parting from Kimiko

tear jerking bit

As I lay there thinking about Hawaii and how much Cynthia would’ve loved the place, and hurting all over again, Kimiko came into the room softly on her bare feet, and knelt down beside my bed in that graceful Japanese way, and searched my face, seeing without a word asked or said what was going on inside me right then.

 

She knew, somehow, in that Japanese lady’s way again, that I was hurting, and  needed something to heal a little. 

 

She asked gently,

 

“Peter, what can I help you with?  You are paining, and I see it very much in your eyes and your face.  You are such a strong man, and such a good man inside, and yet you are in pain inside, so very much, all the time.  Why is this?”

 

I looked at her, so clean and good and open, and so caring, and I just had to tell…. tell it all.. just like it happened.

 

When I finished she reached over and took my head in her hands and laid it gently on her breast and held me gently to her, and I wept uncontrollably all over again….like I hadn’t done since Cynthia died….

 

When I’d finished, she looked at me for a long time again, then stood and slowly took off her shirt, her bra and finally her skirt, and then her panties…. all the time holding my eyes with hers and looking into my soul with her whole face…..….

 

Then she knelt again, and unbuttoned my shirt, lifted me up to take it off, then unbuckled my belt and and slid my trousers down, leaving me naked on the bed.    She kissed me gently on the lips, and on down my chest and stomach, then back to my lips again, then stood and went across the room, returning with a small vial of fragrant oil, and holding my eyes again and looking deeply into them, she poured a little on her hands and then on my now raging member, knelt again beside me, and began to gently and lovingly stroke with one hand along underneath, then ever so gently, like angels wings, over the top and then gently back down again….

 

It was the purest ecstasy, and I felt myself relax and just go right with it, maybe for the first time forever just letting go and being totally with every touch of every stroke…. on and on for what seemed like hours but was more like twenty minutes as I grew and grew so that I felt I’d touch the ceiling…..with a gentle tickling feeling growing and settling at the bottom of my spine….until finally, for the deepest time ever in my life, I blew out the pipes and along with them all the hurt and pain that had sat within me for so long….. I heard someone moan in ecstasy, and it was me, and just for that brief time, I touched Heaven and collapsed into a near-coma of near-sleep…..

 

Kimiko lay down beside me and held me close and gentle as a child, and I fell into her as if there could be no tomorrow…. and just lay in her arms and wrapped around her for an hour or so…. stroking and kissing all the while gently and unchallengingly, until finally we made love, again and again, as natural as if we belonged in each other and were really one person like they say, until we both fell asleep in each other’s arms…. and outside the warm night closed in and we slept like babies….together…as one…….

 

I wasn’t alone again.. for a while… nothing lasts forever…….nothing is so good it lasts eternity……..

 

*     *     *

 

For the next three days Kimiko and I lived in a whirlwind world that I had never seen or imagined.. she taught me how to go body surfing naked.. she called it Hawaiian style…demonstrated the art of board riding on the waves, hilarious until I fell off and skinned myself on coral…we ate some truly fabulous meals and she showed me some truly beautiful places and things I’d never imagined.. and every night we made love with the frenzy of two people who knew it couldn’t last, flowing into each other in every way possible as two who belonged as nothing else and no-one else in a perfect togetherness from which we would occasionally draw back and look into each other’s eyes wonderingly and enraptured in just being there……. and outside of this bubble of the purest beauty and togetherness was a world which she could never share with me… my world…….a world I wasn’t sure any more I could go back to….

 

One afternoon during  a storm we climbed to the top of an extinct volcano and watched the rain pour and the lightning flash and Nature show its wildest side as we were soaked and laughing like fools until we got back to a warm shower…..and in my still moments, looking at her moon-dusted eyes in the near darkness, I could imagine that this warm and comfortable life could just go on forever… and keep my soul in one piece and one place for a change… and for all time……..and I could just belong with her and as part of her until time itself froze over….

 

We slept.. locked together in an embrace of every part of our beings…..and wrapped in the knowledge that we belonged as nothing else…..it was something too good to be true………

 

*     *     *

 

I did say that nothing lasts for eternity….and eternity was ending…..

 

I watched Kimiko going about her achingly beautiful and feminine things about the house, knowing that the time was nearly upon us for some decision… yes or no, and how and where and when and even if at all… and I just didn’t know how to bring it up….. so all I could do was watch her moving and drink in her essence and presence as she moved, and feel it resonating deep inside me in some part of me that had never seen the light of day until now….

 

Kimiko, as I was getting used to accepting, knew already what was going on inside me as I sat on the sofa and couldn’t take my eyes off her, and she finished what she was doing, and came over, sat with legs draped over the side of the sofa, and looked full into my face….. reading me as she seemed to do so well…without having to even think about it….

 

She looked right at me for what seemed the longest time before speaking,

 

“Peter, you know, as do I, that we must talk, we must resolve what is between us.”

 

I could feel an ache starting deep inside me as she spoke, that old growing knowledge that what I felt I wanted and needed so much would not be there, and I started to shuffle up the panels of the old walls again to protect myself as the real world struggled to crash in.. she could see it all,

 

‘Please, do not think as you do.  I truly love you, very, very much and more than I can love any man ever…. and I know that within you it is the same for me.. but I must explain.  Please let me speak..”

 

I nodded, never taking my eyes from her face for an instant,

 

“My world….. is the world of a woman, perhaps a Japanese woman, with everything in its place and safe, secure, and with knowing that everything is where I know it is all the time, and feeling safe with those things just being as they are.  Here, I have found my place, and I have my path in life before me as you know, with my home and my brother and having to take care of him.  So I am here, in my place, in my woman’s place, now.”

 

She paused, seeking the best way to say what was on her mind,

 

“Your world is the world of a man, and there is much that you must do as a man… that world is very different from mine, very violent at times, very unsettled and.. .. there is within you something that you must find for yourself……….. and that is a road on which I cannot follow you.  You must find what it is you seek for yourself, and I cannot help you to find it, though my heart tells me I must.  You know this within yourself, and you know that what I say is true… and if we try to make a different life now, it will not work.  In time, if the highways of the universe dictate it, perhaps we will come together again, and simply be what we know is between us.”

 

She could see the hurt and the loss in my eyes, as it was in hers though she held it well, and she reached out the palm of her hand and placed it gently on my cheek,

 

“Oh, Peter.. I love you as any woman could ever love a man, and I know that you are the same for me, and I would never hurt you…or myself as I am hurting now, if I had a choice.  I am only seeking to say what we need to know between us and understand about our lives.  If I tied you now as I so want, a part of you would die, and if that happened, a part of me would die with you, and this I cannot do to us both.”

 

The edges of tears glistened in her eyes, and now it was my turn….. I slid off the sofa, and moved over beside her and took her in my arms and held her close while the gentle tears ran from her eyes, and we shared our sorrow together……finally she spoke again, not taking her head from my chest,

 

“I do love you so… and would keep you by me always, but it cannot be.  You must leave tomorrow, leave and never look back, go home to your life and your searching for what it is you need within yourself, and I must stay.  Tonight, for this one night, we will be everything to each other that a man and a woman can be….. for this one night we will forget everything outside and just be for each other, and in the morning you must leave and board your ship without turning back.  You must promise me.”

 

I knew that what she said was truth, and that there was something inside me that drove me on and on, looking for what I don’t know, and that in some way I could never want, by staying I would hurt her in a way I could not fathom fully, and perhaps as she said, she me.

 

It was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do in my life, but I did,

 

“I promise”. 

 

We pulled apart gently and looked into each other’s souls again from a foot away for what seemed an eternity, then gently I picked her up and carried her in my arms through the door and into our last night together as she clung to me like a child……..

 

*     *     *

 

We stood on the dock, gazing into each other’s eyes endlessly again, until the ship’s siren went for passengers to board.  Kimiko once more, one last time, placed her hand on my cheek and loved me with her eyes and I could feel her pain and her strength in letting me go, perhaps a far greater strength than mine and a strength I wanted and needed more than anything else…..and I wanted to stay, just throw away my ticket and to just hold and stay with her forever… but I knew, deep inside me.. that she was right.. .. and she always would be so right in so many ways and some of those cried to me to stay and hold her forever but she was also right that we would only hurt each other in some terrible way deep inside if I stayed…..

 

She stretched up and, eyes closed, kissed me lightly and lingeringly one last time on the lips… then with a final look deep inside me, turned and without a backward glance, walked away and out of my life…all I could do was stand and watch her go until she was swallowed by the crowd….. I stood for as long as I could, just watching where she’d gone, then turned and boarded the gangplank with feet like lead not wanting to go and wanting to turn back and go running after her… and stood by the rail as the ship cast off, then first the dock, then the harbour, then the island disappeared into the distance, and darkness came down like a curtain…..only then did I go to my cabin… alone.

 

*     *     *

 

It was sure cold in Chicago… cold and lonely and blue… and I wasn’t looking forward to another winter alone… and the place hadn’t changed much despite the number of low lives I’d managed to clear off the streets unofficially so far, not to mention a certain Mayor Feely who was enjoying a nice comfy retirement since the State didn’t wanta prosecute the b*****d… and he still got his pension….. but hey.. what’s a good private detective for if he can’t clean the scum outta the gutters once in a while when he’s feelin’ down there himself an’ wants a clean place to lie down?

 

I turned away from the cold river going past, an’ figured it was time to go down to Luigi’s, see Armand, and maybe have a drink or two… I could still feel Kimiko inside me.. deep…. an’ half of me still wanted to just pack up and go back…..guess I’m just a fool…..can’t keep ‘em and can’t walk away from ‘em….

 

I walked in the joint, feelin’ somehow like a ghost…. there was somethin’ missing deep inside me now, an’ yet something that filled me up inside as well….not like it was when Cynthia was killed.. different… an’ I was suffering the guilts over Cynthia, too… an’ Kimiko… an’ whatever the hell I was doing lovin’ two women as I so obviously did… an’ I guess I just needed someone sensible, like Armand, to talk to…..

 

The joint was the same, pretty good under Armand’s management, though Petro ran the show here now and Armand himself ran the new joint we were still lookin’ for a name for…. but Armand also had a sorta duty manager there, too, an’ he still spent time at Luigi’s most nights.. sorta like a home now to him…an’ to me….

 

I parked myself at the bar, an’ the bartender now, Aloise, some kinda German name, brought a glass an’ a bottle o’ bourbon… yeah, Armand an’ Petro sure had these guys trained, an’ I paused after my first sip, an’ wondered what Miz Alexia was doin’ now… so many rivers gone past by now, Grappler, an’ ya still haven’t found where to put the dam up an’ just build a life like some fucken’ beaver… maybe Kimiko was on the money, there.. I was still lookin’ for somethin’…. I raised my glass to that an’ drank a little more….

 

I was so distant inside that I felt rather than saw Armand come up next to my shoulder, before I saw him in the bar mirror.

 

“Wanna seat, Armand? “

 

I reached around and shook his hand, yeah, it was nearly old times again, and Armand was the supremo now an’ no longer needed to take care o’ the clientele, a word I picked up from Cynthia long time ago in another life…. so, yeah, Armand could take a seat, and perhaps even a small brandy on the side….. business was good..

 

We batted the breeze for a while, an’ Armand filled me in on the business..not that I go into that much.. Armand had a good head for that and the moolah just kept rolling in.. every time the Feds busted some Italian speakeasy, the cops that worked with ‘em would be in for a free drink after at Luigi’s.. so we were pretty safe…

 

I guess I went a little quiet for a while again.. getting to be a habit for ol’ Pete here, an’ Armand kinda let me go with it for a while, then spoke up,

 

“Mr Pete, it is good to see you back..You seem to have something on your mind.”

 

“Yeah, I was just thinkin’, Armand, I might wanna send a coupla those gold bars we’ve got stashed out over to Hawaii to that Miss Harmony over there, just ta help out, like…she could use it an’ I don’t think this situation is gonna get any easier, with the Stock Market an’ all.  I got plenty there an’ stashed away.”

 

“That is easy to arrange, Mr Pete, or you can simply change them into money and forward it to her by American Express.”

 

“Wow, that’s a new one on me, Armand.  Ya mean ya can post money now?”

 

“Not quite money, but you pay American Express and they will cash it at the other end of a wire line.. very quick and reliable!”

 

“Yeah .. well I might do that instead.  Just anonymous like or make it like it was part o’ her inheritance or somethin’.  I don’t wanna embarrass her none.”

 

“Tomorrow if you wish, I will take you and show you how it is done.  You perhaps may want to do it again another time.. this sending money”…….

 

He kinda let that hang a little, and I figured it was time ta confess….

 

“Yeah, I reckon I might, Armand.  See.. it’s sort hard for me ta say, but.. Miss Harmony an’ me.. well.. ya know.. we kinda hit it off over there.”

 

Armand nodded, he was an old hand at this, I guess, an’ I went on,

 

“See, I feel kinda confused an’ ya know.. guilty as hell.. about Cynthia.  I mean…she’s still in here, ya know” …

 

I tapped my chest,

 

..”an’ now I’m kinda confused.  I feel like I’m doin’wrong by both o’ them ladies, an’ I just don’t know how ta resolve it for myself.  I guess ya could say..no easy ways about it.. I guess ya could just say that I love ‘em both, an’ it’s killin’ me!”

 

Armand considered that for a few seconds, and called Aloise for another brandy.. and topped up my glass,

 

“I see your problem, Mr Pete, it is very difficult for you.  I think that you must ask yourself a question, very simple.”

 

I looked up..I was all ears,

 

“If your situation with Miss Cynthia were reversed, and it was she sitting here and not you.. how would YOU feel about this, looking down from heaven?  Would you want her to stay with your ghost?  Or would you want her to be happy and have a good life and have what it is she wants?”

 

I swirled my drink, and thought about it, but it wasn't hard,

 

“I guess I’d just say that she needed to be happy, so I could be happy, an’ that it’d make no difference to me… I’d still love her… except that she could have that good life.  I guess that about covers it.”

 

Armand nodded,

 

“Then.. one more question for you, Mr Pete.  If Cynthia is looking down now, what would SHE want for YOU? The same?  Or something different?”

 

I looked up at Armand and raised my glass in a toast to him,

 

“You’re a smart man, Armand… I’d have ta say she’d want me to be happy, an’ that would make her happy,too!”

 

We drank together, and I filled him in on the rest,

 

“See, Miss Harmony, Kimiko, an’ me.. well we’re pretty different, but we have this real strong thing between us, ya know?  She’s a pretty smart girl, an’ she said it right…Pete Grappler.. you got something to find in your life, an’ only you can find it!  An’ she’s right…. I jus’ gotta keep looking for whatever rainbow it is I’m searchin’ for, Armand….. then maybe I can get back to her!  I reckon she’ll be there when I do!”

 

“Armand smiled,

 

“Yes, I think so, too, Mr Pete.  I think so”.

 

We drank down our shots, an’ called fer another……

 

*     *     *     *    *