Security

The first chapter of a story i am still unsure of whether to continue or not.

The winter breeze sent tingles up her arms as Gen jumped the polished marble steps and continued down the stone alleyway. The echoes that mirrored her footsteps created a small wave of noise that followed her and, similar to when she was a child, Gen found a tiny pocket of comfort in the absence of silence. As another gust of wind blew through the alley she instinctively went to pull the already snug leather jacket even closer as a shiver passed down her spine and left her with a chill that she knew would later turn into a cold. She came to a stop when a sly yawn caught her off guard and her hands began to fumble with her new mauve scarf that, while she was walking, had been cutting off her circulation and leaving her feeling light headed. It was only when Gen stood still and the friendly comfort that the echoes had brought was gone, that the desire to run had begun to creep in. Much like the shivers brought on by the wind, the presence of another had left a chill that had frozen both her mind and body and as the seconds ticked by she remained as cold and as still as a statue. It was only when her mind registered the familiar sounds of a man cough did she finally turn and face the person behind her. She remained where she was for a split second before jogging over to the hunched over figure who was now leaning against the cool stones on the wall for support. Gen’s hand automatically went to his back and tried to help him stand as her eyes moved from his greying hair to his receding hairline after finally settling on his face.

“You know you shouldn’t be out at night when the chance of catching a chill is so high”.

Instead of the expected argument that usually followed suit the man simply grunted and began to walk down the ally. After a moment of contemplating the man’s sanity another yawn took hold of her and while attempting to shake it off she hurried to catch up.

 

“God your life is dull kid. I think I might fall asleep”

 

The shock of hearing a sound other than footsteps had a small gasp escape her mouth as she spun around to see who had spoken. Instead of the image of a person, Gen was met with the sight of an empty street that held no one but herself and the man. Her eyes narrowed as she searched through each shadow that lay around her. When nothing or no one materialised she turned to confirm with the man that there was in fact a sound and that she was not going prematurely crazy. She was met with the sight of the man up the street, continuing to walk as if nothing had happened. She shouted at him to wait or at least to turn around but it was as if she had suddenly become a ghost for no response was given.

 

“Jesus Christ. Is this really all I have to work with here?”

 

The wind that was only a slight breeze before was now blowing in strong gusts that were moving right through her and making her question the invention of leather as a jacket. Gen could feel her heart in her temples as the fact that she was alone registered in her mind.

 

“Alright I’ve seen enough here, bring her back”

 

She was only allowed a second to figure out what the words meant before she stumbled as the street began to shake as a woman yelled,

 

“I said Bring Her Back Now!!”

 

As another tremor took hold of the street she could feel herself getting dizzy and after losing focus she began to fall back. Gen’s world was black when her head hit the feather pillow but her mind was still spinning. As she opened her eyes she was met  with a bright white light and an angel smiling a golden smile at her from up on the ceiling. She groaned as the realisation of where she was sunk in and with a frustrated sigh she closed her eyes and wished herself back where she was. It was only when she felt someone lean down did she once again open them and come face to face with a cocky grin.

 

“You will have to do better then that sleeping beauty”

Reviews

[Christoph Poe]

There's a few things I've noticed here, (I'm going to break it down a bit):

First paragraph: there is too much action for your readers to follow. It's okay if you intend for it to be more punchy in the beginning, but you need a pattern if you want to keep that up. I'll be honest with you too--descriptive openings don't typically catch your every-day-reader's interests. You have a rise of action here: use it in the beginning. Have this--stranger?--speak first.

This leads me to the next issue: I don't know who's speaking. You haven't given us anything. It's good to be suspenseful in the beginning, but too suspenseful is a cryptic turnoff for your readers. They want something understandable the first time they read it--not something they have to stop and wonder about.

I think you have an amazing talent and a great story started. You're like a superhero who isn't a hero, but just found out they were "super". You craft sentences together beautifully, and your descriptions are great. You just need some control. You need to organize these thoughts better. Try imagining a paragraph like this, and practice with it:

First sentence: address who's speaking.
Second sentence: what are they doing? (Action and detail of surroundings)
Third sentence: they speak: "_____________"
Fourth sentence: description related to an ^^ above ^^ sentence.
Fifth sentence: conclude with the main characters thoughts.

I'm no expert, but maybe this will help?

Anyways, this was a great piece overall! I enjoyed it regardless of my complaints. (You could make this a longer opening too. Don't rush yourself.)

Take care,
Christoph Poe

92/100