Gonzo And the Holiday Witch

Well if ya dont know my stories well hell grab a pint cause they go better with booze cheers

The bottles were scattred monuments to beaten livers and bad decisions.
I awoke like any other morning okay afternoon hungover and to void of booze to deal with
hampsters or flying monkeys .

 

The agony was what I was used to but the ringing in my head was altogather a diffrent matter.
it grew louder that constant annoying ring and to my suprize much like the voices in my head after my
usal sixpack and half pint of Wild Turkey it was still there.

 

It rang and rang and caused such a clatter I had to finally get up off my arse and see what the f**k was the matter.
I opened the door to the pub to be met by a bright light jesus christ it was the rapture or one of thoose other
big hippie rock festivals dam you  lalapalooza!

 

But it was just then I remebred to put on my sunglasses.
That huge annoying lightbulb was a cruel b***h indeed.
Now in the realm of what most called the outdoors the noise was clear and to my suprize it was some
strangley dressed hooker slash recruiter for the Forein Legion or Salvation Army really whats the diffrence
ya see one fashion cult ya seen em all ohh snap!

The woman kept ringing the bell as if in some weird trance and like some strange witch she stood by a kettle
dear Lord! what if she was putting a curse on us all.

Hello sir care to make a donation?
It seems I could pay to keep the witch at bay why hadnt i thought of this scheme myself.

In a slurred voice i spoke to the witch in her native tongue most people call it english.
For ?
I said in a naughty school girl way inwhich a vixen ses to the teacher when she wants good grades
or a ride home with a happy ending.

 

It's to help the needy on Christmas. 
It seesm the pagan was raising funds for one of her bizzar rituals.
being the reporter with the heart of gold and not grain of sense I asked her to speak of this
strange custom.

 

It seems as though her good had had one to many and made another little hampster
so far this God sounded like someone I could enjoy a drink with.
Then he called on his homeboys to vist the little dude and give him some totally useless
gifts hope they kept the reciets cause screw that crap give me a gallon of Turkey and a Xbox

She rambled on with her fairy tale and how now people seem to all give things to one another
On this strange holiday .
Boy like that will ever catch on sister .

 

She jingled her bell as i jumped and screamed like a little girl a very manly little girl may i add
dear lord woman !
That noise you may use your magic to scare other's into paying you but when I pay
a woman it usally ends in sex okay almost always.

 

She looked at me deepley she must have been undersing me with her eyes i felt so dirty in the right kinda way.
But enough with the foreplay children.
Are you insane?

 

The witch asked in a angry voice her grip on her bell tighten she spoke again.
get outta here  you weirdo.
Yeah i know she was totally into me.

Witch I know you've cast a spell on me so why toil with your silly made up holiday scheme.

Of all the pubs you could have decided to hook in front of you picked the home of
Hello's favorite guilty pleasure .
I say we cut through this silly spell  s**t and go into the bar and i give you the most forgetable experience of your life.
Hey as long as im happy thats all that counts kids.

 

She paused caught deep in the moment then asked whats Hello?
Oh that was a site that used to be really fun and now really isnt.
She paused yet again pulling in her magic purse often used by witches
and candy arse singers like Justin Bieber!

 

She pulled from it some magic spray that blinded me.
the pain was terrible i herd her blow a whistle  lucky whistle.
Calling her warlocks who I feared were powerful and horny.

Soon I  found myself locked in a dungeon with other strange people all under spells.
there was a man dressed as a pagan God calling himself Santa
Seems he liked to play with his candy cane in public.
Yeah who doesnt?

 

The days passed and i was put through a horrible torture worse than having
to watch the O network or listening to Justin Beiber that musiacal nazi.
I went days without  my booze i was put into a strange state called sober.

Finally the curse was lifted as the guard showed me out he informed me
it was cause it was Christmas .

Dear lord !
The witch had  cast her spell over the world.

So as I sit in the confines of my Pub whiskey flowing like water.
I've learned beware of this bell ringing witch and her tales of strange Gods
and give or fall victem to her charms as did I.

Untill next time stay crazy hampsters.

Reviews

[Lily Mae]

I'd love to be a Christmas Witch as long as I can pull up a bar stool and toast with you over the over rated holidays lol... Crazy and perfect as always my friend...xo