April 12, 2014 1:38am

Update on life. Got a new crush. But my relationship status is weird at the moment. It's complicated.

So I feel like singing from the mountains with the wind blowing my hair back and the sunset in my face. I feel like I'm in high school - I have that kind of crush. Right now. I'm crushing on a guy in a way I haven't done since my freshman year of college. So, a little over two years ago. When my time with Patrick was more giddy and less pain and drama.

As of about a month ago, I finally officially decided to start seeing other guys. I've been doing it anyway previously, but I finally told Patrick I wanted to start actively looking for a real relationship, and he understood. He's a very understanding person - he knows he needs to get his s**t together, and that he has no right to expect me to wait around for what he insists is nothing. Still, though, it felt like a break-up. He needed a few days to himself to get over it and I get that. We haven't seen much of each other since. Now on average we hang out once a week. Even then it's nothing crazy; I'd chill on his bed with my laptop while he works on various video-editing projects. Then there'd be a 50/50 chance of him staying the night at my place. And sex would happen, but up until last night I was always hesitant to initiate anything. Mainly for his sake. I was totally cool with the sex, but I wasn't sure if he was trying to be "just friends" with me, or if sex was acceptable in this new arrangement we have going on.

Last night was different, though. He held me all night as we slept. And this morning, just before he left for work, we hugged, and he held me for the longest time. Lots of kissing involved. This is more affection from him than I usually get, so I asked about it. He said he misses things. And then he said something else, but I'm not sure if I heard correctly, because it didn't really make sense, "I have a certain level of pain for you." I don't think that's what he said. No sense. 

I told him, "I miss you. But you already knew that." And we just continued to silently hug and kiss for a few more minutes. He was going straight to Florida for a Mud Run with his friends after work. His friends are dating each other. Maybe this is all opening up in his face because last time he went, I was with him. He wasn't a third wheel. Or maybe he's realizing he's actually losing me and doesn't like it. Maybe he's just nostalgic for the times we were always together, for practically every second of every day, just having a good time with sex, drugs and rock'n'roll. I don't know.

To be honest, though. I think I'm getting numb to him. I didn't feel anything break in my chest during all the super-affectionate hugging and kissing. I didn't feel the need to cry or hold him close and not let him go. We've done this whole song and dance so many times before. I know the pattern. I would "break up" with him, he'd want me back; he'd "break up" with me, and I'd want him back. Really when one of us is in danger of moving on to a healthier lifestyle, the other of us can't help but try to f**k it all up. 

But since I've had less time with him and more time to make my own fun, I've been seeing other guys. It's kind of alarming how many I've seen. In the span of three months, I've made out with at least eleven. Of those eleven I've had sex with five. That's not my goal, though. It's never my goal to meet up with a guy and get him in bed. I can't necessarily say the same for them, but that doesn't make them bad people. I'm a very attractive female. As far as attractive females go, I'd say I'm of the more awesome type. I'm funny. I make it my everyday goal to be as upfront and honest as possible, so you never have to guess anything with me. I'm confident - I make it a point to never be that pretty girl who complains about how fat/ugly/flat she is. So I can't blame a guy for getting reeeeeeeeal comfortable with me.

It was all good sex. All of them, good at sex. Lucky me, right? Right!

But there were no sparks. No excitement. We both already had an inkling as to where the night was going. I tend to assume all guys wanna bang me, and I'm usually right, but that takes away from the wonder of it all. No excitement. No magic. Again, all good and hot and steamy, but nothing that got me thinking of them non-stop the next day. It made me worry. Am I just so jaded? Is there now a subconscious level to myself that won't let me get attached to guys for fear of ending up in another bullshit longterm non-relationship?

But then Will. I wouldn't say he looks like James Franco. But for some reason I look at his face and think "James Franco."

So I'm currently a writer for a web series called. I'd put the title down, but I don't really want anyone to google it and then somehow end up here. But the head of the project is letting his friend, a sequential art major, write a comic spinoff of the series. That sequential art major is Will, and he was introduced to the rest of us writers about a couple weeks ago. We've all been meeting to flesh out the comic ever since.

Last week he drove me home. Smoked some tree. Then he left because he had s**t to do, and I get that.

We were supposed to have another meeting the day after, which ended up not happening, but he messaged me and so we hung out anyway. We smoked some, hung out at my place, with Maya (she approves), then he took me out on the town for a little. He does stand up comedy. He's a comedian. 

But he does stand up at a gay bar, which initially I wasn't sure what to make of. That in itself wouldn't have me thinking, but on his facebook he doesn't specify wether he's into guys, girls, or anything. It's left blank. 

But I watched his comedy bit, and he got me a few drinks. Got back to my place, smoked more weed. He also smokes cigarettes, which is whatever. I joined him out on my back porch for his cigarette break, we talked more. I think I was telling him about my general personality of me high versus me drunk. I said, "I'm more likely to kiss someone when I'm drunk."

He said, "Damn, so I should've gotten you more drinks then." Jokingly. But not.

"Why, you wanna make out?" I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

"Do you?"

More serious. "Do you?"

He put out his cigarette. We made out. 

I wanted this. With the other guys, I didn't not want it. I wanted it with all of them, but not to this extent. This was the excitement I was talking about. The wonder, the thrill. We had sex, and he's REALLY good. They were all really good, but Will's into the same kinda thing I am. He might be more kinky than me; I don't know, but I like it. He stayed the night, and we cuddled. He drove me to class the next morning. 

And now I feel the same way I did in high school. All the uncertainty. Just because we had sex, did it mean he actually wanted me? Was this only intended to be a one-night stand, or could we do this again? Could we keep seeing each other? I want to get to know him. I want to be his best friend and, if that goes as perfectly as I want it to, we can take it to the next step. I wanna start something, but baby steps, and I wanna tell him, and I want him to want the same thing, and to understand why I wanna take it slow but still take it somewhere. I want him to show me the world while I show him mine. I want this to be a thing, and I want it to work. 

I've spoken to him since. Not about anything serious, but he's hinted at sex happening again. I find it really easy to talk about sex. It's the stuff that matters the has me tongue-tied. 

He dropped me off again tonight. He smoked me out, but couldn't stay long because he had things to prepare for things tomorrow. Important things. Career-things, that could get him a real job. But while he was here, he got a text from his friend. "Did you leave this secret-admirer note in my car?" The note was silly, it went something like "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're a poop (something something), from your Secret Admirer." Will did not leave that note there.

So I asked him if he had ever liked the Scad Secret Admirers group. It's a really funny page. Some of the posts were really cute, anonymous people talking about their crushes in the most adorable way. But most of them were just really creative and funny versions of, "Hey, girl sitting next to me on the bus. Dat a*s." Will hadn't checked out the page. He said if someone liked someone, they should just tell it to their face.