How Very Touching

Some people don't understand

I don’t want to be touched.

 

People look at me funny when I shy away

from those relatives with their arms outstretched

or acquaintances that lean in to peck my cheek.

 

My body language screams,

“Stay away.”

“Leave me be”.

“Keep your body to yourself.”

 

Smile if you wish.

I will return a smile, I’m not a curmudgeon

but don’t invade my personal space.

If you do, my soul will curl up in a ball

roll under the couch, chair, table or retreat out the nearest door.

 

Can’t you feel it?

I can’t change it.

Reviews

[Renée]

I can relate ! though I I do hug...I hate my photo taken or shown..I freeze ..and never mind video oy I cringe because it feels invasive.. great write..we all have something ( :

[Gray Witch]

Yes, we certainly do "all have something"...Oh I know the reason I am like I am ... I wish it was different, but our pasts influence our present and futures, like it or not...

[Renée]

Amen

[Samuel Dickens]

I used to be that way, so can relate. Neither of my parents gave hugs, nor did their relatives. Going further, they didn't express affections at all. (Dad did--just a little) Mom expressed anger, and that was her only emotion. Not good. Hugs are fine with me now, but they used to freak me out.

[Gray Witch]

I would dearly like to be different because i am always around people who do hug and show affection at the proverbial drop of a hat (bg)...but I still only feel comfortable in that setting with children ...

[Erik A. Harris]

Ha! I'm the opposite in many ways. It's like no one wants to get close to me, so I feel sad and rejected because of my lack of contact with others in general, and I don't know if anyone understands that. But alas, I can feel your point of view in this piece.

[CecilA]

I was brought up in two different worlds of touch. My maternal grandparents were expressive with sharing occasional hugs and kisses. My paternal grandparents were the exact opposite: no touching. I cannot remember my mother hugging or kissing me; not even a verbal 'I love you.' My father, actually stepfather, never touched me except with a belt or boot. So I grew up with confusion with regards to touching; both physical and verbal.

It wasn't until I had a girlfriend in high school that I became comfortable with holding hands, hugs and kissing. Obviously there was a lot of hormonal drive involved there. But we never were naked nor did we have sex. And I'm all right with that. Oh, not that it wasn't desired.

Then I met my wife, Donna, and touching became an okay thing. We were very affectionate with our children when they were growing up. There were normal hugs and kisses until puberty. After that just those hugs on special occasions. Now that they are grown, there are still hugs at special times. We tell our children and grandchildren that they are loved.We hug our grandchildren: 11, 13 and15 years of age. I believe this is normal.

Now when it comes to distant relatives, friends, etc. it's pretty much hands off. I hugged my mother-in-law when my father-in-law died recently. That was a first. I've hugged my mother once or twice over the last few years; at a funeral and occasions like that.

My most difficult touching is with other men. I say 'Stay away.' 'Leave me be.' 'Keep your body to yourself.' Then 2 years ago I met my biological father's eldest brother, Uncle Chet. He's 90 years old. He gave me a hug and he held my hand in a handshake too long for my comfort level. I survived. It was sincere. I never met my father. Over the last 2 years I have hugged him and it's not so bad.

Then I became reaquainted with a friend from school. He's a hugger. I'm totally uncomfortable with it. He's a Christian and always says, 'I love you brother.' OMG. I have to either come to grips with it or not see him again.

Well what I saying is - I relate to your touching issue. And I know why. Childhood molestation.

Thanks for sharing your poem. It's relevent, profound, honest and well written. Also, it has given me a desire to determine if I can overcome this revulsion. Why should I live the rest of my life like this. We'll see.

[william keepers]

I like the title, definitely throws the reader off. I do get how people fail to read body language regardless of how well intentioned they may be. I struggle with this season too, though for different reasons that I am not yet ready to get into... Paradoxically I find this poem inspiring. It may encourage me to take a small step or two. Thank you Leslie.

[Gray Witch]

Thanks again for reading and commenting on what I write...It is both helpful and, for me, insightful...

[kelvin]

we all have certain issues we must deal with the best we can whatever works best for ourselves like the saying goes if it's not broke don't fix it. but if you want to fix it it's up to you, but nobody's perfect

[David Scott]

You can change it... Yet until you do, you cannot simply choose to feel different. Do you want to change it? Do you need to change it? It seems a common thread that we either condemn a person for their behavior or just accommodate it in others or ourselves. No need to change very behavior just because it opposes customary standards either.
A telling write that should sensitize us to others perspective.

[Gray Witch]

Thanks David...I have thought long and hard about this...I can change the actions associated with this by allowing people to 'touch' me, hug me and show affection as they wish. What I cannot change is how it makes me feel inside... I truly wish I could, believe me....

[David Scott]

Please don't think I assume to understand. No judgement, only sympathy. The emotions and mental state can be re conditioned. It is not easy and not always a good idea. We accept that things cannot change because we never understand the causes... I do not think you need to change personally, but if you actually want to, it is a possibility.
Only love for you dear Gray.

[Gray Witch]

Again thank you....It is only so very recently that I began to play connect the dots with my life and the results of my conditioning that I may sound defensive at times... I don't mean to be ...Years ago I took control over my life and became an advocate and activist, a public figure, in part to counter my earlier existence...Worked quite well for years but now I find I need to exorcise the demons deep within my psyche in order to move on... Burying the dead sometimes doesn't last forever...

[David Scott]

Yes dear... The "bones" keep washing up in the rain...
I will hold you in my heart dear Gray. I can tell you are an exceptional woman!

[Robert Lincoln]

We all have our own boundaries - and our own reasons for those boundaries - don't we?

[Gray Witch]

Yes we do.... and on paper and in person you would never know this is a problem for me....but sometimes the discomfort is apparent and I find myself explaining that it is me and not those with me at the time. It is only fair...

[Claire Twinn]

I know how you feel, I wish that only the people who really feel it were allowed to kiss/hug me. I love your idea about your soul hiding from it.

[Gray Witch]

The only exceptions are, of course, my children and grand children - those I love....

I have a feeling that part of it is innate, since two of my grand kids and my eldest son have similar reactions to being grabbed and hugged by others... My reaction is partly as the result of life experiences though and of that I am quite aware...

Thank you for the reviews and taking the time to read my work in all it's differing styles...