Mammoth Cheese

Hehehe. This was an assignment for my drama class - I had to contribute a script for our local Heritage Fair, which was only a few minutes long and featured an important moment in local history.

Context: A scene from a play.  In Canada, we have Heritage Minutes that run on TV. Basically it is a one minute movie about an important moment in Canadian history.  The idea of our play is that there are two executives working for the people who make Heritage Minutes, and that they are sitting there and listening to people's ideas.  Each one of the actors in the play had to contribute a Heritage Minute pitch.  Here is mine.  Keep in mind that this was written for an audience of smallish children.  We had it set up so that on one side of the stage was the scripted play, and on the other side were about six mimes, acting out the historical events that the people pitching the Minutes were describing.  

Characters: Jaclyn and Marie (both are pitching the idea to executives), Ms. Harrison and Mrs. Davis (executives working for the company that makes Heritage Minutes.) 

Lights come on.  Jaclyn and Marie are standing in front of the executive's desk, looking nervous.  Executives looking slightly bored and frustrated.    

Jaclyn: Ladies of the board, if we may?

Ms. Harrison: Go ahead. 

Marie: Ms. Harrison, Mrs. Davis, we believe that we have found the solution to your problems, the answer to your questions, the Grail to your long and arduous quest... Cheese!  

Mrs. Davis: Cheese? Cheese?  Honestly, what is wrong with you people?  We have been sitting here all day listening to idiots pitch us ideas that have either been done a million times this year, or should never be attempted once in a million years and the best you can do is cheese?

Jaclyn: It's not just cheese... it's the Mammoth Cheese!

Ms. Harrison: Ew, who would want mammoth cheese?

Mrs. Davis: It would be, like, 10 000 years old!

Marie: No, no, no... cow cheese, 10 000 cows, 2500 kilograms, 10 months... the prizes! First prize, Chicago, the Lipton man loved it! 

Ms. Harrison: So, just to clarify, we are talking about THE mammoth cheese. 

Mrs. Davis: Not mammoth cheese?!

Jaclyn: It was 1892, and the farmers of Eastern Ontario had a dream... a big, grand dream, a dream that they had never dared to dream before.  They dreamed of a cheese bigger than any cheese that had gone before it!  They painstakingly gathered the milk of 10 000 willing bovine donours.  They worked long, hard hours making the cheese, and they watched it with painstaking care while it reached perfect maturity... and then...

Executives, together: And then... ??? 

Marie: Chicago Fair, 1892!  The cheese fell through the stage, but we still won first prize! Everyone loved it; all our hard work finally paying off! Mr. Lipton bought it, shipped it over to England! The history of cheese was forever altered! 

Ms. Harrison: That was very well done.  Thank you!

Mrs. Davis: We will let you know of our decision shortly.  Next! 

Author's Note

Keep in mind that this was a joke.