Jasmine

One evening at the court as we were playing as usual, I noticed Jasmine’s presence. That was the first time I ever saw her there.  It seemed she really was not there for the game. She was busy reading a novel and took little interest in us playing. From her face she seemed pained and distanced, as much as I really tried to avoid her it worked to no use, so I excused myself from the game to go home.

“Looks like someone finally has noticed they have eyes.” She said in a low voice as I approached her. “Anyway that was a nice game you were playing.” The whole time she avoided to let me see her face. She partially covered her eyes with the layered bang. She noticed that I was looking at her hence she pulled her bangs back and looked at me with a smile trying to hide the look that she is troubled. I sat next to her going through my back-pack trying to figure out how to start a conversation with her. I felt like really she was not the kind of person I could maintain a long conversation with but at the same time I didn’t want to look rude to her either.

After a few seconds of silence, she stood up and said, “Okay I am uncomfortable with this so I’ll just leave.”

“Hey-”

“Look I really don’t understand what is it with you. It’s been what? A month now and you are the only person who avoids me like I have some contagious illness,” She pitched. “You know what? Just forget it.”  I slumped sighing as she began to walk away.

I took my jumper out of the back-pack and quickly rushed to catch up with her. She increased her pace when she noticed I was following her and took her phone out her purse and began to make a call, at that moment she began to walk slowly and sooner I caught up with her. I noticed her jade green eyes filled with tears, she was crying and deep in me I began to feel I was the one responsible for all that. When she noticed I was walking by her, she ended the call then wore her round white shades that she had in her hands.

“Look Jasmine I’m sorry about that back there, I am just not having my best day.”

She looked at me without uttering any single word. This whole time we were standing by the road as she waited to cross to the other side.  As soon as the road was clear, she began to walk avoiding any chance of me talking to her. I was left standing by the road as she crossed to the other side. On reaching she halted as if she was waiting for someone. I did not know exactly what I could do because without doubt she was avoiding me. There was a part of me that was telling me to just let her go so that the following day at school I would apologize after she cool off, at the same time it was killing me to see her in that condition. I made up my mind up that I was not going to let her sleep with that bitterness at heart. Just as I began to cross over, a blue car pulled before her, she hopped in and went away. I could not see clearly who was in the vehicle as the windows were tinted. There my chance of being at peace with Jasmine Garret had gone and I convinced myself that she was going to hate me even more.

Bored that evening, I decided to stop by Leila’s café to check if I could help her in one or two but there wasn’t much to do, so I just went home.

 

Author's Note

Okay this is part of a chapter in my book. I have been going through it quite a number of times and i feel it is just dry. I want to make it nice and capturing. I am just not feeling it yet it is one part i cant chop out of the book. So i need your reviews and suggestions, I don mind even if they are harsh.

Reviews

[Rani]

I agree with Leslie in that you need to keep the plot moving. So far, I think the plot is good. It's a bit vague, which I'm assuming is intentional, and will be used to further develop the story.

I would suggest revising some of your sentences, though. Read through each one carefully. Take your time with them. Make sure to leave out unnecessary, repetitive words. Check for run-on sentences, and add a few commas.

You're on the right track!

[G!o]

Yeah I didn't want to pour everything yet out here at this moment since this is there first verbal encounter. Thanks I'll keep that in mind as I revise the chapter.

[A Soap Mess Stories]

Sounds like you're on the right track with this story. Great start.

[MOON]

You keep the story going good write.

[G!o]

Thanks...

[Leslie Philibert]

I´ve not got the whole story in mind, but what I find here here is fine, prose doesn`t need a wow effect, what it needs to do is to keep the narrative moving, and I bet you manage that, nice work.

[G!o]

Thanks...I was afraid that it was a flop