Time Isn't Everything

A poem based on the concept of being able to capture time. I hope you enjoy it!

Time Isn't Everything

If I could trap time in a bottle,

I promise I'd use it for good,

I'd give my mom a few more years,

and give my daughters all I could.

I'd tie the bottles in beautiful ribbon,

I'd tie them up in silky bows,

I'd give a lot of them away as gifts,

Or sell them in traveling shows.

Perhaps they'd call me Father Time,

As they came to see my face,

Maybe to get a bottle from me,

Wrapped up in pretty lace.

But all the people I had seen,

Would inevitably fall away,

As I couldn't give time to everyone,

To live another day.

Then I'd sit alone with all my time,

With nothing left but me,

And realize that time isn't everything,

But the people within it, you see.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading! Please feel free to let me know what you think!

(Also feel free to check out my other poem "The Wind Still Needs a Chime" as it is in the same fashion as this piece and hopefully I will be able to create a series of these.)

Extra info on this poem:
1st Place in a WC contest with 62 submissions.
Runner Up in a WC contest with 97 submissions.
2nd Best Poet in a WC contest with 21 submissions.

Reviews

[pia]

this is absolutely amazing. i loved the concept and the portrayal of how time is so important and valuable but at the end of the day. its the people within the time frame who are more valuable
loved th structure and the words you used for such a powerful poem

[Nicholas Duboe]

Thank you very much! I always love the comments I get on this particular piece. I am glad you read it, thank you!

[Coyote Poetry]

I don't know. I believe using time wisely is important. I did like the want to add some years to mother and daughter. I told my children. Travel, test life and have some fun before going to work for 50 years. I enjoyed the poem. Create thoughts and possibilities. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Nicholas Duboe]

Thank you very much. I really appreciate the feedback.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[Poetrygirl]

I must say that this poem captivated me from beginning to end. It's like I wanted more at the end. I can tell that it's coming from your heart and it's real deep. Write on!

[Nicholas Duboe]

Thank you very much! I really appreciate the kindness!

[James O'Rourke]

This is a really cool piece.

The concept of being able to literally bottle up time, as you would fruits and jams, promises a lot of possibilities. This concept asks an interesting question of the reader as well. If you were able to capture time and give it to others, would you give it to only those you care about or would you also give time to strangers? Perhaps you could make a continuation of this poem or separate piece with a similar concept.

On an academic note, I would agree with Mai's review. The last three stanzas seem a little chunky. Maybe shorten a few of the lines or rewrite them with rhythm in mind. I have the same problem with a lot of my writing. I tend to focus whole-heartedly on the content and end up lagging on the rhythm and flow of the overall piece.

For a new write though, beautiful work. I can't wait to read more of your work!

[Nicholas Duboe]

I read you and Mai's comments and edited my work. After I compared the two versions of it, I did find that both your points did help and originally I was blind and def to hear it but after a closer look, my mind finally came around to comprehend the changes. I hope you feel I fixed the issue.

[Mai L Nissen]

I love the concept! The two first stanzas are very well written. The following are good too, though the flow seems a bit stifled - this is of course subjective and a personal preference:
"To maybe just get a bottle from me," - how about 'maybe just to get...'?
"Because I couldn't give time to everyone," - how about 'As' instead of 'Because'?
"With nothing else left but me," - 'nothing left but me'?

When I have been asked to review something, I try not just to give compliments - it is not because my own writing is at all flawless...

[Nicholas Duboe]

Thank you for the compliments and suggestions!

[Novicepoet14]

i really enjoyed reading this poem, you are very talented.

[Nicholas Duboe]

Thank you very much! Im glad you enjoyed it!

[Samhitha Mopati]

An elegant piece carved in a rightful manner! :)

[Nicholas Duboe]

Thank you very much!

[behindgreeneyes65]

I enjoyed this! Well done :)

[Nicholas Duboe]

Thank you very much!

[D.L]

Beautifully stated. You've *almost*, though not quite, a Dr. Seuss cadence, a kinda joyful rhythm for a sad topic. It makes it fun to read, but still gets the message across. The concept reminds me of the movie called "In Time," though the theme of "immortality as torture" is, in itself, timeless (Sorry. Couldn't resist the pun.) In any event, good work.

[Nicholas Duboe]

Thank you very much! Im so glad you enjoyed it!