July 2, 2013 Tue 3:19 pm

Flash forward by a lot.

This summer I decided not to depend on Patrick for entertainment. He got himself a career as an auto mall videographer, full time, which is great for him but doesn't give us much free time to hang out. He doesn't want to stay at my house every night, even though that would get him to his workplace a half hour faster than it does since he's driving from his house and not mine.

As of four or five days ago, I've been chilling with his friend Matt. I had a crush on him a few months ago, but then I stopped for a few reasons. He's Patrick's friend. I want to be with Patrick. Matt has some pretty awful opinions of the girls he's been with in the past, and I don't want to be next on the list. He uses the term "s****y" for any girl he doesn't like, and I'm not a fan of that. In his eyes, it doesn't really take much for a girl to be a s**t. Unless there're aspects to his stories I'm missing. I guess I wouldn't know if the "s****y"s were warranted unless I talk to him more and maybe hear/see more about the girls he's talking about.

He's just got an amazing smile, though. And when he gets excited he sounds like Seth Rogen. Sometimes when he laughs, he cackles and it's the loudest thing ever. There's this look he gives me when I say something funny and he pretends to be unimpressed. His head inclines slightly and he raises an eyebrow, and it's one of the most seductive looks I've ever seen on a guy that's not an Abercrombie model. I don't think that's his intent, though.

The first day we hung out this summer, just the two of us, we started painting an image of Skull Kid from the Legend of Zelda on a 30x26' canvas, getting high before and after each session. Two days later, we finished and it came out awesome. 

Yesterday we started painting Zelda. She's a little more difficult than Skull Kid. It wasn't long before I got tired of it and sat on the comfy chair in his room. We took a smoke break and got high in his car. We'd been talking about our past relationships, and I ended up telling him absolutely everything: my entire experience with Patrick and what I'd been putting myself through.

Matt's really easy to talk to. We hadn't been hanging out for so many days straight; we're still just getting to know each other. I once told someone from OkCupid all that through a Skype conversation, and he didn't have much to say about it, which made me feel very awkward for having shared it at all. 

Granted, I probably crushed his hopes of getting with me, but still. I'm pretty sure Matt still has a crush on me, and he had something to say about it. "Yeah man, that sucks."

I told him about my magical will powers. Seriously, I can will things into existence. Sometimes it takes a few years, but it works. 

One of the reasons Patrick didn't want to start an official relationship was because he didn't want to get a job far far away and have to break up with me to go. Bullshit on so many levels, I know, but now he has a job here. I told Matt, "I don't know if this means I should wait for him or not. Did I will his local job into existence, or is it a sign to wait for him to figure himself out and eventually make our relationship official? Do I wait and potentially waste months to years of my time on him, or do I just f**k it and move on with my life?"

"I don't know," he said, "That's a confusing situation."

"I'm so glad we're on the same level." I was giddy with high. It didn't matter what we were talking about, it was just an awesome experience to share the entire story without too many interruptions. 

I wanted to kiss him.

We went back inside, painted a little more. It was getting later and later, and the high eventually wore off.

And I still wanted to kiss him.

I'd been wanting to kiss him for the past few days. At first it was just a fun little "what if" that popped up in my head while we were high and talking about how he likes good necks on girls. I don't really know what qualifies as a good neck, and that intrigued me. I asked if I had a good neck, because I really don't know how awesome my neck is as far as necks go. He said I have a good neck.

As the days progressed though, the thought wouldn't stop nagging at me. He just looks so kissable. His hugs are amazing, and if you add a kiss it'd be all the more breathtaking. That's all I consciously want from him, though. I just want to kiss him and then pretend it never happened. I don't need any more drama in my life than there already is; I don't need Patrick flipping out on me when we might actually soon be able to start a real relationship. But again, there's a huge possibility that waiting for him would be a complete waste of my time, and therefore I shouldn't worry about starting something with Matt.

But I don't want to start something with Matt. I don't trust myself right now. Calling a girl a s**t because you don't like her isn't cool. I think our backgrounds are too different and might clash. He's Patrick's friend, even though they don't hang out that much. 

We sat in his room and he read my book aloud for a good bit, and one thing I'd like very much for a boyfriend to do is read my f*****g books! They're good books! He's scoring soooo many brownie points with me, all the time! We can paint together. He likes the beach, I like the beach, if I date him I'd see a lot more of the beach than I do with Patrick. He travels with his long boarding friends and said it'd be cool if I could go along, even though I don't long board. But I'd love to travel! 

We enjoy each other's company, and he'd be fun to date, but I don't know what the future holds. I don't want to start something just to end up stuck in another situation where the relationship doesn't go anywhere. Right now, I don't see a future with him.

Am I turning into Patrick? I'd hate to think Patrick fucked me up so bad as that.