Desire

DESIRE

 

Genesis 3:16

"Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."

 

 

         Growing up in a dysfunctional family can discourage a child to have his or her own one day. Witnessing the failures of a lot of marriages of people around me was an affirmation that indeed, it's better to be alone to stay away from any trouble. Becoming the breadwinner of 3 nailed my thought to the idea that this is the whole duty and purpose of life. Locked up to this principle, I have no dream on my own. 

 

         The journey of life has become a journey of survival. There is nothing to look forward but to wait until you say to the world goodbye. No stars to gaze and to catch. An empty staring at the moon, waiting for the sun to rise to take once again another try of a viable step for the day. This is how the world revolved at the corner of my shallow perspective of life. But when circumstances pushed me to explore the world of others for me to keep surviving, there are lots of things that I found out from the other side of the world. Yes, there is more to life! But if you want to see what is in the horizon, you've got to be willing to be shaken out from the box which you are hiding. Stop holding and struggling, just jump out and you will see the wonders that life could offer.

 

          As I begin to explore the world of others. I have seen and discovered a lot of things. Each one has her or his own story to tell: stories of defeats and victories, pain and gladness, and triumphs and surrenders. As I open my ears to them, amazingly, the next time I know, I am already part of their story. The more I know them, the more I become careless to also show my own nakedness. The tragic part of the story is when you’ll find out that not everyone can be trusted with your soul. Then you’ll take all the step backs, and cage yourself again. Does it sound familiar? Yes, it does! Maybe not to all, but for sure to some of us. This is how my story started with Genesis 3:16.

 

          After all the regrets I went through, I was sitting at the corner, holding my Bible. Didn’t know which page to turn to. All I knew at that time was, I didn't want to be with people anymore. Pouring out to God all the questions in my mind? Telling Him, “You know what, I was okay being alone, but you pushed me out from my comfort zone. I was contented with my life, but why did you allow me to know these people who would just turn my heart into pieces. Now what? Where should I go, and what should I do? Why did you allow this people to betray me? I was praying and talking to you every day, asking you to lead me in the path of righteousness, and to make me walk in truth, but how come, You are allowing me to be deceived. You said, ask and it shall be given you, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened. If there is one thing that I keep on asking from you every time I pray is for You to guide me. Now, how come I was asking, seeking, and knocking for Your truth, but what I get are all deceits.  What is it that You really want from me? Please tell it to me plainly, for I don’t know anymore what to do. I don’t even know what I like, I don’t know myself anymore, and I don’t even know what to desire! All I want is You. Now tell me, what is Your desire for me, what should I desire!” With all the tears from my eyes and the flowing sip-on from my nose I took and opened the Bible, and when I opened it, lo, and behold! Genesis 3:16 "Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."  “What? This is ridiculous! Who is this husband? As I remembered, the last time I asked you what exactly Your will for me is, You led me to the Book of Isaiah 54, telling me that “My Maker is mine husband” I took it as You, and it was fine and very okay with me. But when I asked the Pastor about it, He told me that it’s not what it means, for God is talking to a church not to an individual, so I was out of context. Now here You are again." I was left hanging… and I stood up where I was seated but still didn't get what it really means, even until now. But in order to keep my sanity, I have to stop thinking about it.

 

          Amazingly, it didn’t take more than a week to let me recover from all the lies I thought it was. If there is something that I am so grateful to God, there is no other than to keep my sanity after all the dilemmas of faith He allowed me to experience. I’m alive. I could still teach, and I could still read the Bible and pray though I blatantly told Him, I don’t want to. I said to Him, “I don’t like to talk about You anymore.” but the next time I know, I still hear myself encouraging others to trust Him. Surprisingly, God brought me to someone who could relate to me. It’s prophet Jeremiah, when he said, “7 O Lord, thou hast deceived me, and I was deceived; thou art stronger than I, and hast prevailed: I am in derision daily, every one mocketh me. 8 For since I spake, I cried out, I cried violence and spoil; because the word of the Lord was made a reproach unto me, and a derision, daily.9 Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.” (Jeremiah 20:7-9) After reading this, I was relieved. Praise God, I’m normal!

 

             Moving forward, by the grace of God, I am still active in the ministry. Now the more I saturate myself to people’s lives that He allowed me to encounter, the more I see the need. But I always think of myself inadequate to minister to them. I see broken and shaky marriages. I see how devastated the children are because of the wrong choices of their parents. I know how painful it is for the children, for I have been there.  I want to do something, reach out the family, correct and encourage the parents, but at the back of my mind, who am I to do it? I am not the right person to correct a husband or a wife. Though I remember I tried it ones but I promised to myself not to do it again. I was asked by my youth Pastor to minister to these young couple, since he found out that they trust me, so I did. At first it was okay, but along the way, I smelled something fishy, the husband kept on complaining about his wife, and it turned out that he kept on giving me all the praises and the compliments; something that he should be giving to his wife, I supposed. I felt awkward, but I tried to fight the feeling, because I didn't like to give up on them. But finally, I decided to back off. It was during a group outing, wherever I was, he was there to take pictures of me. At that time, I can’t take it anymore, for me, it’s not normal. It’s alarming, so I quit. I knew in my heart that I did the right thing. But sadly, it did not take that long, they got separated; he found another woman. Something that made me feel so bad up to this day. Sometimes, I ask myself, what if I did not quit, would the marriage be saved?

 

             Today, I am still connected to the children’s ministry. The agony and the pain of some children because of their parents’ broken relationship are still splashing at my face. Oh how I want to reach them out. Oh how I wish to share with them how to love and understand each other’s weaknesses. Now all these “If Onlys” keep on bugging me. But I know I can’t. I’ve seen a lot of restrictions.

 

           I’m scared to reach out because I’m afraid of men. I don’t know, when it comes to men, I don’t really find myself comfortable with them, most specially if they are at my age or older than me. I’m only good and would feel comfortable to those who are a lot younger than me. I can give them the best of me. Yet the desire to minister to any men regardless of their age, whose relationship with their wives are shaky is still strong. I want to help them understand their wives, and to make their wives understand them as well. I believe that if only they understand what I understood about the love of God their relationship could have been better, and there would be no child who will suffer because of their parent’s immaturities. But I know that this will not happen for as long as I remain single: this is the sad truth that I realized lately, because the only way that I can be confident and fearless  in reaching out the husbands and the wives is to have someone to stand by me. But I don’t know if this would happen. I found it too late for my age. If the Lord will allow it to happen, the person must be ready to face the possibility and reality that he would not have children out of his own body, but only children in eternity. And that person should have the same burden and passion with me. Now, if the burden is not from the Lord, then I must be free. But if it’s His, then He will enable me. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 “Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.” Until when should I wait, or should I wait? I don't know. We’ll, it’s all up to God. If I will stay in the children’s ministry, then He must be working in my heart continuously, but if the Lord will not give me the strength to stand seeing the need and feeling helpless about it, then, it’s gonna be the end of my journey with the kids.

 

         

          Life is not meant to be complicated. It’s very simple. Each person is created by God according to his very own purpose and pleasure. Each person has a specific purpose. Whether single or married, everyone is meant to serve the Lord. That’s why, the main duty of each person is to know his or her purpose. Once you know it, hold on to it, until the Lord Jesus Christ shall come again and say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” Faithful to God’s calling, faithful to His purpose. However, if you feel helpless and useless, you better quit, and be in the place where you can see your usefulness. God wants us to be happy as we serve Him. For sure, He does not want us to feel guilty for the things we could not do. So be free!

          Today, the only thing that I am asking from the Lord is to remove from me anything and anyone that has nothing to do with His will and purpose for my life. I know it's going to be painful, but it's okay, for as long as I know that I am not breaking His heart. What I want is His desire for me, nothing less, nothing more. Because the truth is, my joy and peace is for me to be sure that the Lover of my soul, the Lord Jesus Christ, will be happy as He looks on me walking with Him with a willing heart to obey every step of the way. This is my heart's desire.