Toxins

1-21-13 to 2-25-13 I kinda like this piece, I feel like certain areas need some work tho. So feedback is welcome.

I don’t trust myself to speak

Out of fear my voice will crack

Under the weight of my sorrow

 

For the sorrows of this present darkness

Weighs down upon my soul

As if I were scheduled to die.

Venom ravages my body

Its filth dragging me into the abyss

 

Slithering through my veins

The toxins devour and destroy

Hope and love, seem to be its target

 

Consuming all things good

It eats away at my very core

Not resting till there’s nothing left

 

Nothing but a shell,

Empty and void of beauty

Reviews

[Riley Bray]

I agree with Brandon when he says you were being modest with your explanation...This is a really amazing poem! The only thing I have to say is maybe, to keep all the stanzas consistent, take the first two lined stanza and add a new line specifically for "the abyss." For the last stanza, I don't think the "of beauty" is necessary. I say either let it be one longer line than the rest to end it, which would work best in my opinion, or say something like, "of all that is dear," or something. :) Overall fantastic poem!

[Jeremia]

It is consistent. 3, 3, 2, 3, 3, 2. lol But ya I hear ya. Idk what I'd do to change it.

[Riley Bray]

Ah yes well, short attention span. I suppose that's just too in depth for me at the moment. :P

[Jeremia]

Haha, no, it's all good. I knew what you were saying. It's valuable. Thanks

[Brandon S. Whitten]

So modest you are..this was an excellent read and write. A beautiful mind unfolding like the lotus.

[Jeremia]

Wow.. that is great to hear. I'm so glad that you enjoyed reading. Thank you. :)

[Kesha]

I feel "like a snake bite" seems like it doesnt fit? I like it better without that line. Idk pay me no attention its just my opinion(: but other than that i really enjoyed reading this piece. I can feel the darkness and pain as i was reading it. Portrays such strong emotions. Good job(:

[Jeremia]

Might sound better if you heard me read it. However, do you think I should just leave that stanza as two lines or what would you suggest replacing it with? And I will never ignore you. I value your opinion. Thank you, very much.

[Kesha]

I would consider leaving it as two lines honestly. It flows better to me. And haha alrighty(: and your welcome

[Jeremia]

I think it would work out because the then the third and sixth stanza would both be two lines. Hmmm, I will have to consider that.

[Kesha]

Yeah exactly. And you dont need to(:

[Jeremia]

Well, I think it is quite valid feedback. I think you are right. It doesn't seem needed, and it sounds pretty good without it.

[Kesha]

Well im glad i could be of service :) as my bio says I try and give honest feedback :)

[Jeremia]

I value that. Thank you. :)

[Kesha]

Again your welcome(:

[Keith LaFountaine]

Great imagery, you have a strong pen and you know how to use it. Good job, keep it up!

[Jeremia]

Thank you. :)

[Dhaye]

Toxins are the negatives in ourselves we have to eliminate. Anger, sadness, and insecurities - they are all natural, but we have to overcome...we have to wipe out before they occupy not only our hearts but also our souls.
I can't find anything wrong in this piece (I don't think I am that good in critiquing in terms of grammar and construction). I like it, in general. Good work!

[Jeremia]

I agree they are the negatives inside ourselves, however, I do not think they are all natural. There are so many factors that cause us to be entangled by so many different emotions. And if they are not taken care of as they first enter the mind, they become like a toxin and completely destroy the one stricken.

Thank you. :) I'm glad you took the time to comment. :)