I still can. Because even if this doesn't turn into one of my awful middle-school experiences, it still has the capability for one of us to be straightforward with the other, and then he'll say something along the lines of "No," and then I'd feel like a miserable idiot for the rest of the quarter and give up on the idea of romances that are cute and giggly and not brought about by lust at first site.  

So he and I are hanging out tomorrow after our meeting. I legit squeaked with excitement once I got the message back from him confirming this. I gotta calm down.