Dear Nicole

I would recommend not reading this unless you are the person in whom it is entitled for. However, if you really feel the need to, I cant stop you. It is probably not enjoyable to read.

Dear Nicole,

                I have no idea where to begin for I do not fully know what all you think or feel or anything for that matter. I need to start with this tho. I am so so so so sorry.  I swear to you, I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to see pain in your eyes. Ever!! I know you probably don’t believe anything I am saying, but ask yourself, why would I write this? Your friends would probably tell you to try and win you back. How? I read your vent, I know you wish I would die and rot in hell. And you know what; I also know I deserve that. I hurt you. I’m not even entirely sure how, but just knowing that I did hurts me. On top of that, ask yourself, if I only wished to hurt you, if I didn’t actually care for you, why would I want to win you back?

 NICOLE, I WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALLY HURT YOU. EVER!!! I care for you deeply. Your friends would probably say something along the lines of, “oh, that’s cause he is a victimizer, he preyed on you.” Or something like that. Nicole, search your heart. I was with you for a year and almost 4 months. I was honest with you (besides for the texting, which I am sorry you had to deal with). (Also, sin has a way of making us feel ashamed, it attacks us and makes us think we are the only ones who go through it, therefore we don’t talk about it because we are ashamed.) Look at all the times I screwed up and told you about it. I couldn’t keep it from you. I cared so much for you that I felt like crap and had to tell you. 

                Sorry, got off topic there. I just wish there was something I could do to take away the pain I caused you. In the meantime I will do what I can, pray. I just hope God hears my prayers and doesn’t ignore me cause of the pain I caused. Nicole, I care for you, genuinely. You probably doubt that, along with a lot of other things. But I am not lying. I have no reason to. I care for you.

                I wish we were able to talk. I wish you could tell me how you feel. I wish you could explain to me the pain inside. I would cry, but it would be ok. At least then I would know. I’d have to wrestle back the urge to hug you, and hold you tight while telling you it will all be ok. Cause I know that isn’t what you want. Nicole it pains me to know you hurt so much. It pains me to know that you are struggling. I am so sorry. I seriously never meant to hurt you. I was a fool. I pray away the pain you feel inside. I hurt knowing that you hurt. I am so sorry. I never wanted to cause you pain. I never meant to hurt you. Nicole I wish you could see how much I mean everything that I have said. I wish you knew how much I truly cared. And on top of that, I wish it mattered. I wish it would help. I wish you weren’t in pain. I wish with all my heart that the things I did to cause you pain never happened. I wish with all my heart that I would have acted like the man I am supposed to be, and not as the boy I was. I wish I could take all my stupid mistakes away and leave you with all the love I have for you. I wish that the sin would never have happened and that I truly showed you how much you meant to me.

Nicole, I never meant to hurt you. I am so sorry that I sinned and allowed it to flood into our relationship. Please believe me when I say I never wanted that. I wanted to see you smile all the days of my life. ALL THE DAYS. This was not just something for me to attain gratification. Nicole, I loved you. I am not lying. Again, I have no reason to lie. I am so sorry that I didn’t protect you, that I didn’t stop harm from coming to you, harm mainly caused by me. I am so sorry. Please believe me.

Nicole, you have no idea how much I wish you weren’t hurting. No idea how much I wish I could help you. Search inside and see the laughs. Search inside and see the joy. Search and know that I am not lying. I truly cared and still do care for you. Truly. That probably doesn’t matter to you, but it’s true. Some days I wish that it wasn’t true, then I wouldn’t be hurting as much as I am. Then, the situation with you wouldn’t mean more to me than court hanging over my head. That makes no sense to me, why am I more sad/hurt over you than I am worried about court. That all doesn’t matter tho; what matters is, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for your pain, for your trials, and for everything I made difficult for you, everything I ruined in your life. I am sincerely sorry. Again, I never meant to inflict pain upon you.  

I wish you could see how much I truly mean what I say. I wish you could see how much I care for you. How much I truly wish that I could see that smile upon your face once again. I wish you knew that I want to see you truly happy, and be a part of that. I wish you knew that I never wanted any of this pain, on either side. You meant a lot to me and I never wanted to hurt you. I was a fool, a very big fool and I am so sorry.

Nicole, if I could get one thing across in this letter, it is this: I am sorry for how I have wronged you. I am sorry that I messed so many things up. I am sorry for the pain you now carry. I am and will be praying that the burden upon your shoulders is lifted. I pray away this pain. All of your sadness and hurt, I pray it would be lifted off of your shoulders by the ever loving hand of our Father. I pray that he would restore the love within you. I pray whole heartedly that he would reveal himself to you in ways so grand that it transforms your life into the beautiful young woman I know you will be. I pray that you embrace the Father and truly run the race set before you. I pray for your safety. That our Father would protect you in everything you do. That no man, not even the one you are now chasing, would abuse your heart. I pray that you would grow, in faith, in love, in Christ. I pray that you do not sell yourself short or buy into lies fed into your mind. I pray that the Lord would protect you from the lies of the evil one and build you upon his firm foundation.

In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.  Please do not hold onto burdens of this life when your savior is so willing to assist you. Please, I pray, dive into him. He has so much for you, do not turn from him. Embrace him and his blessings. I sincerely wish you the best and I truly am sorry.