Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Hannah smirked into the small hand held gold rimmed mirror . Today would be the day that the casper empire would be able to spread out and take over. Like any person you would think that Hannah had human features such as a nose,mouth,eyes,ears,and well a body. Hannah did have these features but she was not human.She was one of the most feared hunters in  the world.She was a trained assasain that only had one motive. " To find her sister and to take away the power that she rightly deserved .  Slowly Hannah pulled her claws through her fine aburbun hair . "Today is the day she assured herself . My plan will work and the princess
will be in my hands. .The problem was that Hannah still remembered. She remembered  how Lady Demont  would say how she looked like her father . How her sister was never considered family or a playmate. But a rival and a target. One specific day stuck out the most. That day she was 16 and it was in the 15th century.   Mackenzie would allways dissapear into her mothers garden  durring the day time and reappear in the after noon. Every day she would become one shade lighter.The servants allways thought that she was becoming sickly . They would tell her to go out and get some sunshine in the garden . But mackenzies  eyes would get wide and she would  say " Is that proper of a lady?" The servants would sneer and turn their dainty noses in defeat . Hannah knew the real reason . Her mother was slowly sucking the life out of her . On the day of her wedding gala her mother and father walked into the gala together. Her mothers hair fell in ringlets behind her  like spun black silk . Riggling and bouncing like garden snakes dancing. Her sister was dressed in a beautifull seafoam blue dress. Her ice blue eyes danced as she smiled  . That day Hannah  was to meet her husband to be. Her own hair was braided down her back  curling like a centipede. Her cheeks were rosy and her dress was a cream color that fit her perfectly. Her father was quite excited about the marrige .It would provide his small land with more protection .Hannah felt aglow as the trumpets sounded as they entered the room. The orchestra played an opening song and everyone applauded . They began swirling arond the room in a flash of brilliant coulor . The marble floor was well polished. The tables were filled with an abundance of meats,cheeses,and pasteries.  The room was filled with soft golden light as they entered fully. Hannahs father spoted the young prince and made haste to coungratulate him.He  scratched his gray beard and laughed a full jolly laugh.  Her mother joined in and kissed his forehead smiling like old friends. Mackenzie was on the dance floor dancing with the nobeles . They all were flirting furiously with here. Hannah flinched with a tinge of jealousy .  "This isn't about her she thought shaking off her jealousy like dew drops . She smiled the prince was calmly talking to her father ocassionally glimpsing her and smiling.He had Curly brown  hair and  bright apple green eyes . Prince Logan Hannah said curtseying. At the same moment Mackenzie slipped beside her and curtseyed. Salutations her voice said cutting through her like a smooth blade . Logan looked dazzled as he looked at Mackenzies unhuman beauty . The way he looked at Mackenzie was like a dagger in her heart.Hannah turned red and said. Mackenzie,darling you look a bit pale . Mackenzie smiled and said have you been keeping up on the new trends. Hannah sighed in defeat and twirled  on her heel to leave.She had betrayed her . In the hallway she leaned against the wall and slid to the ground . A boy stood against the wall next to her when she looked  up . He was so exotic  Hannah couldnt help but stare . Sick of the light come with me he said..... 

Author's Note

ignore grammer . comment .suggest names pleasee

Reviews

[:PARAMOREchick]

i super enjoy the writing you have submitted and please pay attention to other people's comments see ya tomorrow u rock keep on giving me advise!!!

[Maria]

Yeah that is good but if you tell who talking and more about your character it will be awsome.

[Wes Guptill]

I try not throw commentary in the direction of the new writer, but after reading what you have posted here, I feel that I cannot turn a blind eye to this. I regret that I have to be the one to break it to you, but apparently the others that have reviewed this for you either have never read anything coherent in their lives or they just don't want to be honest and open with a fellow writer. Please do not take this as anything other than a critical analysis that is meant to help you; I am not the jealous writer type; I have no hidden agenda; nor do I ever wish to tear someone down for a cheap thrill. I value my integrity and my forthright manner as both writer and reviewer, on this and other sites. That being said, I have to make the following comments:
1. I could find no thread of plot development, although I am sure that one exists in your thoughts. Otherwise you would not have written this beginning segment. I know that you have a story simmering in your head, but unfortunately it did not make it onto the page, so to speak.
2. The characters were, to this point, one dimensional and without texture or substance. Even were you to include dialogue indicators for the characters, it would still be a confusing jumble as all of the characters seem to be possessed of the same attitude, emotional bent, and verbiage. In any given story, one of the separating points for major and minor characters alike is the verbal difference in their dialogue. That is conspicuously absent here. Suffice it to say that your characters and dialogue need major overhauls and development.
3. There is no coherent path and flow for the storyline. You begin in one time frame and then high-jack the rider and take to a different time and place (I think...), without warning or an airsickness bag. I have no idea when this story takes place or under what circumstances. Sadly, I have no clue as to whether I should be excited, horrified, morose, angry, or mystified by the characters and the events that are unfolding before my eyes. Long story short: Confusion runs rampant in this story, if indeed that is what this work can be categorized as.
4. Grammar, spelling, and syntax are key elements to any good story, but they can be overlooked until the time has come for revision. But there are some basics of mechanics (that is, punctuation, grammar, etc.) that one just cannot omit. To do so is to create something chaotic and damn near unintelligible. A big for instance is the lack of quotation marks in your dialogue. I do believe that is what the initial reviewer meant in their review.
5. If this is a chapter for a book, it does not appear as such. Rather, it looks as if you are simply jotting down notes for a sketch that can be developed into a story later on.

My commentary could go on for a considerable length of time, but I do believe that what I have given you so far gives a fair assessment of what is not working for your piece. I never tell anyone how to write or what to write, but I do think that you need to go back and give this piece some careful considerations. Try to figure out what it is you want to write and then make notes, developing the scenes, the characters, and the action. Build your plot points and craft the story, then set to writing it. You needn't worry about the grammar and things of that nature, just write what is in your head. But, please, for the sake of your story, pay attention to your notes and work closely to protect the story that is waiting to explode onto the page.
I would definitely be interested in seeing more, cohesive work on this one.
Thank you, and I hope that I have aided you to some extent. If you need further clarification to anything that I have written here, please leave me a message. I will definitely respond. Unless, that is, your message is negative in nature. Then, I'm sorry to report, I will not respond.
Good luck with your work.

[E. A. Fielder]

Again add more description to the characters. Try to delve a little more into character thoughts.

[Bexfinch]

question . What exactly is before and after dialouge?

[Skelasoldier]

Well, it would be nice if you could put a " before and after the dialoge so we know who is saying what and where. Other than that a good first chapter