Nightmares morph into reality

It's finally happened. I've smashed into the concrete. I can feel my broken bones piercing through my flesh in an attempt to escape my body because they can't even be a part of me anymore. They want out just like I want out of my body right now. The rocky concrete paving is digging into my flesh. I'm writhing in pain , on the inside. I feel like my body is being burned. I was torched alive. The cheering and the laughter , I can hear it. The cursing , I hear it. The pain is so much that I can't shed a tear.

I feel like ten thousand needles are pricking through my body. My bones are also being crushed. The pain is unbearable as I feel tears gathering in my eyes.

I stare at the walls in the school hallway. Posters made in a hurry. In squiggly girly writing.

Valerie you're nothing
You suck Valerie

Every phrase or word that denotes a person and strips them of their dignity , used in the same sentence as my name. I'm assuming they're sentences because whoever wrote these doesn't care much for punctuation or grammar. But that doesn't matter right now because these words are pricking into my heart and slowly sucking the oxygen out of me. I can't breathe. My throat feels like it's collapsing. I'm gasping for air.

I'm not dreaming. No. This is reality. I know this because Jenna's walking towards me with a smile on her face. An evil one at that.

Earth ,open up and swallow me whole , now.

"Valerie", she says in a mocking tone. "No one likes you, dear. "

I keep quiet , trying to block out her out ,because if I try to let out so much as a squeak I might ruin everything and cry in front of them. I don't want to. They've done enough.

I can't let this girl get what she wants. I don't know who did this. I have no clue but I'm sure she's somehow connected to this. .

"Oh , the time , Cruella", I reply , " and the effort ...I must get to class". I smile.

Jakes behind me. He catches up.

"I'm so sorry. Jenna is just freaking annoying and cruel. I'm sorry for --"

I put my finger on his mouth telling him to shhhh.

"It's okay. " I say while turning away to get to my first class of the day.

My life has been a whirl of torment and I've been trying to bear the pain stoically. Never in my life have I felt so empty. I don't feel even a tad of pain or humiliation. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I can't cry ,rage out with anger or anything. I feel like I'm in a dark room with no windows to let in the light outside. I'm just floating in a space ,not even floating backwards or forwards. I'm just there. In space. Hovering.

Whoever wrote that knew that the words would tear all the wounds that were slowly healing. They sufficed. They never knew that I hurt them as much as I did myself. Right now I can feel months of guilt ,pain and sadness streaming down my cheeks and plopping onto my textbook.

I look down and Jake's right next to me.

"Don't worry , Val. We'll do something about this. God ! It's just so unfair how these girls treat other girls"

"No ,it's fair , Jake. It's what I deserve. I was once that girl ..."

"No , Val. That's in the past. Just because, I quote, you were once that girl , doesn't mean that you should be treated like that. I know you're a good person, Valerie and you don't deserve that. No good person deserves that. "

He leans in to give me a hug. I can't stop crying and making his school shirt wet. It feels good to have someone make you feel better when you've just experienced something as traumatic as this.

"And one thing : you also need to forgive yourself , Valerie. Rolling in the dirt of your past won't make things better. You need to get up and dust off the past. It's the only way you're going to stop other people from hurting you. "

In concordant with his statement , I really did need to forgive myself. I have been trying to make amends for the past by not letting it go but by nursing it and letting it have me.

"But I can't Jake ..I don't know "

"No , you do know. "

This is neither the time nor the place

__________________________

I'm in my bed wailing, lying in foetal position because I feel better that way. My cries and screams so childlike and yet carrying pain and misery on another wavelength.

It's like rain, the crying and pain. The clouds gather up so much water and dust and everything then suddenly it all comes down. Unable to carry the weight it starts raining.

I've been carrying this for so long that it's finally got to me. I feel like this whole thing is insurmountable and impossible to evade.

What goes around comes around.

I had been waiting for my moment. I know that it was coming and I thought I would be prepared but never had I imagined that it would be this ...I don't even have words for it. I guess everything you put in in life is bound to catch up with you ...and it does when you least expect it.

I can deal with this.

Author's Note

Views , opinions and tips on writing are appreciated :)