A.K.A. F.A.D. Series V: Tinman

Sound off...1, 2, 3...1...
1, 2, 3, 2...
1, 2, 3, 3...
1, 2, 3, 4...
I am Ironman, no...
I am made of steel, like Superman, no...
I am not that either...
I am the Tinman, so you know...

Sand in my hollowed-out face, rusted out joints & no disgrace place to go,
Shows you where the out-dated expendable ones are dismantled & thrown,
We are the symbolism of perishable goods - vegetation over-grown,
Shown only by passers-by of what freedom fighters use to do for:

God, Family, Country & Corps

More-over; lore, we call that always faithful, always forward,
Ward off the true enemies that be,
Sea creatures called polliwogs,
Devil-dogs turned Shell-backs,
Never surrender, never turn our backs & sail down under ready to attack,
Set, match...we were all - Tinman once upon a time,
Times are a changing, dwindling to the promise land,
Land of the free, we use to call that America,
We were the few, the proud, a selective quota,
Aorta ready to burst, all we ever wanted was a purple heart,
Depart from the womb, cut the cord & become U. S. Marines,
Quarantine was not in our nature, first to fight,

Sound off...1, 2, 3...1...
1, 2, 3, 2...
1, 2, 3, 3...
1, 2, 3, 4...
I am Ironman, no...
I am made of steel, like Superman, no...
I am not that either...
I am the Tinman, so you know...

Might versus right, we chose both,
Gloat-over the other watchers, before us,
Trust, we must not give up the fight,
Might this be our last day,
Right place to bleed out & die,
Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth,
Rooted down to the fundamental & primary,
Elementary, my dear Watson,
Now, pay attention - do not question the moment, stay silent,
Relent, keep your faith - keep moving forward,
Onward to the Wild West, pick up the rest of the posse comitatus,
No hiatus, no rodeo & no time for liberty,
Security for We the People, we rather choose death,
Take a deep breath, we are the United States, no hate, relate we all bleed Red,
Shed the other part, we are all true Blue,
Ensue, we never will raise the white flag of surrender,

Sound off...1, 2, 3...1...
1, 2, 3, 2...
1, 2, 3, 3...
1, 2, 3, 4...
I am Ironman, no...
I am made of steel, like Superman, no...
I am not that either...
I am the Tinman, so you know...

We rise, we fall...call to arms, we hold only one banner, which shall rise for all nations under God...
We will fade into the sod, only my last remains I write there words,
Swords at the ready & fix bayonets - forward march, double time: CHARGE,

Sound off...1, 2, 3...1...
1, 2, 3, 2...
1, 2, 3, 3...
1, 2, 3, 4...
I am Ironman, no...
I am made of steel, like Superman, no...
I am not that either...
I am the Tinman, so you know...

Reviews

[JayG]

Sound off...1, 2, 3...1...
1, 2, 3, 2...
1, 2, 3, 3...
1, 2, 3, 4...
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I can't speak for anyone else, but in my military service, and in any other service I've seen, it's done as Willie Duckworth wrote it in 1944. Duckworth was part of the segregated army, and he added the bit of syncopation at the end to make the singing more fun:

Sound off (sound off)
Sound off (sound off)
Cadence count
One-two-three-four (one-two, three-four)

Most readers will have heard some version of the song that Vaughn Monroe introduced in 1951, which reached #17 on Billboard magazine's top popular songs of 1951.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBLUsR_4f5E

That aside, you're letting your foreknowledge of your intended meaning of the words blind you to the reader's situation. While yu begin reading with full understanding of situations and meaning, the reader has only what the words suggest to THEM, based on their life experience, not your intent.

That's why we must do our editing from the seat of a reader, knowing only what they do. Having the computer read it to you is a big help in doing that.

If you've not dug into the skills of poetry, skills that have been under refinement for centuries, doing so can make a huge difference in getting the ideas from your mind to the reader's, intact.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Glen Yumang Manese]

JayG,

Thank you, for the constructive criticism...I will take your replies into consideration...right now I just want to cross the yellow brick road - finish line...one more to go & this Series V is done, then we can take editing into all it's glory...will look into those bulletins you shared...a pleasure hearing from you...thank you, again...I will return the favor...