Horrible Beginnings

The start of the end of the end of her world ?

I lie in bed at 2 AM restless and wide awake though exhausted from my morbid obsession with reading at least three books per day. Today I read a book on poems, The Great Gatsby and Paper Towns.

I lie in bed deep in thought ,trying to decipher the meaning of things beyond the human psyche.

I've also been thinking about my life and where I'm going. Am I just stagnant on the board of life or moving like I'm supposed to? My head hurts. I think too much about my past, my present and my future. Haunted by the ghosts of the beginning of my high school years.

Due to my inability to fall asleep at normal times like other people I pick up a book to read and plummet myself into a world where these ghosts do not exist. I pick up my my notebook instead --where I've copied down most poems by Tennyson.

It's been a while since I've read anything by Tennyson. Tennyson makes me think harder , he makes me want to understand what he's talking about even though I do not understand poetry that much. At least thinking about poetry is better than thinking about the pain I've caused others. I haven't forgiven myself and others haven't as well , not yet.

The light in my room is still on. I stare into it until I can stare no more. Suddenly I hear the creek of the door. Someone's behind it and opening it -- my mom.

"Hey!" , she calls out ,pursed lips and a frown on her face ,"why're you still up ? I was on my way to the kitchen to get water and I saw that your light was on. Are you okay ?"

She's concerned. She always is. My mom knows how hard it has been for me for the last few of months. She's been trying to make it easier and I've purportedly been trying to not let her efforts go to waste.

"I'm okay, mom. I'm just catching up on some late night reading. "

" We can get some milk and pizza from the fridge and watch episodes of Law & Order SVU?"

"No , thanks, ma. You have to sleep because you have work la--"

"And you should turn off the light and sleep because you have school " , she smiles.

I tell her that I'll have to read three more pages then I'll turn off the light and sleep. She closes the door. I turn to my side, read three and a half pages and finally my eyes close.

This awfully loud siren wakes me up at 6:33. It's my alarm. My mom thinks it's weird that I set my alarm at 6:33 and not at 6:30 or some "normal" time. I don't know. I guess this just represents how out of order my life has been and anyway , I like waking up at 6:33.

The curtains are already open , I guess my mom opened them for me though I didn't hear her come into the room. The light of the sun entering through the windows burns my eyes I squint because I can't see properly. I quickly put on my glasses and get out of bed. I stagger because my legs are still asleep I guess. "Another sucky day", I mumble to myself.

I take a shower , blow dry my hair , brush my teeth etc (the whole daily morning routine ) and I head slowly to the kitchen where I'm greeted by the pleasant aroma of sizzling bacon and oh so lovely caffeine : coffee.

Mom always makes breakfast because she wakes up way too early. She has to though because her shift at the hospital starts at 7:30. When I get back from school I cook dinner. It's the way it's always been for years now. I enjoy this routine though. It's the only sense of order that I have and one of the only things that hasn't changed in my life.

"The bacon smells great , mom" , I say while grabbing my mug and pouring coffee into it. "Listen , may I head to town after school today ? I need to make a stop there. "

"Morning to you too and yeah , sure. Just make sure you come home on time and do your homework and chores. I'm taking an extra shift so I'm going to be late. "

"Thanks mom. And of course , you know me. "

So we continue talking until she leaves for work.

My bus will be hear soon so I grab my bag and head out too.

___________________________

Hell is waiting for me. The flames waiting to devour my soul and dissolve every particle of happiness or whatever I have that is close to happiness. This is where dreams are shattered by your fellow peers. The place where childhood friends are broken up by stupid hierarchies created by the privileged or rich. The place where those who do not conform to the norm are referred to as the misfits or the outsiders or other derogatory terms. This is school. Or at least my school.
I tend not to think of all schools being like this. Just my school.

I walk through the front gate and I can spot Jake sitting on the wooden bench next to the willow tree reading To Kill A Mocking Bird for English. I run up to him because it's going to take me forever to reach him if I don't.

"You were supposed to read that a long time ago. ",I point out the obvious.

He blinks and stares at me for a long time before saying ," I know ". He then looks down to continue reading page 34 of the book.

I sit down next to him. Maybe he's mad at me but I don't know what I did except not answer his phone calls the other night.

"I'm sorry for not answering your --"

"It's okay ", he says without even looking at me.

So I also take out To Kill A Mocking Bird and read it. Except I can't read it because I keep thinking of why he could be mad at me. I didn't answer his calls? He shouldn't be mad at me for that because sometimes he doesn't answer my calls either. Maybe he's just trying to read as many pages as he can before English which is like 3rd period. So we sit there not talking to each other.

In my peripheral I spot Jenna walking towards us. (Jenna is the new popular princess in school--that's what they call her. She used to be what they call a misfit in this school until she hosted a party and everyone found out that she lived at a grand estate in this grand mansion. ( Most, maybe 85% , of the student population in this school live at estates or in mansions, Jake included ). ) So I'm hoping that Jenna isn't coming towards us because I'm really not in the -- Oh , God.

"Well , well , seems like your boyfriend is just ...not that into you. Picking a book over you. Shame. I also wouldn't want to look at your hideous face. And to think that everyone really adored that ugly face. Tell me , how did you become popular anyway? Because you were sleeping with Sky ? "

"You have way too much time on your hands , dude ", Jake says without looking up. "Just go away and leave Valerie alone ".

I look at him , incredulous, he wouldn't talk to me but now he's talking AND defending me. It's nice but why not talk to me but and waste energy on some girl who doesn't have her own life and tramples on other people just to get popular.

The irony , I realise. That used to be me so I look down and block Jenna and Jake out.

The bell rings. Jenna walks away.

"Jake?". He doesn't answer or even look at me. He gets up whilst staring at the book. I grab his arm and he pulls away. "I'll see you in class", he says with too much intensity in his eyes.

I follow right behind him thinking about where we're going. I follow him to the 1st period - physics.

I sit next to Jake in physics class so it's sort of difficult for me to avoid him. I sit in my chair and scoot next to him. He looks at me with a what the f**k do you want face and doesn't say a word. So I reply by looking at him with a what is your problem face so he shrugs and looks away so I scoot back over to my desk and stare at the white board.

Our physics teacher always takes forever explaining one topic. Today he's explaining Schrödinger's cat in detail and I'm lost. So I stare blankly at the white board and patiently wait for the bell to ring to so I can really talk to Jake and ask him what's wrong because I hate it when Jake is like this.

So I keep looking at the clock on the wall just waiting and waiting...and waiting. I would risk talking to him now but Mr Low will just make a whole thing out of it and Jake's not feeling it and neither am I. So I sit there suffering in silence and doodle in my textbook.

Finally.

Author's Note

Views , opinions and tips on writing are appreciated :)