An Open Letter To My Abuser

There are so many things I could say to you. This is the only way I can express it.

A letter to my abuser.

“Every action has consequences… your latest just cost you over a million dollars. I love you with all my heart!! But I will NO longer play your games!” These are the last words you will ever say to me. You think it is your choice, but I had made the choice long ago. It’s ironic in some ways. Every action has consequences. Let’s take a second and think about your actions. Could my resentment to you not be a consequence of those actions? I will forever deal with consequences from the trauma you inflicted on me. Take your last message for example. When have you ever given me anything without holding it over my head?
Do you know what it’s like to grow up broken? I used to think anyone who was truly happy in front of me was just faking it. How could I possibly comprehend happiness when my life was devoid of it for so long? I have just begun to understand the consequences of your actions. How do you hit a child for something so meaningless? Every day I am reminded of the damage done to me. Do you even think about it?
I have tried so hard to understand you. I know now how hard it is being a young adult and finding yourself. I understand what it must of been like to come out of an abusive relationship with a baby. I do not blame you for not holding me while I was crying in the other room. The human mind is a wicked thing, I know this thanks to the trauma you inflicted on me. Every action has consequences…
What I do not understand is why you have never apologized. Why is it that after all this time I am still the bad guy? Take a look at yourself before you claim I am the one playing games. I do not owe my abuser anything! I have spent so long playing your games.
There are so many things I can say to you. I treat my dog better than you treated me. I don’t remember much of my childhood. You don’t love me, I’m just the one thing that you see as inherently yours. The one thing that you could treat however you want and I’m just expected to love you unconditionally. Life is not fair, you made sure to teach me that. The level of textbook psychological abuse you put me through as a child is something I still cannot even comprehend.
Do you remember that time you had a voice recorder, and I forgot even why it all started, you were standing over me recording me crying saying it was proof about how bad of a child I was being? You had him pick me up my my ears. My lobes tore from that. You kicked me while I was on the ground begging for you to stop. How old was I?
Every action has consequences. I am so broken, and yet I am strong. You unintentionally taught me how to be a better human. You showed me all the things I never wanted to be. I am a beautiful individual and you will no longer hold me back mom.