random feelings

random

Things never seemed easy for us. Life seemed to be fine. it all got worse. things passed through my head as if it wouldn't stop. my sadness worsened. i felt like i didn't wanna breath anymore. it got so bad i actually didnt plan my future bc i didn't wanna be alive anymore. I remember them saying "you don't need him he hurt you, just forget about him". i could drink away the pain to be numb again. but then id run off like i did in a decently bigger city. i told them i was gonna leave if we didn't. they didnt even manage to notice me while i was walking. it was cold. i was freezing i swear the tears that dripped down my face only froze. i felt empty. they always leave you it went through my head like a pound of bricks. He hurt me. but i still forgave him. I was back in reality. i went back and cried myself to sleep. the alcohol didnt numb me anymore. it just made me realize who i am without certain people in my life. i honestly never wanted to come back. and thats the sad part. i wanted to disappear. but then i realized i have no place to go. i may not know who i even am now. but the one thing ive been fighting for i cant give up. my happiness can be conquered. although. were moving again in a few weeks. hope i can keep my job. i hope everythings going to be okay. i cant shake the feeling right now. my stomach is in a knot. it hurts. like someone is stabbing me to wake up. but it gets deeper. and deeper. i wrote my old friend a letter. when i say old, it means we arent friends anymore. thats because we arent. i wanted a friendship i knew i couldnt have. i did treat her like s**t. but i think i treat myself worse. im doing okay, i just wonder if shes still happy with the guy she chose over her best friend. it all scares me to think i wont even be here next year. ill be in maryland. ill be living the thing i never even thought id have to do. go into the navy? leave all my friends? its probably the best thing i could do with my life. its scary to leave home like that. but its for the best. everything seems to be for the best. i have changed for the best.