The First

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. Twisting and turning, I hear his voice in my ears, making my heart begin to speed away at irregular heart beats. Pulling the covers tightly around me, I feel his lips next to my ears as he whispers my name. It was all to real, he was my everything, when I was surely his nothing. He made me always second guess myself, and his eyes always showed me a different story that he showed his other peers.
 I bite my lip and sit up in bed, it was still early but my whole body needed him, my heart slowly pounded waiting for him. Throwing my covers off, I dress as quickly as I can. I grabbed my cell and opened the window. My adrenaline was rushing as I hopped out, luckily my bedroom was on the bottom floor. I run across the yard and rushed down the street.
 I needed him. Everything was pulling me towards him, and each step I took my love for him grew even more if that was possible. He had my heart, and I had his. Closing my eyes as I ran, I could see him, I could hear his breath next to mine. And as I opened my eyes, there he was… running next to me with a grin.
 His little cocky grin he used to give me, his messy hair in his face, making him flick it to the sides. His face was pale and his eyes were a clear brown always making me sigh.
 “I’ll never leave you. I’m always here.”
 His voice was just below a whisper and I stopped running, making him stop. I reached out to touch his pale cheek, when he frowned, and everything began to fade and spin away, just like a nightmare.

 Bright and early in the morning, my parents found me outside of the place he used to live, the place where so many memories were held.
 I couldn’t get up, my limbs were weak, and I felt like my whole heart was gone. That I wasn’t alive anymore but I still was, when I believe I shouldn’t be. I was desperate… I was still clinging on what use to be. What him and I use to be.
 My eyes were red and puffy and I was freezing. The doctors said that I almost had hypothermia, one more hour and they would have had to do a whole surgical process on me. Luckily I didn’t have it and I was sent home, in which now I lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling, picturing this just as some sick cruel joke, but it never was.
 “Jennifer… darling…” my mothers distant voice came. I looked to my right and she was seated at the ground, holding my hand.
 Her eyes were moist and she put her hand though her hair, “He wouldn’t have wanted this. He would have wanted you happy… you know that.”
 I bite my lip and look away, at her pleading face for me to understand. But I would never be able to. How could I? He kept me sane, he kept me grounded, he held everything. He was MY everything.
 “You know! He wouldn’t want this.,. You know!” she said a bit more fiercely, letting tears escape. Her lips quivered.
 “Please… Jennifer… Please… I, am so worried… darling please… just smile.. just be normal again. Say something..”
 I had enough of her talking, and I pushed her away, “HOW can I be normal mother!? He f*****g died because of me! I loved him, every last ounce of me is his! And He’s f*****g gone. What can I do!? I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know anything anymore. I just want to die. I wish I was the one that died! Is that what you want me to say… is that..”
 My voice cracked a bit as I screamed this to her.
 I couldn’t say his name. I could even think his name because if I did, I would just curl up in a ball, and scream and probably end up getting sick. I would go crazy. Even more crazy than I am already.
 My mother bawled and she stood up, looking down at me, as I started to curl up, I bite my knuckle and keep myself from saying anymore. I pull the cover up and over my face to hide the million of tears I am about to shed.
 This ache it hurt to much to really cope with. Everything was gone. I might as well be stranded alone in some desert.
 She tried to find her voice, but couldn’t, she was crying to much. She fell in the lazy boy and put her hands over her worn out face and cried. I felt bad, I did, but I just couldn’t control myself anymore. What am I to do?
 Her tears seemed just like guilt trips meaning really nothing to me since he was gone.
 “Jennifer, that boy loved you to..” She hiccupped and went on, “He wouldn’t want you to be this way. He wouldn’t want you to waste your life this way. He would want you to go on, to move foreword…”
 I shook my head under the sheets, unfuckingbelieviable.
 “You don’t know anything. Just leave me alone.” I pleaded weakly.
 I squeezed my eyes shut.
 Just leave me alone.
 Just leave me alone.
 Just. Leave. Me. Alone.
 Alone.