Chapter 1

            “It’s all your fault!” 

“I-I’m sorry! Please don’t!” 

“It’s all your fault that she died!” 

I sat cowering in the corner of the living room. My father towered over me drunk, as usual. His face was bright red, veins popping out of his neck from yelling so hard, spit caught in his beard, his brown hair all messy. His small beer gut jiggled as he yelled. His dark green shirt was covered in stains, as were his jeans. Where the stains had come from, I had no idea.  

For a second he looked away, and that’s when I took my chance. I shot up and ran towards the stairs, but he quickly grabbed ahold of my long black hair and yanked, causing me to fly back into him. He held me to him and leaned in close, the smell of alcohol on his breath made my stomach twist. My scalp stung from where he yanked my hair and still held it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he pulled some of it out. He was so close that I could see the hint of wrinkles around his eyes and mouth and his breath was heavy in my ear. I was so scared I probably could have passed out. I wished for it at this point. I knew what happened next.

“Did I say you could leave?” he whispered angrily. And that’s where it got dangerous. When he lowered his voice in anger, I was done for. Because whenever he whispered, he got more violent. My fear doubled. He hadn’t been this angry in months. Last time ended with me in the hospital. I shouldn’t have tried to run. If I hadn’t, I may have gotten away with only a few bruises. Wrong move Sera, wrong move. 

Suddenly he pushed me into the wall, my head knocking against it and making me dizzy. Immediately, I felt blood drip down my forehead. Before I could shake the dizziness off, he punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. Groaning in pain, I tried to breathe but wasn’t given a chance as he grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled so I was standing straight again. 

“You’re the reason I’m like this,” he spit angrily, “You’re so stupid, ugly, and fat. You’re the reason she’s gone!” He threw me onto the ground before kicking me in the stomach. Tears ran down my face, but it wasn't because of the pain. I was used to it by now. It was because of the words he spoke. They were all true. It was my fault and I was stupid, ugly, and fat, useless too. I didn’t use to think this way though. I thought I was decent looking and rather smart. But when your father tells you those things over and over, you eventually start to believe them.

I curled in on myself, hoping to protect myself from the next blow. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe through the pain that I already had, but another never came. Confused, I opened my eyes to see him walking away. What was he doing? Why’d he just walk away? As confused as I was, relief flooded my senses. Was it over? I watched with lingering fear as he continued to walk away. It was possible that he could just turn around and continue. As he turned into the kitchen, it hit me. He was getting another drink.

Despite the pain, I shot up once again and ran to my bedroom, locking the door behind me. I took a minute to breathe, the tears still running down my face. Once my breathing steadied I headed to the bathroom that was connected to my bedroom and grabbed the first aid kit I kept in there. Putting pressure on the cut, I got it to stop bleeding. Thankfully, I hadn’t lost much blood, but there was a chance I could have a concussion. Nothing new. 

I wet a towel in the sink and wiped the blood away before disinfecting it and placing a band-aid on it. Luckily it wasn’t that bad this time. After so many times of having to do this, I’ve gotten pretty good at it. I lifted my shirt to find a large bruise already forming on my stomach where he had kicked me. I stared at the bruise before moving on and looking at all of the other scars painting my skin.

Following the pattern, I rolled up the sleeves of my shirt and looked at all of the scars there as well. Tears welled up in my eyes again, my heart aching. I couldn’t help it. The memories were so painful. I could remember what had happened for each and every scar. There was one particular scar on my arm that always brought tears to my eyes. It was the biggest one that I had. 

I was just getting home from my friend’s house, and I was running to my room for cover when I had accidentally knocked his bottle of whiskey off of the table. It fell to the floor and broke, the whiskey and glass splattering all over the floor. He was furious with me. He shoved me onto the floor and grabbed a shard of the broken bottle. He drug it down my arm, cutting it open so deep that I needed stitches. He fed the hospital some lie about me tripping with a glass in my hand and they easily bought it and fixed me up. 

Finally exiting the bathroom, I laid down on my bed and continued to let out silent tears. I learned how to cry without making any noise a long time ago. If he heard you crying he would come back for round two. I stared at my ceiling as if I could see through it, up past the clouds, and into heaven. That’s where my mom was. 

I began to speak quietly, I did this almost every night. “Hey, mom. It’s me again. Do you remember that tomorrow is going to be my fourteenth birthday? It’ll also be one year since you died. I miss you so much. It’s getting hard to remember your voice.” I paused for a while, thinking of what to say next. 

“Mom? What was dad like before you died? I can’t remember it anymore.” The tears streamed down my face. “He’s right though, mom. It’s my fault that you're gone now. I am ugly and fat and stupid. I’m sorry mom. I hope you’re happy up there.” 

I apologized like this every night. She deserved more than that, but it was all I could offer. I couldn’t go back and fix what I had done. If only I hadn’t… been so selfish… she would still be here. 

Getting up and turning out the light, I crawled back into my bed and laid down. It didn’t take me long before I drifted off to sleep and started dreaming, the only place where I could truly be happy.

Reviews

[Lyanth]

Hi, so actually I wrote a book with a similar concept a few years back. I'll share with you a few things I learned writing mine.
For one, there are a lot of these types of writes out there and to be honest, being someone who has ready quite a fair share I can tell you, in these cases -At least in my opinion- more is less.
Readers for the most part don't particularly seem to like or care for graphic or intense scenes focusing on physical abuse, especially by a parent to a child.
It's just really not something many people find easy to read(This does not mean in any way that it is not written well or not a good story and I know it may be necessary to develop the story and character).
Just in general, I've seen better ways to include the abuse without focusing on it. Perhaps you could just incorporate it into the story line, instead of making a full chapter about it.
For example, maybe the character can show us the scar and bring up a brief flashback or memory of its background.
Or you could hint at it, make it clear what is happening without showing it so much.
End a chapter with her coming home or walking into a room and him being there waiting for her and start the next with her tending her new injuries. These are just examples.
Either way I thought you wrote well, decent grammar, good paragraph spacing, interesting and emotional story line you have going there.
These are just my opinions and I am by no means a professional writer, others may have differing opinions so don't let it change your style, just a friendly tip.
Have a great day/night,
Lyanth

[GraceFullbuster]

Thank you so much!! I'll certainly take that into consideration!

[Lyanth]

My pleasure, if you get the chance, drop by, I'd love to hear your opinion.

[Katerina Felinova]

wow! this is great! there were a few times I thought sentences could be worded a little differently or that back to back sentences had repetition in them but part of me feels like that is personal preference. With everything being said though, I was interested and hooked and will definitely continue reading. If this was a book I would pick of at Barnes and Noble and read the 1st few pages of, I surely would have purchased it!

[Carola]

hi grace,
firstly i'm not a book writer, i only do poetry, so i can't really 'review' a book, i can only tell you what i do or don't like.
i've only read chapter 1 & to me, as a story it reads well & there were no boring bits, & it feels like it's your personal life story.
however, would i go & buy this sort of book, or even read it as a library book....no i wouldn't.

i feel there is enough violence out there in movies, tv & video games, i don't won't more ! i prefer to read stories that are fun, or funny, or informative & uplifting & not depressing.

there's too much violence in the world, from street to home violence, gang violence, & constant wars. it's no wonder our youth have problems!
sorry i couldn't be more helpful, but you have accumulated some wonderful & experienced book reviews here.
cheerio carola

[Will Neill]

Grace thank you for asking me to review your chapter...I have also read all the other reviews and they have more or less covered what I think is 'wrong' with this piece-now I don't mean you cant put together a story well but to be honest it would fit better as an 'action piece' within a longer chapter which is preceded by some background building of your characters. I'm never a fan of starting a book with dialogue-you also have a habit of repeating the same word in a sentence which is a sign of a novice writer, try to find alternatives. Editing is the key to good writing and rereading extensively for mistakes is a must before any publishing should be considered. I know this is a often used 'show don't tell' but I'm afraid you have fallen into this trap slightly so see where you can correct this. I hope this short review has helped and please keep on writing-once bitten by the bug you can never stop-take care Will.

[George David Hope]

Why can't I come up with something as good as this. I've got so many ideas for books just not the "Balls" to start. I cannot make any suggestions as to where or if you went wrong as I don't believe I have the experience, I just sat back with a cup of coffee and read it and enjoyed it. Maybe one day I'll make a start on one of my own. Certainly consider what other people say...but at the end of the day just enjoy the ride..it's your work and you should be proud of it.

[AG Condor]

It’s written decently good. There’s one error: “off of the table” and “thankfully” in “thankfully I had not lost much blood” does not sound pathetic enough. Kind of “thankfully, the weather did not get completely foul”. But these are minor points. As for the general conception: you are not detached enough. You pity yourself too much. But the literature begins with the detachment.

[JayG]

Okay, given that you're taking that as your major, I thought you’d want to know a few things that jumped out at me—things that far too many courses like yours don’t hit.

This may sting though, given the work you put into the story, and how real it is as you read it, but what I’m about to say refers to matters of craft, not your talent or potential as a writer.

When you read the story's opening it works perfectly. But you cheat. Because you know the characters and the situation before you read the first word you project that knowledge onto the words. But what about someone who has only what the words suggest to them, based on their background, and without access to your intent? Let’s look at it as they must, and at the questions the words raise for them:

• “It’s all your fault!”

“It’s” all your fault? What are we talking about here? Who’s saying this and why? Unless we know that, the words have neither context nor emotion for anyone but you. You, though, knowing all that, hear this in the voice and emotion this unknown speaker would use.

• “I-I’m sorry! Please don’t!”

Who’s sorry, and why? And what is this unknown person about to do. In fact, we never learn. So again, we have words, but they mean nothing. Will they gather meaning if I read on? Who cares? You cannot retroactively remove confusion. Were this a submission, here is where the rejection slip would appear. An acquiring editor, and by extension, the agent who would pass this to that editor, gives you only one strike.

• . My father towered over me drunk, as usual. His face was bright red, veins popping out of his neck from yelling so hard, spit caught in his beard, his brown hair all messy. His small beer gut jiggled as he yelled. His dark green shirt was covered in stains, as were his jeans. Where the stains had come from, I had no idea.

Think about it. This person of unknown gender (we don’t learn their name till 292 words pass, and many readers won’t be able to tell if Sera is male or female) is cowering before someone about to so something. But after telling the reader that, and after the first line of this, which is meaningful, you stop the action and list things a viewer would take in in an eye-blink’s time, and do so one at a time. But is the protagonist paying the slightest attention to his shirt color? The stains? That his gut jiggles when he yells? Hell no. They expect to be hit and are pleading for him not to.

So who’s noticing this detail? Certainly not someone frightened. And who cares to know that detail at this point? Not Sera. But you’re neither on the scene nor in the story. Nor can you read minds. So why are you on the scene talking about him? And why doesn’t he turn on you and ask who you are?

My point? You’re thinking cinematically, and talking about what YOU visualize as viewable, which is very different from what she's focused on.

A picture is worth a thousand words. And given that our medium doesn't reproduce either sound or pictures, it would take four standard manuscript pages to make the reader “see” what you do. But that would be a static picture, and your protagonist is ignoring pretty much all of it.

Here’s the deal:

1. Learning what can be seen is not at all like seeing it. So don’t waste words trying to make the reader see it, unless… If it matters to the protagonist in the moment they call now, it matters to the reader.

2. Plot is way down on the list of important things. It can be appreciated only in retrospect. If the writing doesn’t make the reader care, they won’t turn the page and see that plot in action.

3. Our medium, unlike vision and hearing, is serial. Everything a reader gets in an eyeblink’s time in life or on the screen must be laboriously spelled out, one detail art a time. But if it takes longer to read that the protagonist crossed the room and sat than to do it I life the story draaaaags. So every word you can eliminate without losing voice or meaning speeds the read and adds impact.

4. Story happens, and does so in real-time. So info-dumps of any kind are to be avoided. Make context and implication work for you.

5. Every line must either move the plot, set the scene, meaningfully, or develop character. Any line not fitting one of more of those should be cut because it serves only to slow the narrative.

• Suddenly he pushed me into the wall, my head knocking against it and making me dizzy. Immediately, I felt blood drip down my forehead.

Adverbs have a deservedly bad reputation. By definition, if someone pushes you it’s sudden. Think about it. Any event that’s not happening and then is, is sudden…and immediate. In speech, adverbs are often used as demonstration-words to add emotion.

If we say, “There was absolute silence,” We stress the word “absolute,” to set a mood. We might say, “Slowly, he turned,” saying the word as “sloooowly,” to demonstrate the speed. But on the page? Is there a difference between silence and absolute silence? No. And who cares how fast he turned unless it’s important to the plot?

But added to that, where’s the emotion in this excerpt that will make me care? “This happens…then that happens…and after that…” That’s a report. This person isn’t living the events, they’re recounting them as dispassionately as were they talking about buying groceries.

My point: This is not first person, as a publisher views that because it’s not happening, it’s being talked about. Is there really any difference between the author talking about things that happened and the author wearing makeup and pretending to be the person who once lived the events? No, because in neither case are we in the viewpoint of the protagonist.

Yes, you’re using first person pronouns, and we call that point of view, but in writing, fiction that’s irrelevant.

Tell the reader:

Jack walked to the garage to get the car and meet Sue out front.
Or,
I walked to the garage to get the car and meet Sue out front.

In both cases the same person walked to the same garage and got the same car. But…in neither case is that Jack going to the garage. Instead, it’s a dispassionate outside observer reporting events.

Were we in Jack’s viewpoint, does he think about where the car is? No. Does the reader care? No. In Jack’s life, it would be more, “As he went to get the car, Jack thought about what Sue said. Could she be right, and the fault was his?”

My point? Jack is living his life, and focused on what matters in the moment. So yes, we learn where he’s going, but that’s incidental detail. What matters is what has Jack’s attention. After all, he’s the protagonist, and we’re going to make his life a living hell for the entertainment of the reader. So at least, let the poor b*****d star in his own story, and make his own decisions. We don't assign them, we create the situation that will make hum WANT to do what we need, based on his resources needs, and personality.
- - - -
So, why didn’t you see everything I mentioned? Because your teachers never told you a critical point: Remember how many reports and essays you were assigned as you went through school, and how few stories? That’s because they were teaching you the general skills we call The Three R’s. And they’re skills that employers require. Writing fiction is a profession, and as such, the skills of it are acquired in ADDITION to those of your schooldays.

What that means is that like everyone else, you assumed that the common word between writing and Fiction-Writing meant that the two were related. But they’re not.

You learned writing skills that are fact-based and author-centric, as are all nonfiction pieces. So of course, when you turn to fiction, and knowing nothing else, you use those techniques you own and the result is focused on detail, is told in its entirety by a narrator, and reads like a report.

Think back. Did even one teacher mention that scenes end in disaster for the protagonist, and why? Did they explain the major difference between a scene on the page and one on the screen and stage—the elements that make it up? How about the short-term scene-goal?

See the problem? It’s not your fault, certainly, because who’s to tell us? But still, it is what you need to fix.

But of more importance, if you just began your major this year, why in the hell hasn’t your CW professor done it? Since it’s your major, they should have you up to speed on the basics by now. But since they haven’t done that, I guess it’s up to me to steer you toward the information you need, the emotion-based and character-centric writing techniques the pros take for granted. If nothing else, it will help you get better grades in your core subjects.

First, as an orientation, and to see how great the difference is between the writing style you were given in grade school and fiction, do a bit of browsing among the articles in my writing blog. They’re meant to give an overview of the field and point out the areas where most people get bogged down by their schooldays writing.

Then pick up a personal copy of Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It’s an older book, but is the best I’ve found, by far, for learning the nuts-and-bolts issues of creating scenes that sing to a reader, and linking them into a coherent whole.

I guarantee you that after having to slap your forehead for the tenth time and saying, “But...well that’s so damn obvious. Why didn’t I see that?” you’re going to feel as stupid as I did. But stick with it. And read slowly, with time to think about how each point raised relates to your writing, and to practice it enough to make it yours. Fail that and in three days you’ll forget you saw it.

And then, after about six months of using what you’ve learned, go back and read the book again. This time, knowing where he’s heading, you’ll pick up as much the second time as you did the first.

So…was that what you were hoping to see? Of course not. Who in their right mind would? On the other hand, though it wasn’t what you wanted to hear, it is what you need to know, especially given your goal.

Swain, the man who write that book, was a professor at Oklahoma U, and when he went on tour with his all day workshop he used to fill auditoriums. In fact, there are audio boil-downs of his lectures on writing and creating characters on Amazon, under the title, Dwight Swain, Master Writing Teacher. They won’t teach you what the book will, but they’re a good quick start, a sort of Swain lite.

So have at it. And then write a bestseller. ;)

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[MomzillaNC]

Wow. This is a visceral write.

Note: There are some minor edits to be made. One in particular is when you wrote he "drug" the glass across her arm. That should be [dragged].

[GraceFullbuster]

Thank you!!

[MomzillaNC]

You're welcome. Have you checked out my current WIP, "The Saga of Terashan and the Crystal Empires?"