Live! National Flytipping Contest!

In an all too plausible parallel universe, a local TV station broadcasts the three day finals for the National Flytipping Association annual tournament.

Brief explanation

‘Fly-tipping’ is a term for the dumping of garbage anywhere apart from recognised places. As far as I’m aware, there are no semi-official groups or associations; nor is there anywhere a championship to find the ‘best’.  This problem is widespread in what is termed the third world. Mexico City and Manila are two of the worst. But the UK is pretty bad, and I’m ashamed sometimes to see the amount of litter on the streets of our cities and in the roadside hedgerows.  USA is cleaner, it seems - however, the US produces and consumes and throws out more resources per person than any other country on the planet.  So I’ve based this story in the US.  This was partly because I know it fairly well, but also because I suspect that, if there was a Fly-tipping Championship, some minority TV channel in the US would cover it. 

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Carina: Good afternoon to all our subscription viewers on this Columbus Day weekend and thanks for watching and supporting CAXBC.  We sure do appreciate it. I’m Carina Lake and let me bid you a big sunny welcome to Day One of the National Annual Fly-Tipping Championships sponsored by Eezi-Tip Kitchens here in Oakland in beautiful California.  I’m here with past winner and NAFT, that’s the National Association of Fly-Tippers right Hugh?  Here with their president Hugh Kayres so welcome Hugh we’re so glad to have you along and hey, Hugh, whaddya think of the standard of finalists this year? 

Hugh: Carina, it’s a pleasure to be here. Thanks for the coverage - we surely do appreciate it. But yes, it’s a real high standard as always. There’s always a bunch of us chuckin’ and duckin’, droppin’ and sloppin’, crashin’ and trashin’. I reckon this’ll be a great competition.

Carina: Well I sure hope so. Now folks, these championships last three days over the long holiday weekend and you’ll be sure to see more tomorrow and Monday right here. I promise you folks you’re in for a real CAXBC treat so be sure to tune in again tomorrow!  But we’re guessing this is maybe the first time for some folks seeing a Fly-Tipping contest, it’s certainly mine, and as we’re all new to it and may be unfamiliar with the rules, Hugh why dontcha lay it on for us. And just what, exactly, is fly-tipping?

Hugh: Carina there ain’t no rules in fly-tipping. It means chuck and dump as much garbage and trash as you can as fast as you can and in the most inaccessible spots and you’re the winner. 

Carina: OK you mean like throwing a soda can out of my car window at the stop light?

Hugh: Sure. But Carina ain’t you seen old sofas dumped in fields and so on? That’s gettin’ to the more serious stuff.

Carina: Sure Hugh, I’ve seen that.  I ride sometimes, and Frodo my horse started snicking away at something just last week. I looked a little closer, and do you know I think it was the inner drum from a tumble dryer? And this is miles from the nearest road! That’s some dedicated fly-tipping to dump it there.

Hugh: Carina, we in NAFT pride ourselves, like a code of practice almost, on how far and wide we can and do spread our trash.

Carina: Well you say that and Hugh, I can see you’re sporting the NAFT polo shirt with, what’s that - a motto? Hay Zack can you zoom the camera in so the folks can read it.

Hugh: Every new NAFT member recites our motto at their initiation.  It’s, what-to-say, our credo.  “In every lake, on every highway, ‘cross every yard, but not down my way’

Carina: Amazing! There’s so much I wanna ask but, hey, we gotta start on the competition, Hugh. We could talk all day this is so fascinating I’m sure the folks at home get this so much and are right on it. So, umm, yeah three days for the contest, Hugh - how does this work?

Hugh: We got three rounds.  Round One - Today - is the small stuff - soda cans like you at your stop light, used condoms, grocery bags, food-wrappings and their contents, panty-liners, that kinda stuff. Round Two tomorrow is industrials - car parts, old engines, broken fenders, fuel cans, lawnmowers - you know the s**t I mean.  Finally Round Three is the biggest and best - whole vehicles, large furniture, big fridges and freezers - too heavy or difficult to lift and therefore to tip anyplace far from the truck.  They got winners each day but the real award is overall Supreme Fly-tipper. First prize is a lifetime guarantee from all registered and affiliated members of the National Fly-Tipping Association not to dump on your lawn or backyard.

Carina: Hugh that’s a real boon for the lucky winner! 

Hugh: Yeah. I mean there’s always new tippers, renegades, and members of rival associations who don’t give a s**t, but it’s a help for sure.  You also get a certic-if, umm certif-ate, ah umm piece o’ paper says you’re top cheese. You can frame it like.

Carina: Wow that’s wonderful Hugh. Do you still have yours?

Hugh: No. Guess I threw it out. Probably in some levee now I guess.

Carina: Oh umm, OK. Well you’ll always know you won and were the best, and we’re certainly hoping for your insights today - Round One Small Stuff. Tell us more about the scoring.

Hugh: See, it’s about speed and aim - top points go to how much they can throw in one minute but also for the stuff that stays hidden in hedges and tight corners for months, sometimes longer. Hell, I stowed a coke bottle four or five years back in the hedge of a city official I knowed where they live.  I walk past kinda sly now and then and that f****r is still right where I threw it.  

Carina: Wow that’s great wastin’ Hugh. Respect!

Hugh: I mean that city official just ain’t got no pride in his house and surrounds to not even notice; where’s his pride? I done gone back several occasions and next time I might just leave my old Chevy clutch in his bushes. He ain’t checkin’ none.

Carina: Civic pride huh? Some householder huh? Hugh you’d certainly expect better from a city official.  And look, folks wanna know and I’ve gotta ask it - how do you people in NAFT square all this with the tree-huggers, bunny-lovers, climate-changers - you know the sorta folk I mean.

Hugh: Carina - Fact is we’re more environmentally aware than any of them wasters. NAFT got our own Professor up Spokane way who can explain this better ’n me, but basics are we cut out the wasteful expensive middle parts of the recyclin’ process. Carina have you any idea how many millions are spent in this country on land-fill? And these new high-falutin’ incineration plants - hell they produce worse gases than my bro’ after extra beans! Carina it’s a proven fact that garbage in the open, exposed to repeated cycles of sun, rain, hot, cold break down quicker than landfill - tickin’ time bomb, Carina - landfill’s a tickin’ time bomb.

Carina: Hugh that’s so good to know, and now folks watchin’ don’t need to feel any qualms next time Junior gets antsy and throws his diapers out the window on the freeway. Folks we’re OK - it’ll break down quicker!

Hugh: Sure thing. And I should tell everybody that the NAFT website has FAQs on all this stuff so we got it all laid up for folks to see.

 

Carina: Thank you for that, Hugh, really useful to know.  Hey Zack, can we get the NAFT web details on the screen please? Folks stay put and the details will be right here. Anyway back to today’s contest. Hugh, I know you’ve been sorta behind the scenes and you know what the organizers have got in mind.

Hugh: Yeah.  And Carina lemme tell ya this is one tricky course them’s laid out - a real mother.  For this event today the contestants gotta hit drainage ditches, hedges, backyards, doorways and - my favorite - open windows of vehicles, ideally when they’re in motion but parked still scores pretty good.  They laid out a couple make-believe neighborhoods, streets, drains, backyards, lots, small park with a pond; and like I said, the contestant has one minute. They gotta a shitload of shopping carts filled with small garbage. Carts are fixed to the ground otherwise them f****rs would just darn throw the whole kit and caboodle. Oh I forgot. Judges also got discretion to award points for ace-thet-ics; the cleaner and neater the area looks at the end of the minute, the less points you get!

Carina: Are there points for graffiti? 

Hugh: No ma’am that’s not scored. But last year Tip Anywhere from Cleveland got extra ace-thet-ics points when a paint aerosol he done throw hit the backyard wall and just damn exploded - Man that f****r went everywhere!  In real life them folks in their backyard wouldda thanked Tip for saving them paintin’ their wall, but ‘least in the contest he got extra.

Carina: OK everyone, so we understand the scoring.  Now the finalists.  Hugh, what can you tell us about them?

Hugh: North-East is represented by Mike Trashfield from Hartford. Current New England champion. Mike’s a big guy and usually does well in Round Three, but he ain’t as quick on his feet as some of the others, so don’t ‘spect too much today.  New York and DC got Ed Shitriver from outta Philly. I’m keepin’ my eye on Ed - a new up and comin’ player is my guess. South East is the Orlando Oilman Carl Slicksea - Carina, he was last year’s numero uno - enough said! 

Carina: Hugh that’s wonderful insight, and more later, but you’re coming beautifully round clock-ways to the deep south and our first competitor, Chuck Ree Gardless from Biloxi - in fact, Hugh, did I hear right … he’s the County Sheriff thereabouts?  

Hugh: Thass’ right

Carina: Well isn’t that, you know, kind of weird? A lawman breaking the law, so to speak. I mean I hope the authorities listen to your environmental case, but as it stands fly-tipping is against the code in every State.  I mean it’s sorta sanctioned OK in a tournament, I suppose, but all these contestants must practice don’t they? Locally? Breaking the law every time they do so?

Hugh: Sure they do.  Carina, lemme tell ya. Truth to tell, unless you dump your load on the Mayor’s front lawn, all over the country there’s not one po-leece-man from Kansas to Kalamazoo gonna do jack-s**t about it. Police? Sheriff’s Department? Shoot, they’re some of the best at it, chuckin’ soda cans and styros while their sirens are blastin’.  

Carina: OK umm. I guess.

Hugh: Carina, lemme say it better, they got bigger fish to fry - Capische? Chuck Ree’s a damn good guy AND a great tosser. ’Respect’ Man!

Carina: Well Hugh here at CAXBC we’re indebted for your inside knowledge and telling it how it is for fly-tippers. So let’s see how Chuck Ree from Biloxi goes folks. He’s coming right up. Will the Sheriff from Louisiana do the South proud? But first a short break.  Don’t go away folks - the fun is about to start!

Reviews

[Glen Weimann]

I've done this kind of writing before. What I'm looking to do is use a fun situation and play out a scenario within it. It's generally about things that irritate me, and I use the piece to expose those aspects. But of course this means they run out of legs fairly quickly and there is nowhere else I feel able to take this. It's very similar to running gags in comedy series where they'll return to the same characters each week for another peek into their world. So I think it has its place, but won't be going any further. I will probably add a couple pf similar ones later.