Chapter 22

The rest of the day passed with me switching between crying in my pillow and staring at the blank tv. It wasn’t until sunset when there was a knock on my door. 

I quickly wiped my eyes of the remaining tears before the door opened and James walked in, that unreadable expression still on his face. He closed the door behind him and my heart sank to the floor. Before he could say anything, I threw myself at his feet and tears stung my eyes for the millionth time that night. 

“Please! Please don't hurt me!! I’m so sorry!! I didn’t mean to!! I’m sorry! Don’t be mad at me please!!” 

My hysterical yelling slowly turned to soul-shattering sobs as I continued to whisper ‘don’t hurt me’ over and over again. I gasped as a hand landed on my back and I immediately prepared for the pain that would come next, but instead, I was lifted into the air and placed gently on the bed, my legs dangling over the sides. 

James sat down beside me and wrapped an arm around me.  The shock outweighed the fear as I stared at James who was looking at me sadly but also confused. 

“I would never hurt you, Sera. Why would you think that?” I was silent, letting the last few sobs die down. 

It was silent for a minute as James ran a calming hand up and down my back. “Will you tell me what happened, Sera?” 

I stared down at my arms and grabbed my left wrist, the action not going unnoticed. The scars hidden underneath my sleeves were aching. I took a deep breath before attempting to speak. 

“I… s-she... th-they…” I took a deep breath once again trying to control my mind before it sent me into the oncoming panic attack. My breathing started to become erratic, but before it could develop any further James pulled me into his arms completely. 

“Shhhh, take a deep breath. Don’t push it, just let it out.” 

I quickly calmed down again and pulled myself from the comforting hug. I didn’t deserve it. Focusing my attention back on my arms and trying to keep the tears at bay, I sighed. 

“They… they were making fun of me because of these... “ I slowly pulled my sleeves up and heard an audible gasp from James. “They thought I self-harmed.” 

James grabbed both of my wrists and studied them for a few moments. During the silence, it was all I could do to keep my thoughts in the present and not picture my father. My arms shook in his hold and the tears were starting to fall. Biting my lip I tried to keep the sobs back for as long as possible. When James looked up, there were tears in his eyes. 

“Sweetheart, why… why would you do this to yourself?” The worry and panic in his voice were obvious, but I shook my head. Pulling my arms out of his grasp, I pulled my sleeves back down and wrapped my arms around myself. My tears were in full force as I tried to explain. I shook my head and confusion joined James’ emotions. 

“That’s the thing,” I whispered, “I didn’t self-harm. It wasn’t me.” His confusion doubled, but I could see it in his eyes the moment he understood. His face filled with horror and I saw his eyes flood with tears. 

“No…” I simply nodded and I was pulled into James’ arms once more. I heard a small sniffle come from him before he spoke again. 

“Who would do this to you? Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. It all makes sense. The tensing, the begging. Oh my god.” The sobs burst through my throat but it didn’t stop me from speaking. 

“It was my father.” Immediately, his grip on me tightened and I heard another gasp. 

“How could your own father do that to you! You’re such a wonderful young girl-”  

“No!” 

I pulled myself out of his arms and stood in front of him. Shock was etched into his face and anger boiled inside of me. Not at James, at myself for being so pathetic. 

“He was right! I deserved everything he did to me and more. I am stupid! I am fat! I’m ugly and I’m especially useless!” My hands flew to my hair and started tugging harshly trying to bring the pain I knew I deserved. “Everything he ever said about me was one hundred percent true. And I deserved every slap he gave me. Every punch, every kick, every scar… I deserved it.” The tears were still streaming down my face like a river but my anger bubbled out towards the end of my speech, resulting in my shouting being reduced to a whisper. 

“Sweetheart… none of that’s true…. You-” I ignored him completely and continued speaking, still at a whisper. 

“But he was most right about it being all my fault.” 

I barely heard James ask, “What’s your fault?” but I didn’t acknowledge it. My brain was too focused on the thoughts of my mother as I continually whispered that it was all my fault. I was transported back in time to all of the times my father told me it was my fault. He would never stop until I told him that it was my fault. And he was right, it was. 

I barely recognized James get off of my bed and grab my hands, untangling them from my hair and pulling them down to my sides. Then he grabbed my wrists tightly, trying to gain my attention. I heard him start to say something, but I couldn’t understand what. It sounded like it was far away. Finally, he shouted my name and it brought me back to my room. 

Looking at James the first thing I noticed was that he was starting to panic but relief flooded his eyes when mine focused. His left hand released my wrist and reached up to my face. He smoothed my hair down and cupped my cheek, rubbing his thumb across it. He paid no attention to the tears now on his hand. He bent down to rest his forehead against mine and stared straight into my eyes. 

“Sweetheart?” He waited until I acknowledge him with a pathetic whimper. “I need you to take a deep breath for me and calm down,” he said, his voice calm and soothing. I followed his instruction and struggled to take a deep breath, but I kept trying. Finally, I was able to take a full deep breath. 

During the process, I calmed down, but the tears still fell down my cheeks silently. 

“There we go,” he whispered as he pulled back just a little. “Now, what’s your fault?” 

“My mom… it’s my fault she died.” His face lit up in shock before he schooled it back into being calm. 

“But, honey, you told me your mom died in a car crash. How could that be your fault?” I took a deep breath and let it all out. 

“It was my thirteenth birthday. My dad, mom, and I all lived together and we were all very happy. Six months prior, I saw a new flavor of ice cream, cotton candy. I told her that I wanted it for my birthday and I repeatedly reminded her. But when my birthday came, she forgot and I threw a tantrum. I really wanted that ice cream, but more than that, I was upset that she had forgotten something that I really wanted. My mom, being the way she was, felt really bad and went to go get it for me. After all, it was only a few minutes down the road. On her way back, she was hit by a drunk driver. She… she died on impact.” 

During my small speech, the frown on James’ face deepened with every word. “Honey that's not your fault. You didn't hit her, the drunk driver did.” 

“But it was,” I whispered. “If I hadn't thrown a fit she wouldn't have gone. Or if I reminded her more maybe she would have remembered. Or-” 

“No. Listen to me. It is not your fault. Your mom made that choice to go. It could have easily happened to anyone else. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's no one's fault. If anyone's to blame it's definitely not you.” 

“But maybe if I slowed her down or…” 

“No, Sera. That's not how this works. What's done is done. You can't change it, but you can change the way you view it. If none of that happened? I never would have gotten the chance to meet such a wonderful wonderful girl like you.” 

That made me smile. He was right. I never would have gotten to meet him and that made me sad to think about. My tears suddenly slowed to a stop and I saw James' eyes fill with relief and happiness. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and he did the same in return. After a few moments like that, we both pulled back. 

“How… how did you get out?” he asked. 

“Well, one time when he was, well, you know, one of the neighbors must’ve heard and called the police. They ran in and chased him off. I was taken to the hospital and once I was discharged Dimitri and Tonya took me in.” He smiled at the mention of Dimitri and Tonya. 

“I’m glad it was them. They’re really nice people.” 

“They are.” 

We sat in silence for a few moments before dread filled his face. “Whatever question you’re thinking of, go ahead and ask.” I saw him swallow and take a deep breath. 

“You said that the police chased him off?” I nodded, knowing where this was going. “Was he… caught?” 

I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes and looked away. Wrapping my arms around myself again, I shook my head. I heard nothing from James and looked back. His face was expressionless. After several uncomfortable minutes, I needed a subject change. 

“So, are you mad at me for what happened at school?” James immediately looked at me. 

“Well, you certainly shouldn't have done what you did,” he answered sternly. A frown made its way into my face. 

“Yeah, I know…” But then his face broke into a smile.

“But I think you've had enough to deal with. Why don't we go watch a movie?” Before I had the chance to answer, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and started guiding me downstairs. “How about we watch something funny? Does that sound good?” 

“Uh-huh!” 

* * *

After James and I had gone downstairs Tessa ran over a gave me a giant hug. James must have told her what had happened at school, but of course, she didn't know about earlier. Looking towards James, he looked at Tessa and then back at me. It was obvious that he wanted me to tell her too. 

Before I could change my mind we all sat on the couch and I told Tessa what I had just told James, minus the crying and other stuff. James sat on my left and held my hand for support, while I talked to Tessa who was on my right. She cried during the entire thing and pulled me into a giant hug when I was done. 

Seeing her reaction made me tear up again and James joined the hug so I was surrounded. She promised me that they would never treat me like that and James agreed, but I wasn’t afraid anymore. I had no reason to be. 

James told me that he had a surprise planned for tomorrow. With that in mind, I headed to bed.