That Place

This short poem is just something that I know a handful of us feel, almost constantly. We all rise up, but then we fall back down. But that is life. This place is the one place that pushes us.

We all have that one place.

You know where I am talking about.

Where they are that you cannot face,

That place, away, you must race.

We do not know, nor even want to know.

But, we all have a place like that.

Where our true feelings show,

And only ourselves are the foe.

Everything you did wrong is sitting there,

And none of the right, of what you see.

Those feelings we cannot bear,

For our faults, only we share.

And then you think of that someone,

Or you think of those people.

That you realize yes, you can have fun.

And then you realize that you are done.

That place is over with,

You don't have to go back.

They hold you back from the cliff,

And your mood starts to shift.

But at that time, you also realize,

That it is only a matter of time.

That you will eventually stop the rise,

And you will come back to that place.

Author's Note

Help a young writer figure out how to be better.

Reviews

[JayG]

• That place, away, you must race.

Never, never, never force the line to the needs of the rhyme. It all to often results in "Yoda-speak," like this. The rhyme is an accent, not the purpose of the poem. It's the thought being expressed that's paramount. All else should be in service to that.

And take a look into prosody. It's what makes the words "fall trippingly from the tongue."

Two suggestions:

First, take a look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less traveled, on Amazon. It's a really great introduction to structured poetry.

Next, look on Shmoop, for: The Cremation of Sam McGee. Published over 100 years ago, it still has the power to get the reader tapping a toe to the beat as they fall into the rhythm—and to bring a chuckle at the ending. Then, turn the pages to look at the analysis of the poem. https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Delmar Cooper]

Read JayG's advice, pick out the clever parts and try them. There won't be a lot left over, I promise you.

[Mars]

I can somehow relate to this piece. Well done for describing it vividly. It works well in conveying your message to the readers. Good read.

[Arpita Mondal]

This is a very beautiful piece. I love the idea behind it. You've written it down beautifully. Great job. :)