His Two Words

"Two words... Fit girls!!"
But I'm looking around myself at 3:30am and I can see a clear silk draped over everything
Little ripples as it gathers slightly at corners
Like when I dip a finger into my bath water.

But MY CEILING IS COLLAPSING!!
There's no time for your f*****g exclamation marks. Because MY CEILING IS FALLING DOWN.
Itchy air
Pouncing into my lungs and hurling itself at the walls, panic-stricken
Whilst my body is supported by your f*****g exclamation marks
Hunched back beneath the sink
Legs sprawled out
and I'm praying and I'm praying and I'm praying
And I'm praying
MY CEILING IS CAVING IN
Just for something to stop

But recently lots of people in school have forced out hurled sentences
"I wish I was in bed right now"
"I wish I was on holiday"
And I will think about how I might contribute to the conversation but
I just fall onto the ground
~there's not a single place in the entire universe where I would like to be~
Soundproof glass between me and them but I can still hear them.
And
I've heard every tangle of words you've came up with.

Author's Note

Please let me know if you find my poetry powerful. Thank you x

Reviews

[Tai Ryens]

Absolutely marvelous and certainly a powerful, spectacular piece of poetry depicting the feeling of isolation from everybody despite being in their presence. Waiting for the crashing of your world, observing the world as an audience member rather than a participant, and I just have to say your last four lines were absolutely breathtaking, both in their presentation and the emotion behind them. Well done!

[Georgiana]

Wow it seems like you've understood me! Thank you so much for this lovely review, I really appreciate it! You have made me feel very good about myself.

[DaughterNature]

First, I have to point out a grammar moment: in the very last line, it should be "come," NOT "came."

Now on to the poetry itself. Some parts of this are interesting, but I'm not sure if this should be one poem, or two, or perhaps even three. It feels like you have three different ideas in this piece, one in each stanza. The imagery in the first stanza is lovely, especially the silk. Is it referring to body image? If so, very nice.

The second stanza is my favorite - I love the repetition of the line about the ceiling. I also love the formatting of the two lines about praying. Normally I don't prefer cursing in poetry, but in this instance, I think it works. The one part of this stanza that I don't particularly care for is the word "whilst". Remember that when you're writing a poem that's full of colloquial language, using an archaic-sounding word like that breaks the flow.

The third stanza feels a little 'teen-ankst-y' to me... be careful of that tone in poetry! Most of the lines don't read well to me, but I think the last 2/3 lines are salvageable. The "Soundproof glass..." line is interesting, and I get what you were going for, but it sounds a little awkward. Would it be better if you said there was glass between but you could still see their mouths moving, or if you could feel their screams? The wording for the final line is great (except for the "come"/"came" thing).

[ANTO]

Certainly powerful and thanks Einstein for directing me here. Often wondered if I was one of the so-called normals that are abundant around us and if so why can't I talk to them or get excited about things they get excited about but more often found myself just opting out and going on autopilot. It may never change but writing does help.

[FOih;]

very powerful. to crave cradles of glass remind of houses upon sand, both easily lost.

[AprilRN1210]

when your heart is breaking it feels as if your world is collapsing in on you, you can't breathe, and you wish everyone would just go away and shut up... you expressed that well here... emotion is definitely present and palpable... well done...

[Georgiana]

Thank you so much! Very understanding of you. I'm so pleased to hear that I managed to convey those emotions. I really appreciate that you took the time to read and review.

[redflutterby]

Sometimes we just don't fit in and we feel as though there is nothing that we have or can contribute. Our hearts and heads are empty...we feel nothing, want to feel nothing. There isn't a hole deep enough where we can crawl in and hide. Yes your poetry is powerful...x

[Georgiana]

Thank you! It's so great to know that you understood so much about this piece. I'm very grateful that you took the time to read and review.

[TL Boehm]

Somber with that echo of chaos. The reality of others as they go through a normal life - while we struggle to hold it in, hold it up, hold it together. A profound write.

[Georgiana]

Thank you so much! It's really lovely to hear that I successfully conveyed those emotions. I really appreciate that you took the time to read and review. (Sorry that this is such a late reply)

[Lyn Anderson]

Einstennoodle sent me this and I am glad he did. It is a thinking poem, an interesting poem, full of darkness under the nearly benign surface.

[Georgiana]

Thank you! I'm very very grateful

[stars are far]

this is very great and powerful work, you did a great work here ..well done

[Georgiana]

Thank you very much

[stars are far]

my pleasure