Chapter 1: The Mirror

Baltimore, Maryland

May Lawson closed her eyes, listening to the cacophony of sounds around her. The loud song from the radio masked the roaring of the car’s engine and even managed to shift the girl’s attention away from her mother’s nagging voice.

“Hailey, honey, did you pack your swimsuit?” Her mother’s high-pitched voice outshouted the radio, as she addressed May’s sister sitting in the back.

May yawned, opened her eyes and stole a glance at her younger sister, three years younger to be precise.

Hailey huffed with irritation, tired of being asked the same questions over and over again. She flicked her long blonde hair, showing her impatience and forced a smile to her lips.

“Of course, I did, mom. I’m not stupid, you know.” She said, crossing her arms over her chest.

May’s mom huffed from the front seat, but said nothing in response to her daughter’s rudeness, her gaze distant, as though she was checking her mental list. Then her eyes brightened, as she remembered her next question.

“Richard, you took your toothbrush, right?” she made sure, glaring at her husband with a fair dose of doubt.

“Uhm.” May’s father grunted, his eyes dead set on the road.

Nancy Lawson huffed once again, less than pleased with how her husband ignored the most important issue - packing his toothbrush. She checked her looks in the mirror, tucking the stray strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. As she was examining her appearance in the mirror, she spotted the only person she hadn’t instructed yet - her older daughter May. The girl seemed to possess a mystical gift of invisibility and was surprisingly easy to overlook. Nancy turned around in her seat and glared at May like a hawk watching its prey.

“May, you know the drill,” her mother said firmly, furrowing her brows.

May nodded, holding in a sad and disappointed sigh as she looked her mother in the eye.

“Yes” she muttered. When she noticed that her mother kept staring at her expectantly, she decided on reciting the list that Nancy had crammed into her head earlier that morning. “I’ll be polite, helpful, nice to professor Hatchets and his wife, I won’t be causing any trouble.”

And I’ll probably die of boredom in the first few days, May added in her mind.

Nancy nodded, apparently pleased that her daughter remembered everything well.

“And don’t forget to study hard,” her mother reminded May, a dead-serious look on her face. “You want to get the scholarship and go to Harvard, don’t you? You should follow Hailey’s example. She’s so young and so smart already!”

“Sure, mom.” May uttered, ignoring the self-satisfied smirk plastered across Hailey’s face.

The older girl gritted her teeth, stopping herself from coming up with some snappy remark she might regret later. May set her eyes on the streets of Baltimore outside the car’s window, holding in her jealousy and frustration. Once again she had been compared to her younger sister, whom she could never compete with, no matter how hard she tried. Not that May was lacking in intelligence - quite the opposite. She always scored the best marks in the class and worked harder than anybody else at the expense of her social life; however, Hailey was better. She was three years younger, but she had skipped a grade, took part in national competitions, was even a member of Mensa. She never failed to effortlessly accomplish whatever caught her fancy, while the same things that cost May hard work. Hailey was the pride and joy of their family, and May was the other one, always second best.

Hailey was the perfect daughter, the little prodigy that had the looks, outgoing personality, friends and even a boyfriend. Everyone seemed to adore her. May tried to be proud of her sister’s accomplishments, but she couldn’t help but to be jealous.

May had always been a shy person; it didn't help that she was a bookworm and found more comfort in worn pages than in social interaction. Therefore, she was thought of as a nerd among her peers and didn’t have any close friends. Not that anyone bullied her - she was like an invisible girl, no one seemed to pay much attention to her, not even her family. Somehow she always found herself left out.

This time wasn’t any different. Dad got three tickets for a trip to Europe from his boss. May dreamt of seeing all the monuments, all of the places she had only ever watched on TV, but, of course, she was the one who had to be left behind. While her family would be having the time of their lives in France and Italy, she was supposed to stay at her dad’s friend’s place, helping him out and continuing her studies in order to get the expected scholarship. Could it be worse?

May sighed mentally, avoiding looking at her bratty sister, who beamed with happiness.

“Here’s the place,” May’s dad suddenly announced, making the girl snap out of her grim thoughts.

May looked up and gazed at the buildings ahead. If she wasn’t a rational-thinking seventeen year old girl, she’d think that she was about to spend her summer break in a haunted house. In the middle of modern architecture stood a three-story building, which looked like it would collapse any time now. The white paint was peeling off, whereas the building itself looked like it was leaning to one side, a little like the tower in Pisa. It was obvious that the place desperately needed major repairs.

“The Museum of Religion and Mythology.” May read the inscription above the door, and her heart sank.

The girl’s eyelid twitched, as she looked at her surroundings. Behind the museum building was a small house, barely visible because of the thick overgrown bushes that obscured the view. Both buildings and a small muddy courtyard were separated from the rest of Baltimore by a tall rusty fence, that reminded May of prison fortifications.

The car fell silent as the whole Lawson family stared at the terrifying sight in front of them. May felt the despair begin creeping into her mind at the prospect of spending her summer break here. She bit her lip and looked at her dad pleadingly.

“Dad, maybe you got the address wrong,” she said to her father, praying that it was just some mistake.

Richard didn’t say anything for a while, until he opened the car door and walked over to the fence. After he examined the plate with the owners’ names, he waved to the rest.

“Steven and Anne Hatchets. It’s here, I’m sure,” he said slowly, sealing May’s fate.

The girl sighed and heard Hailey begin giggling. Soon, Nancy Lawson ushered both girls out of the car, and they took May’s luggage out of the trunk.

“Well,” Nancy said, straightening her back, as she readjusted the strap of the heavy bag on May’s shoulder. “It’s time to say our goodbyes. Remember to go through all of your books, May!”

“Yeah,” May muttered, feeling more irritated than sad, when all her family members hugged her and told her to take good care of herself.

“Mom,” Hailey said, tapping her watch. “We have to be at the airport, we’ll be late for the plane!”

Nancy paled, ckecking the time.

“Gosh,” she gasped. “We’ve got to go right now.”

Before getting back into the car, May’s mom and sister waved to her again, flashing their identical, charming smiles at her. The older girl forced a smile on her face and waved back, feeling a sting of jealousy. She stood on the pavement for a while, before she turned to face the old museum. She gathered her heavy luggage, containing mostly books and gave the rusty gate a forceful push. It opened with a creepy creak, which could have scared May if it wasn’t morning and the sun wasn’t shining brightly. Sighing for what seemed like the thousandth time, the girl gripped her suitcases and began dragging them towards the museum.

May stared at the old scary-looking building, admiring the rusty - yet artistic - bars in the windows. She was so enraptured in the creepy building that she didn’t notice the elderly woman rushing to intercept her.

“You must be May!”

May started and nearly shrieked from surprise, as the cheerful voice greeted her. She spun around to face the woman, who was probably professor Hatchets’ wife. The granny had a wide smile adorning her face and looked visibly excited, as she clapped her hands. May nodded.

“I’m May Lawson.” She formally presented herself. “I…”

“May? What a lovely name! Call me Anna. You must be hungry, dear!” The elderly woman exclaimed as she clapped her hands again.

May gave her a doubtful look.

“No… not really. I just ate breakfast,” the girl uttered. The unnaturally  cheerful smile didn’t vanish from the host’s face.

“Not even cupcakes?” Anna suggested.

May strengthened her grip on the suitcases and shook her head, feeling overwhelmed by the stranger’s friendly attitude. She tensed as Mrs. Hatchets trapped her in an embrace and patted her head.

“Now let’s get these bags inside. And I bet you’ll want the cupcakes once you see them!” Anna chattered, grabbing one of the suitcases with one hand and hauling May towards the house.

Having really no choice, the girl followed Anna inside, where she was shown upstairs to her new room and left to unpack her stuff. When the door to the room closed and May was finally alone, she let out a relieved breath. She took a quick look around the small room and smiled slightly - it wasn’t anything special, but it was decent and cozy.

The girl dragged her suitcases over to the corner of the room, deciding to unpack them later. May thought that it would be good to socialize with Anna and her husband for a bit, even though she felt uncomfortable with the strangers.

“Everything’s going to be just fine, May,” she said firmly to herself, examining her reflection in a big mirror before heading downstairs.

May groaned with annoyance at seeing her horribly tangled hair, and she tried to brush the locks with her fingers. She was desperately struggling to make the tangled mess of brown locks look presentable in the shortest time possible. Her hair was only shoulder-length " any longer and it would have only compounded the issue - but it tended to have a mind of its own. She sighed, giving up on her attempts to make herself prettier.

May was an ordinary seventeen year-old schoolgirl. She had green eyes and a perfectly plain looking face -  a face that often went unnoticed. She was rather short, which contrasted with her slightly curvaceous body " though she wasn't fat, she would have killed for a better body. Unfortunately, she had been a loser in the genetic lottery. While both her mother and sister looked like models - tall, slender, beautiful blondes with piercing sky-colored eyes, May took after her dad, inheriting his perfectly average looks.

In her opinion, everything was painfully dull about her - both her looks and pretty much everything else in her life, maybe except her social life, which was nonexistant. She was just one of the many girls in the crowd; nothing was really distinctive about her, and she barely caught anyone’s attention. And still without a boyfriend, May reminded herself.

“I guess, it’s fine.” May mumbled, as she straightened her slightly wrinkled dress. Feeling a little nervous, she opened the door and dragged herself downstairs.

She reached the kitchen in the small house, which was furnished in a very traditional Finnish style - modest, but tidy. She saw her elderly hosts fervently fighting over a book. May cautiously peeked inside.

“Steven, don’t read while you’re eating! How many times do I have to tell you that!?” Feisty Anna scolded the elderly man, who probably was her husband. He refused to let go off the dusty book and insisted on reading it at the dinner table, while his wife kept fussing.

                May curiously observed the professor, whose wild gray hair made him look a little bit like Albert Einstein. The girl gasped quietly when her green eyes met professor Hatchets’, the old man’s gray eyes alight as he finally noticing her. She flushed, as though she just had been caught for doing something inappropriate. The elderly man frowned slightly.

                “Don’t stand there, child, sit with us!” he exclaimed jovially, patting the empty chair beside him.

                May, her face as red as if it were on fire walked over to the table and sat down, cursing her shyness in her mind. Fortunately, the Hatchets completely ignored her uneasiness and continued being their usual, cheerful selves. The professor shot a happy smile at the girl, while stuffing nearly whole cupcake into his mouth.

                “So, you’re Richard’s daughter.” He stated, his words barely audible through the mass of cupcake he was still chewing.

                Before May had a chance to say something, Anna hurried to inform her husband about her.

                “Her name is May,” the elderly woman quickly explained. “It’s wonderful that she’s spending the whole summer with us, isn’t it? Such a well-behaved girl, a true treasure!”

                May’s face became even redder, and she grabbed one of the cupcakes to hide her embarrassment.

                Steven smiled as he closed the book he was reading and stood up.“Anyway, good to have you here, child.” He stated. “I’d use an extra helper today. Are you feeling up to helping me cataloguing some exhibits?”

                May nodded, remembering that she was supposed to be helpful and polite. Besides, she wasn’t that eager to start studying right away. Assisting the old professor seemed like a nice distraction from the school.

 

                “Sure. You can count on me.” She said, standing up and following the professor and his wife to the museum building.

 

                Steven led her to the chilly basement, probably the creepiest place around " the electric installation looked ancient and it was a pure miracle that it was still working, the spider webs adorned every corner, a thick layer of dust covered numerous wooden boxes. The place looked disturbing, like a set for a horror movie, but fascinating at the same time.

               

May looked around, once again amazed at how much junk the old man had here. There were so many vases, strange artifacts, old scrolls and books that he was claimed were authentic or historical. They represented such variety of cultures and religions, that May was genuinely impressed. The girl spotted some Japanese shrine figures, as well as old tattered paper seals. Stuffed In the corner there were the small bronze and wooden statues of Nordic gods. On the wall hung wooden Egyptian charms, painted with golden hieroglyphics. Some of the objects were familiar, as she saw  them in her history textbooks, but most of them were odd. The old custodian had gathered  enough junk in this basement house to fill an exhibition in a museum.

 

Professor Hatchets climbed on a stool, reaching for the exhibits, that were on the higher shelves. He cleared his throat and looked at May, who was still staring at everything with a childish fascination.

 

“Okay, May, let’s get down to business.” He said firmly.

 

For the next few hours they segregated numerous items and May  made a list of the catalogued items. She almost forgot about the work, professor Hatchets began sharing his mesmerizing tales about Vikings’ and Slavs’ pagan rites. The girl loved history as well and folklore despite her rational nature. Slowly, she began feeling at ease around the professor, eager to listen to his tales of fantastic creatures, magic swords and mythical heroes. The barrier between her and the people she was supposed to spend the summer with, was crumbling faster than she had imagined and she began feeling more at ease in the custodian’s company.

 

“Uff, professor Hatchers!” May called to get the old man’s attention, as she took a heavy sword off the shelf. “This sword must be really rusty. What’s the story behind it?”

 

“It’s an important heirloom. It’s the famous sword Balmung, which belonged to the hero of the Song of the Nibelungs, Siegfried. It has been passed down through generations…”

 

“It’s fake.” May interrupted him. She had read about that legendary weapon, but she was absolutely sure it wasn’t the sword she was holding. The custodian frowned.

 

“It belonged to Siegfried.” the old man insisted. May brought the sword closer to her eyes to read the tiny writing, nearly invisible.

 

“I think you got it wrong.” May said, but the old man wasn’t ready to give up.

 

“So you say it’s worthless?”

 

May hesitated to answer, not eager to hurt the custodian’s feelings.

 

“It’s the famous sword Balmung, which belonged to the hero Siegfried.” The custodian stated stubbornly again

 

“Professor Hatchets, it says  ‘made in China’ here.” She said, pointing the tiny inscription on the scabbard . The old man let out a disappointed whine.

 

May was about to say something comforting to her new boss, but a loud noise from above interrupted her.

 

“It might be visitors.” May said. Professor Hatchers knitted his eyebrows.

 

“I’d rather suspect thieves. No visitor has set a foot in my museum for months.” He responded.

               

The custodian ran upstairs without a moment of hesitation, leaving May behind.

 

“Wait! It’s dangerous!” May called after the professor, but the man was already gone.

 

The girl bit her lower lip, wondering what to do. Gathering the bits of her courage, she grabbed the sheathed sword and followed the custodian, praying for the noise to have been caused by a cat.

 

When she caught up to the old man, she saw him staring at the front door, which was wide opened. The custodian  muttered a curse under his nose and reached into a pocket for a small statue of Buddha, checking at the same time if he had his rosary in the other pocket. The professor upstairs, before the May could stop him. She looked around and found nothing out of the ordinary though. They even looked at the doors leading to the attic, but there were closed. Everything looked untouched, as though nothing had been stolen.

 

May and the custodian went outside and looked around to see if there was any clues to what had happened. She noticed something in the bushes near the museum building " a torn string with pieces of paper attached to it. When she picked it up, the old man paled, glancing sideways nervously. She wanted to examine the paper closer, but the custodian snatched it quickly from her hands.

 

“Oh, thank you May. You’re such a good girl. I’ve been looking for this all morning. It’s a part of the exhibition, which got lost. Now let’s continue our work. We’re still not done yet.” He said in a slightly panicked voice and quickly ushered her in the direction of storage house.

 

 May followed reluctantly, a frown on her face. She could have sworn, that she heard some type of scratching sound from behind the museum’s building.

 

“Don’t pay any attention. It must be rats.” The custodian said nervously when he noticed she was looking towards the noise. May narrowed her eyes " with the drops of sweat on his forehead, professor Hatchets wasn’t very convincing. Just what was going on in this place? The old building, tons of suspicious artifacts stored in the cellar and mysterious noises were the exact components of half of horror movies. The idea make May feel a little restless.

 

A while later the girl was back in the basement segregating a pile of junk, which was the custodian’s greatest treasure. May was placing the boxes, jars and vases on the shelves, and the custodian’s wife came over to help with keeping track of the list of items being sorted. Professor Hatchets was supervising, which translated to  torturing both his wife and assistant with folklore and fantasy stories. Even May, who liked to think she had a good amount of patience, had had enough already " there was a limit to occult crap and the old man passed it a couple of hours ago.

 

“Anything else?” she whimpered. “My back is  killing me!”

 

May was sure, that both her arm and legs had fallen asleep hours ago, as she wobbled on the wooden stool, balancing so as not to drop a ceramic vase and some dust-covered mirror.

 

“Careful with that, May! This mirror has a long story…” the custodian began.

 

Both May and his spouse rolled their eyes as the old man got carried away again; “It’s a mystical mirror. It is said to have the  power to switch souls of two people if they glance into the mirror at the same time. But, it will only work if the people have the same souls. I read once during my studies, that we exist at the same time in an uncountable number of worlds. What a strange thought, that another Stephen Hatchets could be a Pharaoh in some other reality...”

 

With these words, the custodian excused himself hurriedly as the disturbing scratching noise was heard again. May frowned, thinking, that her employer was much too superstitious, to the point of being slightly lunatic. The demon and hero stories were fun to listen, but in the end they were just products of people’s imagination that’s all, nothing to be taken seriously. The girl lightly threw the mirror to the custodian’s wife and swiftly wrapped the ceramic vase. She couldn’t help noticing that the old woman was slightly pale though. She was holding the mirror as far from her as possible and avoided looking towards the mirror.

 

“Will you please pack it, Mrs. Hatchets?” May asked.

 

The elderly woman hesitated, apparently sharing some of her husband’s superstitious nature.

 

“Maybe you should do it darling, I have to track the inventory” She said shakily and tried to hand the mirror to May.

 

“Are you scared that your soul will be switched, Mrs. Hatchets?” May teased. The custodian’s wife faked a smile, tension visible all over her wrinkled face.

 

“Don’t be silly, child.” she said quickly. Actually, she was seemed to be quite afraid, which made May smile and feel a little bit disturbed at the same time.

 

“All right.” Mrs. Hatchets decided abruptly. “We’ll wrap it up together, and, May, try not to look into the mirror. One can never be too cautious.”

 

They started packing the mirror when the custodian came back into the basement.

 

“Dear,” he nearly shouted to his wife. “I think, we have a broken pipe in the kitchen.”

 

The old woman sighed heavily, sending her husband a scolding look and followed him to the house. When she was in the doorway, she turned around.

 

“May.” she said to the girl seriously. “Don’t look into it.”

 

And so May was left alone with the mystical mirror to wrap. “God, why is it pentagonal? It only makes it harder to wrap,” May complained to herself. Actually, she wanted to take a good look at it. Mrs. Hatchets seemed to be afraid of it, but she was just a superstitious old lady, who had been married to a crazed  museum custodian for half a century. It wouldn’t be abnormal to be superstitious when you almost live in a museum dedicated to occult. After all, there were lots of stories about cursed mirrors, like they could take your soul, have a demon sealed inside or other stupidities. May decided it wouldn’t hurt to take a look. Just one. Then she would wrap it up and put it away. After all, her rational mind assured her, that nothing bad could happen.

 

May flipped the mirror over and examined it. Its shape was odd; it was of a rather medium size, with a plain wooden frame and seemingly old. May took a breath and looked at her reflection. Of course, there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. The mirror showed what she expected to see - her own plain face staring back. The same green eyes, the same slightly too wide nose, which wasn’t her favorite part of her face, the same childish cheeks and the same brown hair. The same… only longer. Shocked, May looked once more.

 

There was no doubt! The May that was reflected in the mirror had long hair, much past her shoulders, though she could not say how long exactly. The girl felt something welling up in her stomach. The mirror reflected the sheer terror on her face. She tried to toss out the mirror, and scream for the Hatchets, but her voice wouldn’t come out; her body was frozen. She desperately tried to loosen her grip on the mirror’s frame, but she couldn’t move them. It was either the fear that had paralyzed her or some unknown force that didn’t want to allow her to avert her gaze from the mirror. She couldn’t do anything as her surroundings started to blur. It felt like the world was disappearing, or perhaps  she was. May had her gaze still fixed on the face in the mirror, staring in horror at the same face as her own, but somehow another’s. She observed as the reflection returned to normal, her reflection’s hair becoming shorter, like her own. The world around her was beginning to look more real and not so blurred anymore. May took a deep gasping breath, realizing that she must have been holding it, and finally managed to flex her fingers. The mirror fell on the floor. Her knees bent under, and she had to use her hands to prevent her face from meeting ground. She gasped in shock as her long hair fell like a curtain around her, and then she drifted into the unconsciousness, limply falling to the floor.

 

 

 

Elsewhere

 

 

“Princess.” a maidservant called.

 

“You may come in.” said a quiet, demure voice. The maidservant opened the door and came in, bowing deeply.

 

Inside sat a young noblewoman, the princess of the respectable Thoen family, Maewyn. She looked as if she was deep in thought. Her long brown hair, now undone, fall softly, around her reaching to the floor as she sat on a cushion. Her green eyes had a slightly melancholic look in them. The Princess was adorned with a multi-layered dress made of the finest silk looking every inch of her status. She looked at a maidservant, who was still bowing in front of her. The Princess smiled gently and told the woman in her sweet voice to face her.

 

“What brings you here, Astrid?” Meawyn asked. The young servant gasped as she heard her name being remembered by the princess.. The woman held out a package. Lady Meawyn glanced at it curiously.

 

“What would that be?” she asked.

 

“My Lady,”  the woman called Astrid answered. “It was sent by lord Abrran to Lady Maewyn as a gift to commemorate the engagement.”

 

A blush begun to show on Lady Maewyn’s face as she cautiously took the package that was handed over to her. Lord Abrran was the man she was going to marry in a matter of weeks. The man to whom she would pledge loyalty and love to since infancy . The man who will become the father of her children. Her destiny, her everything. She couldn’t wait to be married to him. That was the purpose of her life " to become the wife of such a powerful man, and she would more than gladly accept it.

 

Maewyn held the package closest to her heart, wondering what the gift her beloved Lord had sent her. Her heart was beating faster as the maidservant took her leave. Once the servants were dismissed for the night, she stood up and sat on the edge of the large bed, anticipating to see the gift.

 

The princess began to unwrap the package. Inside was a plain-looking mirror. Maewyn was a little bit disappointed but told herself that the gift was given from the bottom of the heart, so it shouldn’t be judged. She held the mirror in front of her face, glancing at her own reflection. Suddenly, the princess stiffened. It was not her reflection. From the mirror, another person was looking at her. She had her face, but she was not here. The other one had noticeably shorter hair, like some village girl, not the knee-length princess’s tresses, and she didn’t have the royal air about her, like Maewyn.

 

“Lord Abrran,” the princess thought, horrified, “Why would you send me a demon sealed in a mirror? Why?”

 

That was Maewyn’s last thought before she slipped into unconsciousness.

 

 

Author's Note

First of all, I'd like to thank all the reviewers. This is a newer version, corrected according to the tips some of you gave me. Please share your opinion about the chapter with me, even if it's a one sentence.

Isn't the chapter too long?

Reviews

[Writer #00]

"When she caught up to the old man, she saw him staring at the front door, which was wide opened. The custodian muttered a curse under his nose and reached into a pocket for a small statue of Buddha, checking at the same time if he had his rosary in the other pocket. The professor upstairs, before the May could stop him. She looked around and found nothing out of the ordinary though. They even looked at the doors leading to the attic, but there were closed. Everything looked untouched, as though nothing had been stolen."---> Perhaps consider: "When she caught up to the old man, she saw him staring at the wide-open front door. The custodian muttered a curse under his nose and reached into one of his pockets for a small statue of Buddha, checking at the same time to see if he had his rosary in the other pocket. The professor [verbed…maybe hurried?] upstairs, before May/the girl could stop him. She looked around and found nothing out of the ordinary though. They even looked at the doors leading to the attic, but they were closed, as well. Everything looked untouched, as though nothing had been stolen."

"May and the custodian went outside and looked around to see if there was any clues to what had happened."-->were any clues

"“Oh, thank you May. You’re such a good girl. I’ve been looking for this all morning. It’s a part of the exhibition, which got lost. Now let’s continue our work. We’re still not done yet.” He said in a slightly panicked voice and quickly ushered her in the direction of storage house."-->"“Oh, thank you May. You’re such a good girl. I’ve been looking for this all morning. It’s a part of the exhibition. Now let’s continue our work. We’re still not done yet.” He said in a slightly panicked voice and quickly ushered her in the direction of the storage house." It is redundant to have the old man say that the item had been lost as that was already established when he said he was looking for it all morning, but maybe it's a character trait you're trying to establish...it does add to his apparent age.

"“Don’t be silly, child.” she said quickly. Actually, she was seemed to be quite afraid, which made May smile and feel a little bit disturbed at the same time."-->"“Don’t be silly, child.” she said quickly, though she actually seemed to be quite afraid. May smiled, feeling a little bit disturbed at the same time."...something about splitting the thought about Mrs. Hatchet's fright in that way seemed awkward to me, but that may (haha, May) just be me.

"And so May was left alone with the mystical mirror to wrap. “God, why is it pentagonal? It only makes it harder to wrap,” May complained to herself. Actually, she wanted to take a good look at it. Mrs. Hatchets seemed to be afraid of it, but she was just a superstitious old lady, who had been married to a crazed museum custodian for half a century. It wouldn’t be abnormal to be superstitious when you almost live in a museum dedicated to occult. After all, there were lots of stories about cursed mirrors, like they could take your soul, have a demon sealed inside or other stupidities. May decided it wouldn’t hurt to take a look. Just one. Then she would wrap it up and put it away. After all, her rational mind assured her, that nothing bad could happen."-->"And so, May was left alone with the mystical mirror. “God, why is it pentagonal? It only makes it harder to wrap,” May complained to herself. Contrary to Mrs. Hatchet’s advice, she actually wanted to take a good look at it. Mrs. Hatchets seemed to be afraid of it, but she was just a superstitious old lady who had been married to a crazed museum custodian for half a century. It wouldn’t be abnormal to be superstitious when you practically lived in a museum dedicated to the occult. After all, there were lots of stories about cursed mirrors, like how they could take your soul, have a demon sealed inside, or other stupidities. May decided it wouldn’t hurt to take a look. Just one. Then she would wrap it up and put it away. After all, her rational mind assured her that nothing bad could happen."

"and then she drifted into the unconsciousness..."--> drifted into unconsciousness

"Her long brown hair, now undone, fall"--> fell

"'My Lady,' the woman called Astrid answered. "It was sent..."-->comma after answered

"The man to whom she would pledge loyalty and love to since infancy . "-->The man to whom she had pledged loyalty and love [to] since infancy.

"'Why would you send me a demon sealed in a mirror? Why?"--> Perhaps to add more emotion to Maewyn's last thought (ha, I just got your name choices May, Maewyn, clever) you could punctuate the end like this: "..sealed in a mirror?--Why?!" or .."Why!?" (By the way, WC has this weird habit of turning dashes into quotation marks. To avoid this, make sure your dashes are two hyphens, like this : --...it did this to me, too, and I didn't figure it out until later : ) )

Sorry for being so nit-picky, but I really liked it and wanted to point out any errors that might have interrupted the flow of the narration (which was quite enjoyable as it seemed much like the one in a fairytale yet also was sprinkled with tid bits of a teenage girl's thoughts...it was as if the narration fit both May and Maewyns' worlds, so well done in that respect : ) ). The beginning of the chapter was fantastic, really pulling me into the chapter (I saw some errors, but they weren't major and I just wanted to keep reading (it's that intriguing) so I didn't remind myself where they were (can't find them now)) and the character of May along with her family and the situation. You set up the amazing twist/plot-starter at the end of this chapter masterfully, making sure the reader got comfortable with strange things happening (i.e. Mrs. hatchet's kindness, the 'thieves', the sword of Siegfried) that didn't pan out to much, and then you hit them with this surprise (though the title made it a bit--just a BIT--less of a surprise). Great twist and good start, you've got a lovely imagination and great writing!

[Gosia]

Thank you very much for the wonderful review. It's great that you pointed out the sentences with mistakes. English is not my native language, but I'd want this story to be as correct as possible. Thanks for helping with that.
I'm glad you liked the chapter, I hope you read the next one as well ;-)

[Writer #00]

No problem. I sort of thought English may not have been your first language, but the mistakes you were making seemed like ones even native English speakers made, so I wasn't really sure. Now I'm even more impressed by your great writing (I can't say I could write this well in any other language...maybe not even English, haha). I plan to read the second, but I might forget (and I have some other peoples' stories I still have to read), so send me a read request please ^^;

[annie lee]

I have read this before and now, after changes. I think it is a good story, and I am off to read the next chapter.

[Christopher Angel]

Okay, let me get the edits out of the way first;

May sighed mentally, avoiding looking at her bratty sister, who beamed with happiness. - I'm not sure how someone would sigh mentally as opposed to internally.

“May? What a lovely name! Call me Anna. You must be hungry, dear!” The elderly woman exclaimed as she clapped her hands again. - I find this a little strange because two lines ago, Anna had called out her name and in this paragraph she seemed surprised by the name. It's not a huge problem but it took me out of the narrative a little.

May groaned with annoyance at seeing her horribly tangled hair, and she tried to brush the locks with her fingers. She was desperately struggling to make the tangled mess of brown locks look presentable in the shortest time possible. Her hair was only shoulder-length " any longer and it would have only compounded the issue - but it tended to have a mind of its own. She sighed, giving up on her attempts to make herself prettier.
May was an ordinary seventeen year-old schoolgirl. She had green eyes and a perfectly plain looking face - a face that often went unnoticed. She was rather short, which contrasted with her slightly curvaceous body " though she wasn't fat, she would have killed for a better body. Unfortunately, she had been a loser in the genetic lottery. While both her mother and sister looked like models - tall, slender, beautiful blondes with piercing sky-colored eyes, May took after her dad, inheriting his perfectly average looks. - The first part was fine, the description felt natural when she was looking at the mirror. The second part though felt like it was shoved in there because you forgot to add a physical description. Perhaps it's my own preference for such descriptions to happen at the beginning but it did jolt me out of the story a little.

Even May, who liked to think she had a good amount of patience, had had enough already " there was a limit to occult crap and the old man passed it a couple of hours ago. - the " seems like a mistake to me.

The man to whom she would pledge loyalty and love to since infancy - She cannot have known to pledge loyalty and love to since infancy unless there was a plot piece I'm not privy to. Perhaps if you wrote it that she was pledged to him since infancy it'd be better.

These were the biggest most glaring issues I've encountered which is saying much because the narrative itself was woven so tightly and well that these issues just stood out like sore thumbs.

The story itself was fine although it started out slow and a little cliche' to me. The other family members were ineffectual and seemed quite typical. Even the characterization of May seemed typical in the beginning but I was happy to follow along because it is a character I relate to intimately. Your story really picks up when she meets the Hatchets and it loses its methodical and slow pacing for a much swifter and straight to the point narrative which I appreciated greatly because I could not stop. I was guessing everything and particularly loved the scene with the sword. That was genuinely funny and it made May an immediate favorite in my mind. At this point, she's won me over and it remains to be seen how she fares in later chapters.

But if the ending is any indication, I imagine a world of hurt and confusion to follow and I'm quite excited for the next chapter.

The length wasn't so bad once the story picked up. As I said, the first quarter was slow. Gradually I got to the point where I didn't want to see the end so that's a thumbs up in your direction.

I'll get to reading and reviewing the next chapter later when I'm home tonight as it's hard to read and review at work but so far, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

[Gosia]

Thanks for pointing those inconsistencies for me - I've edited this chapter so many times that I no longer see them. Ugh, I'll have to do more editing...

Damn, and I wanted to cut the scene with the sword out. Now I can't do it. Thanks for the review, it was very constructive and gave me ideas which parts I need to fix.

[Christopher Angel]

Yeah, trust me when I say I know how difficult it is to edit your own work. I've looked at mine so many times too that I just can't find anything wrong or worse, I fix things that didn't need fixing.

Why did you want to cut it out? It served no purpose to the overall plot but was a nice little distraction that eased the tension while developing the characters a bit more.

[Gosia]

I got people complaining about how the chapter was long and they wanted to get to the action right away. If I cut all of the redundant scenes out, the pace would be quicker, but character and romance deleopment would suffer, not to mention my favorite funny parts. So, I have quite a dilemma with those meaningless scenes.

[Christopher Angel]

I disagree. The beginning was slow and a tad bit boring but that is because of the nature of the story and how it had to start. Unless you intended to start with the fantasy character it would not make a difference and that would actively kill the plot twist. Right now, it's a decent length and as I've said, the moment it started getting good was when she was in the Hatchets' residence. There will always be filler and mundane moments in a story - they're actually useful real estate for key character developments.

[Gosia]

I was actually wondering if I shouldn't start the book with fantasy character, but I came to the conclusion that it would be too confusing: writing a scene set in a fantasy world, then the only scene on Earth and then back to the plot. I guess that featuring a cruel villain first could be more attention-grabbing, but... decided on this instead.
Now, stop procrastinating (I know you're doing it) and get to my awfully long chapter 2 ;-)

[Christopher Angel]

I'm not procrastinating! I'm still at work haha. I'm in a different time zone and replying to messages is easier than reading and reviewing an entire chapter :P I'll get to it tonight, after I've thoroughly destroyed my shoulders at the gym and we can continue. Honestly, I'm quite excited to read the next chapter and I think the delay is really making me more anxious for it :)

[Gosia]

That's what I call procrastinating ;-) I'm at work too, busy as hell as you could have noticed. Have a nice day!

[Christopher Angel]

lol fair enough ;) You're at work? Hmm maybe we're at the same time zone. FYI, I work as a writer too so *brain explodes* Speak to you later! I'm about to leave for the day!

[JR Darewood]

First off, I really enjoy the way you write May's mother, as a thoroughly unlikeable, awful human being. I love it.

Your dialogue is smooth, the chapter flows wonderfully and-- damn, they just left their daughter off with her bags w/o even making sure she got in? WTF, that's kind of intense-- and it was a pleasure to both get to know your characters and discover the events you have set up for them. haha, and I had to laugh at the Princess's last thoughts. You have a very self-effacing protagonist, i like it.

If I were going to change anything, I would add a sentence in the first paragraph that let me know that May wasn't thrilled to be going on a trip, adding emotion and anticipation to discovering in subsequent paragraphs what the trip is all about.

I have mixed feelings about the positioning of the final princess POV. I like what you wrote-- It was surprizing, but I almost wanted to be surprised with that in a different chapter devoted entirely to the princess, but I'm not sure... it worked well as it is and maybe that's all you needed. It might be best where it is, but I'm just thinking out loud.

[JR Darewood]

PS-- Re: length, it depends on your goal for the book. For online writing, it is a bit long, but as a print book chapter I think the length is fine.

[Gosia]

It's great to see you reviewing. Thanks for the suggestions and I'm glad that my character is likeable so far. About the princess's POV, it's the only place that fits as it's her first and only appearance. Yeah, my book won't be like describing May's adventures in foreign world and the princess's counterpart in ours, actually there will be a funny twist about the princess's future.

Anyway, thanks. Perhaps you'll find time in the future to read the next chapter (fu,fu, I'm pushing it)?

[JR Darewood]

yeah, my goal is to hit the whole thing. It's an enjoyable read.

[Dreamer]

Sorry I didn't review this sooner! I didn't have access to computer long enough this weekend to sit down, read, and review >.<

ok grumbling over

Very very interesting! I love the characters so far, the custodian kind of reminds me of Ducky from NCIS with his constant stories, May seems like a very down to earth kind of gal and I'm anxious to see how she's going to react when she wakes up ^_^
bad points: Writer #00 seemed to point out all the grammatical errors which after reading your response is understandable :) the only other thing was the amount of commas, a lot of the sentences seemed jerky because of the comma in the middle of it. like: " She held the mirror in front of her face, glancing at her own reflection. Suddenly, the princess stiffened."
i don't believe you need a comma between face and glancing. nor between suddenly and the.
but other than that truly awesome, can't wait to read the rest!

[Gosia]

Thanks. You have a couple of new chapters to read ;-)

[Katiya K]

The first thing I noticed when reading this chapter was that it was filled with lots of detail and character development which is a really good thing to establish since it is the first chapter. So good job! You presented the reader with lots of information yet left it so the reader would want to continue the story. I especially liked the idea of this magic mirror able to combine and/or transport a soul into another world. Very fantasy-esque! But I was wondering why you chose to make the mirror so plain looking if it was meant as a marriage gift and had such magical abilities...I wonder if there is a hidden meaning in this?

The second thing was that there were a some awkward sentences, unfinished sentences, and really long sentences. For example, (I'm sorry if I am just repeating what others reviewed) 1. "Sighing for the god knows which time" -> sighing for god knows how many times that day?

2. "while his wife gripped kept fussing." -> I wasn't sure if Mrs. Hatchets was gripping his book or griping at him but it would be strange if she fussed and griped at him because it would be repetitious.

3. " I’d use an extra helper today" -> I'd as in I would? it is past tense it should be "could"

4. "The professor upstairs, before the May could stop him" -> the professor what upstairs? he ran, disappeared, walked? Don't worry you were probably typing to fast and missed a word :p

And lastly 5. "which translated to mean  torturing both his wife" -> you have to be careful of sentences like this..translated already "means" that you are describing something to make it more clear. Yet when you use both translating and mean in a sentence like that it sounds as if, the professor was torturing his wife meanly. Do you see what I mean?

Also with all the amount of detail in your first chapter and the long sentences I got a little lost in what you was happening (the action)..for example, was there really a burglary? What were the noises? That part was a little hazy for me and I was confused at how quickly all the characters ignored the event or didn't clarify if it was a burglary.

Another thing I was curious about was why there was such a rush in having May's family dump her to the Hatchets. Even though May's father and the professor were friends, he didn't bother coming in to say hello or thank the professor for keeping the daughter..

Although there were a lot of gaps and questions left in this chapter, I understand that it was just a first chapter and I hope that you will take my nit picky review as me not trying to bash your chapter but only to help! I can see the potential in you as a writer because you laid down a foundation and established your setting and characters. So please keep up the good writing and never get discouraged if someone says something mean.

[Gosia]

Thanks for the grammar tips, I really need them as English is not my native language. Now I can correct the chapter.

I'll try to clarify the burglary-thing. And no, there wasn't any, there were only strange disturbing noises in the haunted house ;-)

About the rush, I wanted to get the family out of sight as fast as possible, but I guess you're right that it's strange May's dad didn't even say hello to his friend. I should write that they were almost late for their flight or something...

I loved your review, it was very constructive and gave me ideas how to improve the chapter and fill the plot holes.

[Katiya K]

You're welcome! I hope you didn't think I was totally berating your story though because its really good! Glad I could help.

[Gosia]

You did help. I didn't view your tips as berating anyway, more like helpfully pointing out the weak spots for me to correct. Thanks!

[Samuel Jack]

I enjoyed this, it started well and got in to a good rhythm. I like Mays character and Her double (opposite) maewyn. The cliff hanger at the end leaves me wanting more!

i do feel the introduction to the proffessor and Anna could have gone on a little longer, just a little more conversation at the diner table with the cup cakes. but i suppose it fits the story that May hardly has time to put her bag down and is swept off in to the story.

There are quite a few grammer mistakes that need a bit of cleaning up, nothin that deratcs from the story just the reading experience. Things like "the breakfast" and "the May" only small things but they knock the reader out of the narrative.

But as I understand it english is not your first language so well done! Rozumiem!

Dobry work my friend. (prosze, excuse my ZIY Polish, it is a very Trudny language)

Dosabachenia, 2nd chapter review incoming!

[Gosia]

Thanks for the wonderful review! And the... interesting display in my native language, it was really nice and made me smile!

As for the rushed introductions of some minor characters, I didn't want to bore readers with desribing the characters who'll vanish forever before the first chapter ends, there will be much more people worth introducing later on.

I know my grammar is not the best, but by posting my chapters here I can perfect it with the help of some reviewers. See you reviewing the 2nd chapter, I'll try to take a look at your work in my spare time as well.
Bye!

[Arutha]

"...as the woman addressed May’s sister sitting in the back." I know from context that May's sister is the one sitting in the back, but the wording makes it really unclear who is actually sitting back there. Also, is "the mother" May's mother? If so, call her "her mother" instead of "the mother," and also instead of "the woman." It's important that your pronoun selections reflect the way your MC perceives the subject, and/or something that is important to your reader. So if she's a fat slob, you could refer to her as "the fat slob," but only if May sees her that way.

"May yawned, opened her eyes and stole a glance..." Here you have a list, which works, but I would recommend wording it differently: "May yawned, opening her eyes to steal a glance at..." or "... as she stole a glance at..." This makes it feel more like actions and less like a list of things, if that makes any sense at all. Using "ing" words, "as," "while," etc. are little tricks to keep your writing from sounding too monotone.

In fact, you did just that in the very next sentence, "... showing her impatience..." though I would recommend "as she forced a smile..." Anyway, you get my point, lol.

"... in the front sits huffed..." Hm, "seats," maybe?

"...she spotted the only person, she hadn’t instructed yet..." Don't need that comma.

"...plastered across the Hailey’s face." So (and this goes along with any place you say "the mother" as well), in English we don't use "the" like they do in some other latin languages (such as Spanish for example). You don't ever say "the" before a personal noun, and there are certain instances where it is also incorrect to use it in front of a pronoun, though it's hard to articulate when you should and should not. "The mother" is awkward wording, while "The driver" is not... ugh, that's confusing as heck, isn't it? I wish I could explain it better, but hopefully that helps somewhat.

Okay, here's what I want to do. I'm going to finish reading this and let you know what I think of the story (plot, characters, and all of that), but I would really like it if you would either make an account on scribophile and post this so I can use their "in-line editor" to really get into the grammar, or private message me your e-mail address so I can create a MS Word review of this for you.

So, after May gets to the museum and her parents drop her off, you give us this paragraph where you describe May in detail. I would recommend taking this out and spreading the description of her throughout the book. This just feels kind of contrived, like it was spliced into the middle of the chapter to fill a need, instead of to flow with the story if that makes sense.

Lol I like the dynamic between Anna and her husband; it reminds me of my grandparents! Definitely good for a chuckle.

I love how this reads like a mystery, and yet it has that fantasy allure at the same time. I'm really curious to know who (or what) opened the door and what the heck it was that Mr. Hatchets was hiding. I wasn't sure about the sword thing, though. I mean, is he not a really knowledgeable guy when it comes to such artifacts? Would he have really missed the "Made in China" thing?

Lol, so I was reading the part where she looks into the mirror and it was just a normal mirror, right? So I wasn't really putting that much thought into it until she realized her hair was longer than it shoudl have been, and it actually gave me chills. You did a great job of just sort of dropping that on my unexpectedly. It really added to the drama of it!

That's a really neat idea, by the way. It makes me think of that Jet Li movie "The One," where everyone has other versions of themselves in different universes... really cool idea! I think readers are going to be super interested in this (plus the names in the fantasy portion of the prologue are AWESOME! I'm totally jealous.)