Saiya

Saiya

“This will be good for us Saiya! You’ll see!”

My father yelled out to me, as I waved him off and headed out the door. It’s what he always said whenever we had to move, and I had to start another year, at another school. He meant well I knew that. I always knew he had my best interests at heart, but something about constantly moving and switching schools...drove a girl a bit crazy.

I hoisted up my shoulder to pick up my already brand new oversized backpack. My dad always felt the need to overcompensate. Ever since it was just the two of us.

“You never know, you might have to bring a boyfriend back in your bag!” He said as he lifted it up onto the convenient store register. The cashier gave a little chuckle and sideway glanced my way. I rolled my eyes at her and pointed towards my dad. She seemed to understand my poor teenage girl, with embarrassing dad story.

Dear God, this back was heavy as crap. Apparently my Dad wasn’t the only one in the town who liked to overcompensate. The amount of books the school had told me I needed to buy before starting my freshman year was unreal. Like really? A 900 page book about the history of Darkridge? Not that I didn’t love to read but, Jesus. What in the hell could have happened in this small town for it to warrant a 900 page book? There better be giant snakes and depressed emo ghosts stalking the bathroom stalls.

I took a deep breath and soldiered on until I reached my new bus stop. There was already a group of kids standing there, the closer I got the more the thought to go up and try to integrate myself became. Maybe make a friend or two? The closer I got though the more I realized that idea probably wasn’t going to happen. The kids who from farther away had looked like they didn’t have a care in the world or were to busy with their cliques all lifted up their heads towards me. Their eyes scanned me up and down like they were trying to get a retina scan confirmation into the pentagon.  I instantly felt like I was being violated with X-Ray vision.

Oh. Guess news travels fast in small towns.

I get it. I made the decision back when I was 12 to change my outsides to how I felt on the inside. More people than I can count kept telling me that I wasn’t old enough to know what I wanted, but that’s not true. When you are in a situation like me...you just know.

I had never felt...comfortable the way that I was. I was legally born a boy, but inside I never felt like I really belonged on that side of the spectrum. I spent most of my middle school life finding excuses to get my parents to leave me alone so I could try on a dress or a pair of my mom’s new heels. Eventually one day my parents caught me.

‘Max….what’re you doing son?’

I had been terrified, not knowing what to say my eyes drifted towards the ground, the tears just started flowing out. I had never wanted to hurt my parents or little brother in anyway, which,  is why for so long I hid it from them. I just always remembered thinking that in that moment I was going to be disowned, left out on the streets like those poor Lost Boys in Peter Pan, except there wasn’t a flying boy that was going to save me and take me away. Especially not a boy that wore dresses. Well Peter Pan kinda had a skirt thing on… but nevermind that.

I just stood there. It felt like there was a spotlight on me, and I was alone on a stage with nobody out there looking at me or cheering me on. I was alone, I felt cold, I felt numb. I felt like I just wanted to press pause on some kind of life remote and break it so I never had to press play and see what was going to happen to me. But... then something happened. I felt a pair of arms reach  around me and for a second my tears stopped. The life remote hit play and the world started to move again.  

I looked up and saw my little brother holding me. Just, holding me. It was such a small gesture, but looking back on it, it was the absolute only thing that got me through the hardest part of my life.I looked up at my parent to see them crying, out of shame I had guessed at the time.

‘Max is there something you want to tell us bud?’ My father asked. I remember seeing his eyes. So full of love, love that I know now I had just been to scared to accept. I felt like I was letting the family down somehow.  Why wasn’t he mad?

‘I….I…..this is me.’ Was all I could say. It seemed like the only thing that could sum up, what years of hiding and lying had all amounted to. Apparently that was all my Dad needed, after that day he  made sure to spend more time figuring out exactly what his ‘son’ needed. He helped me make it through some of the hardest years of my life. Transitioning into the ‘me’ that I always felt like I needed to be. My mother hadn’t been so accepting, she left us a year later. My father begged me not to blame myself but deep down inside he knows it was because of me.

Eventually I stopped blaming myself. After all of the treatments and heartache….I finally felt at home in my own body. I felt like the person I was supposed to be. Saiya.  Sure I still got picked on or like right now stared at, by people wondering if I was still a ‘boy’ where it counted or not. But nothing would ever be as hard as the day I had to explain to my parents that I was happier like this. I was stronger now, and I wasn’t going to let a couple of people who were scared of something they didn’t understand take that from me.

I lifted my head high and smiled as the bus pulled up. Grateful that I wouldn’t have to wait for long, while the kids mentally dissected my genitalia. The bus driver gave me a nice smile and told me to pick any seat on the bus. A nice change, someone who wasn’t completely entranced with the news of a new transgender girl in town. I found a seat near the back, I tried to get the guys attention and ask if it was okay to sit next to him but he didn’t seem to notice with his headphones in.  

As I flipped my backpack over my shoulder to place on the floor the bus driver shot out a warning and the doors closed. A second later he slammed his foot on the gas and I flew, landing on the boy with headphones.

“Whoa there you …..” He said to me, his arms grabbed mine and he hoisted me up.

“Hey look a*****e you can’t just go…” I started to argue with him thinking that he was going to say something about a ‘freak’ ending up in his lap. I had, had just about enough of the circus treatment today, I wasn’t going to take it anymore.  A fit of laughter stopped me in my tracks and I looked up at his face.

“Chill! I was just asking if you were alright!” His voice was full of sincerness and a light that I hadn’t heard from anybody towards me but with my parents.

“Oh wow I’m so sorry. I’ve just been having a rough morning and I thought you might be yelling at me because….well nevermind. Saiya.” My hand seemed to extend on its own accord towards his, as I plopped myself down on the seat. Silently cursing my backpack for being the cause of so much discomfort this morning.

“It’s no problem, I don’t mind pretty girls falling on top of me in the morning. Jeez you are so tense!” He said to me giving me a little wink. Well that was different than the usual .

“Well don’t get to used to it. Usually I like to know a guy's name before I fall on them.”

“Well my names Zane.” He said holding out his arms wide like he was trying to give me a hug. I lifted an eyebrow and tilted my head.

“Nice to meet you but, what are you doing?” I asked indicating to his arms being opened so wide.

“You said you only fell for guys whose names you knew. You know my name now so you can fall on me again right?” This time I couldn’t suppress my smile, this guy had a good sense of humor.

“Are you always this tense?” He asked me, seeming to sense the way my body always felt like it was ready to run or fight, I didn’t even know.

“No...sorry I’ve just, it’s a long story.” I said seeming to think it was better to keep small talk then opening ‘that’ can of worms.

“Ah well you’ll have to tell me sometime! Hey….” He started to say but was cut off by some guy in the back of the bus. The way they addressed each other I would go so far as to say they’d known each other for awhile.

“You don’t want it Z-Man! That thing will give you some weird f*g disease. It’s a dude bro!” I opened my mouth to say something, but instead of turning around and kicking the guys a*s like I should have, I ended up making eyes contact with Zane in front of me. He looked shocked and I lost it, the bus jolted to a stop and I booked it. Not wanting anyone to see my tears as I headed for the girls bathroom.

The rest of my day went by….well there really wasn’t an adjective to describe the rest of my day but it went by. I had left my backpack on the bus so I didn’t have any of my supplies, but being new the teachers didn’t seem to be that worried. Assuring me that next time I would be more prepared. It was never really a question either, more like I needed to be prepared...or else.

The final bell rang in my bio class and I threw my eyes towards the floor and quickly made my way through the hallway. I was finally stopped when I girl doing a similar thing shouldered me and sent a couple of handouts I had gotten from my classes down to the floor.

I sighed and reached down to grab my stuff, while I was down there, ever so gracefully cleaning up, I saw a  flyer with a picture of a girl. I don’t know what made me pick the flyer up or why the girls face spoke out to me so much but I did and so I grabbed it. Lifting it up I read the small little excerpt written on the side.

The girl in the pictures name was Laurie. Apparently she had been a student at the school who was murdered. I read further, trying to get details of her murder. My heart started trying to bang its way out of my chest. My head hurt  and I couldn’t breath. I looked near the bottom where I figured they would say something about what they found on the scene or something to give people peace of mind. To give me peace of mind.

‘The only evidence found at her body was a mirrored mask.’

Damnit...It’s not him.

“It’s awful isn’t it?” A random girl asked as she leaned over my shoulder to stare at the picture. Her blonde hair trickled it way on my arm and the sensation made me jump a little bit and she silently gave me a little apology. I was so tense I could feel the pocket knife that I always carried around with me in my back pocket, I swore under my breath angry that I had let my guard down.

“Yeah. Do the cops know anything about ….this?” I asked shaking the picture a little bit so she got the hint.

“Well I don’t know if it’s true or not but they said they found a tape or something next to her body? Left by the killer? Creepy right? This town isn’t exactly lucky when it comes to life expectancy. Did you know a couple of years ago there was a murderer here?”

I shuddered at the word ‘murder’. It seemed like such a small word for something so...permanent. I blinked a couple of times hoping that she didn’t notice my attempt to hide the start of tears.

“Yeah I heard about that...Mirror Face guy right?”

She looked a little taken back that I knew there was a killing spree in town, even more that I knew the killer's name.

“Well nobody knows if it was a guy or a girl but yeah...that creep totally got shot up somewhere. Who knows maybe he’s come back to haunt us!”

She giggled for a second then looked back down at the picture in my hand. Shaking her head she walked away, seemingly embarrassed that she could have found light in the situation, even if only for a second.

I let out a whistle of relief, the bus ride to school was a lot smoother than it was this morning.

I’m not going to admit to myself that I was looking for that Zane guy from this morning, but my eyes were skimming around for something that may or may not have looked like him. After a few seconds of realizing that he hadn’t ridden the bus home I sighed and leaned my head back against the seat. Just happy with the fact that I had gotten a seat so far in the back that nobody could bother me.

Before I stepped off the bus the bus driver lifted his hand, my backpack strap draped over one of his fingers. Seriously? He was holding my backpack with a finger? When this morning I was about 99% sure that a travel mule couldn’t even walk this down the block. I silently thanked him and grunted as I lifted my backpack back onto my shoulder.

When I got home I ran up to my room, glad that my father wasn’t home yet. That meant I had time. I reached underneath my bed and pulled out a tin box. Inside was a the last picture that I had taken of my little brother. He sat on my bed,  his eyes bright and full of life. The picture had the promise of the future ahead of him and he knew it. He had always been a little smart aleck, always wiser than the other kids in his class. I guess that’s what everyone wants to say about their siblings...but it rang more true for him. He was perfect.

I moved the picture to the side, lingering my hand over it for a second. I don’t know why I always did that, maybe just hoping that one of these days I’d get to feel his smooth hands against mine. Or feel the little overalls he had been wearing in the picture. Hear him talking about how much he loved trains and how he wanted to be like me when he grew up.

It always confused me why he wanted to be like me. He had always been so sure of what he wanted to do. I was always indecisive. He had been so optimistic. I carried a knife around with me because I was scared of what the outside world could do. What the outside world had done to our family. I finally found the strength to pull my hand off of the picture and placed it back into the box.

I reached my hands farther into the box and feel them clasp on what I was looking for. The reason that I needed to be alone. The only reason I had for existing for so long. It was slippery and tried to slide out of my hands but I held it firm and placed in on my face.

I pushed myself out of bed and walked towards my mirror not looking up until I was in the right state of mind. When I finally decided to look at myself, I couldn’t breathe. The mask fit perfectly. Every curve and line melded in with my face. It was made for me. The whole town was scared of what it symbolized. Why wasn’t I?