Chapter 6 - Here I'm Not

I was sitting in my last class, Mr. Darvin's English III, in the dark, head on my hand as a video explaining Lord of the Flies shot out of a projector. The rest of the school day had dragged on as I knew it would. I couldn't stop thinking about whatever awaited me after that final bell. Not only am I actually going somewhere for the first time in however long its been since Ive been anywhere but even better, Im going somewhere, wherever that may be, with Claire. It seemed pretty strange to think I had spent all this time building walls and barriers to only have them be taken down in a single day by a single person. What the f**k is happening to me?

I can't figure out why I feel this sudden need to reach out. I mean, its been so long since Ive had anyone so why now? Why like this? I like to believe its because of my solitude or because maybe now that someone had finally given me a chance again that I feel entitled to prove something for some reason. Whether or not Im proving it to Claire or myself or both, I guess I just need to make some sort of move forward. So perhaps maybe its not my solitude thats the problem but my stationary. Now Im left with the issue of finding out just where the hell this move forward is going and learning just when the hell, in the past eight hours, did I lose control of myself These are all very good and very valid questions to ask but just like my self control Ive lost all my answers too. Way to go Jed… Your doing great so far. 

I watched the clock tick down until that very last moment as the final bell blasted like a starting gun and I quickly grabbed my bag and was the first one out the door. I won that race but I didn't make it very far because just as I ran out of the class I collided into a brick wall wearing a grey and blue letterman jacket. Tony Loya. He turned around, which was quiet a sight to see because I didn't think brick walls were mobile like that but clearly I was wrong. 

Before I could apologize or say anything for that matter he pulled me into a circle of letterman jacket clones. 

He shoved me to one side, "Watch it f****t!"

Another, "F****n' weirdo!"

His friend pushed me to the left , another one to the right and so on and so forth all while calling me every name they could think of until I fell to the ground with a thud. Thats when they dumped the contents of my bag on my head and left victoriously high-five-ing each other. Many people saw. No one helped. No one said anything. After an entire day or words and chatter being spewed endlessly, the moment I needed a single "stop!" was the first time throughout the day that nothing was said and I was left hanging. 

The halls emptied as I silently and slowly picked up my belongings in defeat, pushing back the urge to either punch something or cry. As I put the the last notebook in my bag I heard a soft sniffle behind me. Claire stood right next to the door I had rushed so quickly out of to see her and a single tear crept down her freckled cheek. I began to stand up, lifting my bag slowly and looked at her ashamed.

"Why did you let them do that to you?" Claire asked emotionally. I was quiet.

"Why?… They had no right! Your a human being Jed! A person!" She wailed. 

I walked up close to her, "Lets get one thing straight. Here Im not a person… and I damn sure didn't see you do anything to stop them, did you?" I asked rhetorically as I turned away and began to walk down the hall toward the bus pickup. 

I couldn't have one good day. Not one single god damn mother f*****g good day. Not one good day in my entire s****y life. Oh no, not Jedediah Wilson the f*****g f****t weirdo. He isn't allowed good days. Even he knows that, so f**k it. I'm done. Im going home.

"Hey!" Claire called out, "Where do you think your going?!"

"Home." I shout back. "Where I belong."

"But thats not where I want to stop!"

"What are you talking about?" I turn around.

"We had a deal. We walk until we find a place we like and then we stop and I am not ready to meet your parents."

"Since when are you meeting my f*****g… Wait since when are we even dating in the first place?!"

"Were not." She paused, "But I have a funny feeling we will be."

I was struck with amazement and looked at her in awe. She spoke with no filter. Her words were honest and unburdening. She didn't think about what to say or what effects it might have or how it might sound or if its the right thing to say. She just spoke honestly.

After a second I spoke out, "Look Claire, I don't even know who you are and Im pretty sure that you don't know me either."

She cut me off, "And I believe that this would be an excellent day to change that wouldn't you say so?" She looked down a hallway to her left. "Listen here. Im leaving through those doors at the end of that hall and I want you to come with me. Now I'm guessing here but I think you need this. I don't know why that is but Id really like to find out and another guess, I think you want to too. So follow me or not Im going and I hope you'll join me." And she turned and started stepping proudly down the hall like she had just won something.

Let her go Jed.

Don't do it Jed. 

Just head home Jed. 

Damn it Jed.

"Wait!" I jogged after her.

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent."

-Marilyn vos Savant