Pasprefut

She took a broom
and wiped the dust
but it just settled
in the past.

She took a mop
and washed the floor
but it just watered
present's thoughts.

She took a gun 
and aim the sun
because of gloom
or for the fun
or with the hope
that future'll come.

Reviews

[xMiss_Psychosis_Phantom..]

First off, welcome to WritersCafe, I am The Quill, and if you ever need me for anything, I will be here to help. Now to your poem. There are a few things I like and I one thing I do not.

1) Simple - This poem is simple. I enjoy simple poems because they are easier to read and they get the point across quickly instead of going through a series of different stanzas that have little attention.

2) Imperfect Rhyme - More like perfect rhyme, I enjoy the use of imperfect rhyme and eye rhyme. You are using imperfect rhyme several times in this piece and it made me happy to see that someone else uses it. Not many writers on here, that I have seen, use it because many people do not enjoy it as much compared to me. Good to see a change in some poetry rather than seeing the same techiques being used over and over until they are worn out.

3) Stanzas - Alright, this is where I have to judge your writing style a bit. I have made this mistake several times when writing, but usually when writing poetry, the stanzas have the same amount of lines the whole way through the poem unless you are doing concrete, or free verse, but aside from that, you did a good job.

I enjoyed this piece, and I hope that I can see more from you. :) Pens up

[Migraine]

Thanks a lot for your professional feedback! I totally agree with you about the stanzas. Actually the poem originally looked like this:
She took a broom
and wiped the dust
but it just settled
in the past,
where everything
is in the dust.

She took a mop
and washed the floor
but it just watered
present's thought
that she is ruined
in her sobs.

She took a gun
and aim the sun
because of gloom
or for the fun
or with the hope
that future'll come.
but when a reread it I decided to throw away these necessary lines cause they are too... how to say... farfetched and pathetic. English is my second language and it's a challenge for me to write poems in english.

[xMiss_Psychosis_Phantomx]

More respect to you then for going for a challenge. English is the second hardest language to learn, but I give you credit because this poem was still well written. I would agree, it looks a bit better now than the orginal, so I like the change. You are welcome, by the way. :)