Letting Go

Sometimes you have to let go even though you want to hold on

    Honestly you have been a drag and I can’t just carry you around all the time anymore.  I thought you were helping me out and making me feel good, but you have turned my life upside down and turned it into living hell.  So thank you so much, just kidding.  You have ruined my love life to start with, and made my best friend my caretaker. I want my life back and want to be free, so i am setting myself free.  I need to move on to get better grades and to take control of my life.  I need all A’s this term with calc and stat and I don’t have time for bullshit, you're a made up thing and only little children create made up objects.  I use to be so happy without you, goofing off and and being naughty with Alex.  Well just lifting my shirt up a tiny bit.  So i may like when i saw my abs, but that isn’t healthy, and being healthy is far more important.  My size zeros and ones may fit a little loose and that proves I am skinny, the scale isn’t lying to me either.  Instead this whole time I have been believing in a voice that isn’t my own.  My voice would be telling me to go study harder, not sleep or eat less.  I loved food and I dropped out of piano and drawing all because I thought I wasn’t good enough.  So I know I can’t recover overnight but one day I will be so glad I throw this nasty anorexia out of my life, and wanted to get rid of you, for me.  I want a future with little kids running around my house laughing and being able to cook them meals without worrying about being a fat mom.  I want to be able to show my boyfriend I am capable of recovery, and let him see that girl hiding behind a voice.  Food is not the end of life, and thoughts shouldn't be bringing me down.  All cause of thinking these thoughts I have become so much harder on myself, and that has made me a depressed monster.  I rather have my friends and family and social life back, then thinking i need to be stick and bones.  I am done crying myself to sleep every night, because soon my pillow is going to turn to mold if i make it any wetter.  I am pretty sure it can stay wet all day because I cry all night long.  I want to be able to look in that mirror and feel happy about myself, and love what I see.  To have control of my life and what is actually important, I have to let you go.  No more being your b***h sorry.