Denial

Failure. I. Am. A. Failure.

All I could think of that day. There was nothing, nothing in the whole world that could fix me, could fix us. First there was you, then me. Perfect. Beautiful. The heat of our relationship was a flame, perched on the top of an endless match. And we would always match. At least, that’s what I thought.

You were made for me, meant for me, and now it meant nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can’t help thinking about all we’ve been through. How dare you ignore that. How dare you. I guess it was my fault. There was something wrong with me.

How else could you do this to me?

That sick feeling. That one that I hate. Like my soul is being wrenched out my throat. How dare I let you go when I knew I couldn’t trust you?

Time ceases to exist as I stand here and think about you. Images of us, our first date, our first kiss. We pretended like it was a simple thing. But it was so, so much more to me. How dare I let you lead me on? Just playing? Maybe you, never me.

No, it couldn’t be my fault. All the times I tried, tried to pretend everything was alright when you stayed out late. When I understood that she was just a friend. When I saw you, I saw you, with her.

And you denied it.

Right here, standing right here, on my porch. You hurt me.

Help me, please help me understand why you did it.

“So will you come?”

No, I understand. It’s not you, it’s me. I think. I’ll forgive you again. I nodded my head, smiling as you did. I don’t know why I said yes, there was just something in the way you apologized. And somehow, somehow it was my fault. I forced you away. I did, I shrugged you off when you needed me. I’m so sorry.

You took my hand. That warm, secure feeling, it never died. Just slept. That cold, cold cramp in my heart, it would go away.

We walked out to the car together, your car. It still smelled like that.. that woman. I swallowed it up, kept it from infecting what we had now. Your car rumbled to a start. It felt so normal. So normal I could convince myself nothing happened. Nothing happened. I could breathe again. Again, I started to notice how beautiful you were. Darling, I’m sorry I hurt you..

Author's Note

Wrote this up really fast some late night this past summer, and found it buried in my files. What do you think?

Reviews

[the_stoic]

hmm .. related to some of the emotions in bits and pieces ... it's easier to move on when one knows that his/her love cheated on them .. but how does it feel when you know that your love wanted to be with you but couldn't because of reason that were beyond their control ! literally try and come and up story with this thought in mind and the emotions will be a silent tearjerker . i hope to read that from your stable some day .