The Underdog

It is not in my nature to put down my feeling into words. But I swear, it is not for lack of trying. My personality experienced a change (for the worst, if I might add) the day I stepped into boarding school. It was alarming the extent to which I was bullied- Physically and Mentally.

My first year with someone to simmer down the level of pain I experienced, but by my second year, I had received so much humiliation and pain that I had embraced my role as the one to be trampled upon, the one at the bottom of the food chain. i became so angry and bitter that I forgot what it was like to smile. To my senior, I probably was that ugly, skinny, black girl who missed a step from coming to this world as a man.

Those who attempted to be pleasant or even be something more, were met with a strong and high wall which I had constructed overtime as a means to muffle my pain. Looking back now, I realize that I let go of a lot of wonderful people, because I didn't allow myself to see through my pain that people actually, even for a split second actually cares.

I allowed myself to wallow in my bitterness and eventually couldn't let go anymore and it has become a part of me, so much so that I find it difficult to believe that anyone could actually love me without making me feel less of who I am. My trust issues are at an all time low and crashing faster with each passing day. My relationships over the years have been complex and if I attempt to chronicle them, I may never stop. Or maybe that is what I should do, that is if I can remember because I have spent so much time pushing them down, that I can't even bring to memory the specifics.

Well here goes!