Discoveries

After 2 hours of torture ( doing homework ) I decide to go onto my computer and check my emails or something. I discover that I don't have any emails except spam. I delete everything either way. I check my facebook and see that I have a friend request from Alex from Biology class. I accept and scroll through his profile.

Apparently he writes poetry and likes photography. I don't know much about Alex except that he's in my biology class and that his surname is Miller.
He's a cool guy.

Ever since the whole realisation I've tried to minimise the amount of people I socialise with. This sounds a lot like alienating myself. Maybe it is. It's for the greater good anyway.

Jake hasn't called yet and it's 9:15 so I guess he's probably sleeping. My mom isn't here either.

I start to feel lonely because I don't have any friends. Now I'm probably going to start building onto my earlier thoughts about alienating myself from people.

I don't think it's a bad thing. The more people I can stay away from the less people I can hurt. Easy. I'm not planning to hurt anyone. It's just a fool proof strategy in case I screw up. But I won't but just in case.

I'm doubting myself too.

I don't want to start crying but I can already feel my traitor tears streaming down my cheeks like happy children going down a slide. The thing is these tears aren't tears of happiness. These b******s which are so happy to roll down my cheeks are actually sad.

Thing is I'm hurting everyday and no one knows that because it would be selfish of me to show that to the world and because I don't want them to worry about me. I've already had my chance of selfishness and I should be there for people like Jake who really are going through a tough time.

I quietly sob and wallow in my pity before I hear the door open. It's my mom. I never hear her come into the house.

She comes closer to me wearing a worried expression. She sees the red and puffiness of my eyes. She just leans in to give me a hug. I lean in too. I need this hug. I need her love and her care and everything a mother offers right now. I wish I could take it in now ...all of it but part of me is telling me that I don't deserve all of this.

"I love you ", she whispers into my ear.

Barely managing to whisper without a crack in my voice ," I love you too , mom. "

She asks me if I want to talk to her about it and I tell her that I'll be fine and she doesn't need to worry. Lies but I can't let her worry. I won't. So she thanks me for dinner and goes to the kitchen. I follow shortly.

After eating dinner we sit and watch TV. A few comedy shows and a drama series. We always do this. It's just part of how it's been since forever. It's only the shows that change. Even the days when I was being mean to her I would always still sit next to her while polishing my nails or texting Sky. This routine is one of the things that I like that haven't changed. One of the things that is still intact and not tainted or broken by past bad choices.

After TV we sleep.


At 02:00 Jake calls me. At first I ignore it. It rings and rings and rings and --

"What the hell ?" , I barely manage to answer because I'm still asleep and who the hell calls at two-freaking-a-m.

"I just wanted to thank you for the album you bought me and taking me out and stuff. I appreciate you being there for me. It's what I really need right now"

"Jake , you know that I love you and you're my friend but it's two in the morning and you should be asleep --I should be asleep but it's a pleasure even though --"

"Yeah , okay , okay ", he laughs ," sleep. Goodnight " , and he hangs up.

I'm finally left to sleep and I have no problem slipping away into my dreams.


Sometimes I have the most painful dreams ever. Dreams that bore into my soul and have me waking up like I was someone dropped an anvil on me while I was sleeping . I dream of losing everyone I have in my life. My mom and Jake. People who actually talk to me but don't necessarily have to like me.

I dream of being in a dark place , alone and then suddenly falling at a violent speed and finally hitting the ground hard where, at the bottom, everyone waits for me. They wait for me to hit the ground. My body crashes into the hard concrete pavement and they all stare. Friends , family and foes. Then they start laughing and cheering. They huddle around me and curse me. Then the Earth opens and it's the end of me.

I wake up crying, again. Like I said; I wake up with so much pain like someone had dropped an anvil on my head. This dream seems too real. So real that it might happen. I can't tell anyone.

But everyone still hates me.

At school Jake is waiting for me at the usual spot by the bench under the willow tree. Today he's not reading. He's not reading but sitting with a girl. Curly hair. As I walk closer I don't recognise who she is. I get closer. Oh. It's my former friend , Lacey.

"Hey" , I wave at Jake awkwardly.

"Hey" , he waves back , smiling. "Lacey thought she'd hang out with us. Nice , right ?", he looks back at her.

"Hey , Lacey. ", I manage to fake a smile. I really do not need this. Lacey's one of the friends who still haven't forgiven me. I hurt her so bad. I spread rumours about her and her family. Spilled secrets about her and her family. Lacey forgive me ? Impossible.

I sit down anyway and wait for them to include me into their conversation but they don't. So I sit there not even bothering because the whole situation is awkward anyway. How could Jake do this to me ? He knows that I've lost all my friends except him.

My tears again. So I quickly run to the girls'.


In maths Jake and I sit together. We don't talk for the whole period because I'm still waiting for him to say something. He says nothing so I say nothing. He's being nonchalant and it's annoying me. Me. Me. It's not about me anymore. Stop being selfish.

I cough. He doesn't look at me. I roll my eyes.

"So .."

He looks at me. "So ..." And he looks at his textbook not continuing his sentence.

I try to think of something to say. Summing up all my thoughts in a succinct sentence is going to be a challenge right now because I--

"You were saying ?" , he pokes me with a pencil.

"Ow !
Why aren't you talking to me ?"

"I'm sorry. ", he looks down.

"Don't do that again. Please ? "

"Sure. " , smiles. "Do you want to hang out with me and Lace after school ?"

"Nope. I think I'll just go home straight today. Had too much excitement yesterday to get me through the whole week. Plus I have the biology test to study for. "

"Sure , Val. "


Alex pokes me with a pencil too. He's sitting right behind me. I look over my shoulder to see him and he passes me a note. I take it from him. It has my name written on it. So much for discretion. I look over at him and he's looking away talking to Abby ( one of my ex-friends ). I open it.

Friends take each other out. Want to hang out after school ? ;)

I slump into my chair and take a deep breath. So much for trying to keep people out of my life for the greater good. I wanted to say yes but Jake. I told him I couldn't hang out with him. He might feel betrayed. So I reply by writing on the note

No, thank you. I have other engagements. :)

I tried to be as polite as possible by adding the smiley. I turn back to hand it over to him and he motions his hand in a gesture that implies that he's rejecting the note. I frown and just tell him that I can't. He smiles and tells me that we can talk about it after class.

Some ego he has but anyway , I don't care about that. Maybe I should but I don't want to.


"You never hang out with anyone but Jake ", he leans over and whispers into my ear.

"Because he's my friend ", I reply calmly and politely.

"Yeah but that's not healthy. You need to make friends" , he pauses , " I'll wait for you by the gate after school. Don't chicken out ", and he just walks away.

Maybe I should get out but I still don't want to. Alex is basically forcing himself into my life. Little does he know that I'm like a raging wildfire destroying anything and everything that comes onto my path. Even if I don't mean to. I'm probably going to screw up any moment now. With him.

I don't want more people in my life because I'm trying to minimise the number of casualties.


After school Alex is waiting for me by the school's front gate. He's leaning on it. He has his earphones in and looks like he's listening to death metal because he's pumping his fists , has this wide smile on his face and bobbing his head. I laugh because it's a weird sight.

The plan was to get out class early and pass without him noticing me but he's already there so I take a deep breath and walk over to him. I stand behind him and call out his name. He doesn't respond or look over.

"Hey? " , he doesn't look at me.

"Hey !
"Alex ?! " , so I finally take out his ear phones out of his ear and stand in front of him.

"Hey , Valerie. You didn't chicken out ! " , he laughs ,"a bit disappointed that I can't rub it in tomorrow but glad you showed. "

"You listen to death metal ?"

"No. I'm listening to some Mozart "

"Then how the hell are you bobbing your head and pumping your fist like you're at some death metal rage ? "

"This is intense stuff. ", he laughs again.

I laugh too. And we end up laughing for about 5 minutes. At nothing. Weird.

"Okay. So where are we going ? ", I ask.

"The driver's picking us up today. We'll go to my house ...and get my car then head out somewhere ...I'm not telling "

The words go to my house almost gave me a heart attack. Until they were followed by and get my car I was ten-to-a-heart-attack.

"You do know that we're technically still acquaintances, right ? So , you're kidnapping me ? To do what ? Trap me in your basement and never let me out ? "

"It's not kidnapping if the kid comes willingly "

"I'm just trying to be polite ", I smile.

"Sure. You are. "

A matte black Mercedes G63 pulls up. I don't know much about cars but this car I know because it's the car Jake's father had. When his dad got the car Jake couldn't stop talking about it for months. Then his dad sold it and bought another car and Jake was devastated. He literally cried about it.

"Here's our ride. " , Alex says leading me to the car and opening the door for me. His driver does not get out. He has a driver.

"You've ever been to Northington Estate ?" , he asks.

"No" , I reply without looking at him. I'm lying.

"Then you should visit me more often " , I can see his smile in my peripheral.

"Invitation declined" , I smile too still without looking at him.

Finally we get there. It's really far from school.

We get out of the car and I wait outside front of their castle-like house. He pulls up in front of me in a yellow sports convertible. This is too much for me. All this pretentiousness and showing off. I just can't be in this situation right now.

"Take me home , please ", I ask in a flat voice.

He reacts duly but then just agrees and drives me home. He tells me that I chickened out like he expected.

"You should really learn stop holding yourself back ", he says.

"Meaning ?", I ask.

"I'm just saying loosen up "

"You don't know what you're talking about "

He parks in front of our gate and I get out without so much as a goodbye and walk to our front our yard. He hooters and I don't look back. I can hear the car pulling away and swooshing down the street.

Whatever. I don't need to loosen up. I need to get my life on track. And anyway , he's not an expert on how people need to change their lives. He's driving a freaking sports car that costs millions at 17 without a license.

I'm exhausted so I just walk to my bedroom and crash.

Author's Note

Views ,opinions and tips on writing are appreciated :)