The Experiment, Pilot

I am thinking of turning this into a long story, maybe like a novella, but I'd like to get some feedback on it first. I do have more of it written, but the first few paragraphs are the best parts.

I am Katty.  Not Kitty, not Kathy, and certainly not Catty.  I am eleven years old, and I am part of a grand Experiment.  

     Keeper tells me this when he is scolding me.  He will slap me on the face, and say, "Katty, you are part of this grand Experiment.  Your behavior is not acceptable."  I do much to displease Keeper, and quite a lot of it is unintentional.  I am either too smart or not smart enough, I talk too much or too little, and I am altogether too thin.  "Scrawny, like a little chicken," he said to an Overseer one day.  For my slender legs and hollow stomach, I am now given butter on my bread and extra meat until I manage to fatten up.  Keeper watches over me carefully, to make sure none of the nasty fat boys knocks me over and steals my food.  I enjoy my bread noisily, and mock them when they glower at me.  

     A couple of nights ago, I got myself into quite a scrape.  We were sitting in Class, and listening to Teacher lecture us on Leaders and Experimentation.  "Your parents gave you to us, in the hopes that we could better our world for future generations."  I swung my legs forward, and then knocked them hard against my desk seat.  The desk rocked a little, and so I did it again.  I was sitting in the back of Class, so Teacher did not notice me.  She kept droning on.  "And so, we put you to good use." Thunk.  "We fed you better, we cleaned you better" - thunk - "we disciplined you better, and" - here, she drew a deep breath (thunk) and fixed a smile to her face - "we taught you better."  Thunk.  "We have raised you to be clever and calculating, to depend upon your head rather than your heart.  We have" - THUNK - "raised you to be completely superior to any children who have ever come before you."  And with that pronouncement still ringing in the air, I went for a final thunk, and my entire desk fell over sideways.  

     Of course, Teacher was extremely angry.  She gave me a slap to the cheek after extricating me from my fallen desk, but her slap was nothing compared to the beating that Keeper gave me that night.  He wept as he did it, tears streaking down his shiny cheeks, but his blows fell mercilessly.  I had bruises to show off for weeks afterwards. 

Author's Note

Please comment :)

Reviews

[Jack E Khthon]

it was a fun read...but I couldn't quite grasp what was going on or what the plot is setting up to be...Seemed pretty vague at this point, but the character seemed interesting enough and the plot seemed that it had the potential to be interesting.

All and all keep going...

[Truman S. Booth]

LOVED the opening sentence. Clever, quick, and hooking. Well done there.

Before I say my part, I have two grammatical suggestions: at the end of the second paragraph, "to make sure none of the nasty fat boys knocks me over and steals my food" should say "fat boys knock and steal my food" for proper conjugation. Also, though I loved the "thunks" interrupting Teacher's lecture, it feels like there are too many. Maybe take out a few--have only three thunks before she falls over.

Overall, I really enjoyed this. I've been looking for interesting Science Fiction in the Cafe and have found very little. Though short, this story really grabbed my attention. I'll be looking forward to more.