Tony and The Beans Talk....

A Story by The Grappler

A political parody of Tony Abbott and economic discussion....

"Once upon a time, there was a woman named Australia who had a son named Tony, and they were very, very poor due to a succession of bad governments and piss poor economic decisions and dumbass socialist crap that took from the many to give to the favourites as 'equals' while actually creating a shattered society of unequals.

So one market day Australia said to Tony,

"Take the cow to market and sell it to some nice Asian man - we are so poor we need the money."

Tony set off to market with the cow, but along the way he met an Indonesian bean counter, who offered him a few beans in exchange for the cow.

Now Tony was a smart boy and done his schooling 'e 'ad, and a few beans checked out by bean counters was a lot of food on the table for him and Mum, so he took the deal, and merrily made his way back to Mum to show her what a smart negotiator he was.

When his mother saw what Tony had got for their cow, she wept..... and threw the beans out the window, saying...

"First your no-good father sells off Telstra, your auntie Julia hawks herself on the lecture circuit, your uncle Nick in NSW flogs off freeways then buys them up as motorways for his retirement, the Labor blokes all cop kick-backs for mining concessions and licences for their mates, you've all got your mitts in the trough for expense money and a fat retirement, you bury our local fruit and vegetable growing and fishing industries, then you flog off natural gas to Japan for 2 cents a litre and charge motorists here 90c a litre, we make deals with China for holes in the ground so we can buy back finished goods cheap and nasty, and we suck up to every Asian country in the universe like some pack of beggars which we are with 40% not gainfully employed any more, and they come here and buy up all the best property and rip up the farming ground for minerals and frack the outcomes... and now you flog off the cow for a miserable few beans to the farken Indonesians who kill off natives in West Papua and shoot Aussie journalists and lock up our sheilas! What are we to do?"

Now Tony was a smart boy, and quick as a flash he came back:-

"They're pretty good ..aaah.. beans, not has beans, Mum, but if you ..err..don't think they're enough...we can always..aaah.. sell off Medicare Private for..umm.. cash and bring back.. errr.. WorkChoices to..ummm..keep our worker's costs under..ah.. control and .. control them! THEM's pretty good beans!"

His mother nearly collapsed, but rallied enough to say:-

"Tony - you might as well know I'm jack of this beans talk! You've got as much chance of growing up as those beans do! Now go and play with the big boys."

So Tony set off on a triumphal lap to tell all his friends what a great victory it had been to get those beans cheap for Mum Australia, and came home tired and ready for bed after visiting everyone he could think of for free.

As he slept the beans sprung up into plants and grew and grew and grew until they vanished in the clouds above…..

Tony and Australia woke up the next morning, and Australia was outraged..

“Tony - did you have an election last night? What’s the meaning of this bloody great plant out here?”

“Well.. aaah.. yes, I did have a big election, but errr.. look.. I’ll ask about that..umm.. vine thing!”

So Tony set forth and brought the Bishop and his school Hockey coach to look over the vine. The Bishop shook her head, and said she wasn’t really sure what it meant, but the Hockey man had a knowing look ..

“That’s the economy, Tone.. and it’s on its way up since you cornered that bean market and got rid of that cow! You need to get up there with it and keep on top of it!”

"OK " - thought Tony - " I guess that means I’m headed for the high end of town",

so he started climbing, and he climbed and climbed…. on the way passing a falling Gillard and a falling Kevosev, who he smirked at knowingly as he climbed….

Finally, after climbing for days, he broke through the cloud layer and came to a mythical land called Balanced Budget.. wherein dwelt a mighty giant called Rhinestoneheart, who lived in a castle he could see in the distance, surrounded by big holes in the ground.

Tony walked and walked towards the gate of the castle, and finally ran an iron man on the public purse until he reached the door, and he crept inside.

Coming to a big ball room, he saw Rhinestoneheart snoring mightily near the fire, and right alongside, in a golden basket, was a Golden Goose, which, as he watched, stood up and fluttered her wings, exposing a golden egg underneath…

"Wow" - thought Tone - "this’d go a long way to balancing Australia’s budget! Should I pluck the goose or steal the eggs? Oh - one egg at a time, I think! Keep it on the quiet."

He started to creep forward to grab the golden egg, but just then Rhinestoneheart stirred and snuffled and snorted….. so Tony hid behind the speaker’s chair in Parliament. Rhinestoneheart grunted awake and sniffed the air.

“Fe Fi Fo Fum " I smell the blood of a Liberal bum! Be he Clive or be he Ted, I’ll make him an offer of my bed! With free air flights, and balmy nights, I’ll make the b*****d bow his head!”

Tony was terrified and felt he might be compromised by travel cost rorts if he accepted Rhinestoneheart's offer, but now he knew why he had seen the falling Gillard and Kevosev, and he was determined not to go the same way, so he played it close to the chest.. arr.. ummm… until Rhinestoneheart fell asleep again, dreaming of red dust mines in the Outback and Golden Slippers and lunch with The Queen and maybe even tea with Bondie.

Then Tony stole across the floor and lifted the Golden Egg from underneath the goose, and pelted for the door, but changed his mind and figured it was best to take the goose as well…..so he grabbed the goose and bolted, leaving a slowly awakening Rhinestoneheart, who, upon awakening fully, suddenly realised that he was no different from Gillard and Kevosev, and wanted her gold for his budget…….

Rising in her righteous wrath, Rhinestoneheart started to chase Tony, but he was fleet of foot and had a Gold travel card and a private RAAF jet, so he got clean away to the top of the vine, and started to descend rapidly.

Unfortunately, halfway down, he lost his grip on the golden goose, which flew away and settled in another country… but he still had the golden egg.. and he slipped it in his budgie smugglers and keep climbing down…..

ALAS, the budgie smugglers couldn’t hold three eggs, and the golden one fell, and was caught by a passing Chinese outgoing president, who gleefully ran home and added it to his family net worth of over $4bn.

So Tony reached the bottom of the economic vine tangle with nothing to show Australia for it… except a very irate Rhinestoneheart at the top of the vine, who felt robbed by every great leader who’d tried to climb the vine, and she wanted revenge… and a newspaper to trumpet her wrath in….

So Tony, quick as a flash and with the help of the Hockey coach, started to chop down the vine with a Workchoices patented axe, and slowly, ever so slowly, it began to fall, leaving Rhinestoneheart stranded at the top of the economic pile and counting her leftover gold in the billions… while far below, a falling vine landed directly on Tony’s mother’s house….. and Australia was killed by a falling economy.

THE END.

"Tony and The Beans Talk"...
© Grappler Compendium of Fairy Tales, 2013