Homebound High

A short story, taking place over one day, about a young woman coming home after a long absence.

Homebound High

1

A girl, 27, sits at a round table in an airport cafe, waiting for her flight to board. It's empty inside, other than the one customer getting up and leaving. The girl is looking at her email on the jet black laptop placed in front of her. At the top of the screen it reads "Welcome babybear23927." She clicks to switch the user account. With a lazy body posture and a bored expression on her face, she slowly starts to type on the keyboard. She finishes pecking out "[email protected]" and enters her password. "Your email address or password is incorrect" the notification read. She knew it wouldn't work. It was the account from her now ex-job, which had been reclaimed by the paper. She had quit several weeks prior, but she hated using her old personal email from years ago, and had been too disenchanted and non-accepting of her reality to create a new account. She stood up, methodically packed her belongings into her courier bag, and headed to her gate.

As she walked down the corridor passing shops, stands, and other travelers, she couldn't help but think that she'd made a mistake by leaving her job, and the rest of her post-adolescent life with it. Despite the fact that she had run all the numbers, so to speak. She empirically knew that she had actually done the right thing. Yet, the typically associated feelings of doing the 'right thing' hadn't set in, if they would at all.

She looked down at her ticket to check the gate number for the 100th time. She knew the number, but felt she had to check it anyway. That feeling kept returning, even though she could instantly recite it. The urge to be absolutely sure won her over every time. This was not her typical process, and it wasn't lost on her that it was metaphorically reflective of what was happening on a larger scale in her life. Simultaneous confidence that she knows what she's doing, and yet a falsely firing instinct that she must check once again to be sure anyway. Gate 18, here it was. It was time to go home.

2

Ashley sat at her window seat, looking outward to the scene below. The plane was currently over widespread cloud coverage of the area. The clouds were completely flat, and stretched out as far as the horizon. Infrequent lightning filled most of their volume. She had never seen anything like it from the air. She contemplated how, just under the clouds, there was a very different world. An overcast day had such a distinct feel, one she was never too fond of for very long. The thought of soaring above a storm that she was stuck in was particularity calming to her today. Bursting out of the lack of visibility, the gloom, and the encapsulating grey, into the vibrant, clear, crisp world she was looking at right now, high above any trouble.

She got lost in the thought and in conjunction with the view, truly felt like she was weightless for a moment. That moment didn't last long, as suddenly she was being poked by someone reaching their hands through the seats behind her. "Hey, Ashley, is that you?" a man asked softly and without a drop of confidence.

She turned around to the right to avoid being uncomfortably close to the woman on her left. She thought about that kind of thing a lot. She tried to get a good look through the crack, peering one eye through, looking ridiculous as she quickly shifted her head, jamming it against the cabin wall, trying to get it right. It wasn't working, and she was in no mood to laugh at herself. She unbuckled her lap belt and quickly stood up enough to see over her seat. She got a good look, and recognized the man as they made eye contact. He couldn't help but let out a slight, audible giggle as she continued this almost neurotic movement, sitting back down in a hurry.

She was caught off guard; a moment ago she was feeling as if she was floating, and awakening from that day dream of sorts put her off. She composed herself and took out a piece of paper from a journal she had put in the seat back pouch. She flipped down the trey, pulled out the pen that was clipped to the inside of the metal coil binding and started writing. "Hi Mark" she scribbled down. She passed the journal back to a confused Mark through the opening on her right.

Mark took the paper and began to write a message in return. He finished and passed it back. "I thought you were going to just ignore me after you sat back down just now- like maybe you didn't recognize me. I was just trying to work up the nerve to poke you again." it said in almost illegible handwriting.

"Nah, probably didn't need to poke me the first time even. What if I was sleeping? -How have you been?" the half half-hearted note she passed back said.

She remembered Mark well, and she wasn't really in the right state of mind for any of this. As she browsed her memories of him, she realized that she had never really been in the mood for him or his company, at all, ever. She could feel the ugly edge of her own condescending thinking.

Mark returned the paper. He had written in large letters and his newest entry disproportionately filled the remainder of the page. "I've been great, how about you? How's Shane? Why are you coming back to Denver? I haven't seen you in so long, I can't believe it's really you!"

The number of questions overwhelmed her, despite their relative simplicity. The last several weeks, months even, of her life had been almost dreamlike, barley setting in as reality. Everyone in her immediate life knew what was happening. She then realized she hadn't had to tell the story to someone she knows, but who had absolutely no idea about what had transgressed. How it started, how it intensified. The ending of the story was still in progress at that very moment, as coming home was her last option to try and get past this chapter in her life. However, she had no desire to say how Shane was, even though she knew very well. She also didn't want to explain to Mark, or anyone else from back home, why she quit her job, abandoned her life, and was coming back to her hometown.

She slowly turned the spiral journal to the next page and began to force a response out. As she did, she found herself feeling more defensive, as internal frustration of not wanting to share these details became external. "I've been ok. Frankly Mark, my current state is more complicated then can be easily explained in a note. It's personal, it's dark, and honestly, I barley know you." She handed it back, already recognizing and regretting the unnecessarily blunt tone.

Mark was taking his time writing his next response. He slipped the journal through the seat, and leaned back with a sigh. "Sorry" was all that was readable, as he had scratched out everything else he wrote. She felt bad but didn't know what to say, and was embarrassed to feel relieved that the note didn't seem to necessarily require a response. She closed her eyes and slowly fell into a rather uncomfortable half-slumber.

3

As the rear tires of the aircraft made contact with the pavement, a loud screech and a jerk pierced Ashley's half awake, yet highly vivid dream. She was dreaming that she was standing in the middle of a fierce storm. Flash floods were starting to overtake the entire area and the attempts to block the unrelenting flow were useless. The water level rapidly and unnaturally increased at an impossible rate. Internally she felt utterly defeated. Downtrodden and hopeless, with almost no conceivable reason to even continue fighting. She just wanted him back and to rise out of the storm like she had imagined while watching the clouds before falling asleep.

She made an effort to grasp real life and wake up while everyone around her began shuffling around. As she placed her things into her courier bag, she made sure to double, triple, and quadruple check for any left behind items. She made a mental note of the dream as she got completely ready to go. She had recently become acutely aware of how her thoughts spilled into, and shaped her dreams so directly. That storm was all she could think about before Mark got her attention, and it dominated her dream. Row by row the plane slowly emptied as she sat, still partially stuck in the feelings of her unconscious experience.

She stood up as her row's turn to deboard arrived. She looked at Mark, who didn't know whether to smile politely, or find a way to pretend he wasn't extremely conscious of her presence. He made, and then quickly broke eye contact with her. She could see how her actions, albeit small, had impacted him. As she took her other carry on out from the overhead compartment, she looked at him once more. He was pretending to be highly interested in the unloading of their plane's baggage, patiently waiting for her to hurry up and end the obvious awkwardness. After placing her bag on the ground and extending the handle, she walked down the aisle, steadily increasing her speed as she passed through the bridge and entered the airport.

There was a large floor to ceiling window facing the Rocky Mountains, letting in a tremendous amount of summertime afternoon sunlight. The view was something she hadn't seen in over five years since leaving and failing to ever visit as planned. She slowly walked toward the window, soaking in the scene wholly. Visually, for the golden plains on the edge of the city stretching back into the dense, man-erected foliage and concrete vertical structures of the urban sprawl. The landscape extended past the city to the mountains, their silhouettes a haze with different shades made up of blue and purple, layered as they propagated deeper into the scene. But she also soaked in the moment emotionally, for the multitude of good and bad feelings mixed so aggressively in her, that her overall state was nearly impossible to quantify at any given second. For it contained a little bit of everything. Especially right then, right there, looking out that window at what she truly considered to be her home.

It was such an incredibly bright day. A stark contrast to her still lingering dream. She felt utterly inspired to explore this space, and take in all the city's changes and evolution since her departure. At that moment the decision was made to rent a car instead of taking a cab. She still hadn't fully decided where she was staying, she had to know more about her parents situation before that was even an option. A hotel was the most likely for the short term. No one knew exactly when she was arriving, and at this moment that idea laid in her mind just right, fitting perfectly with the yearning to roam her homeland in the immediate. Temporarily granting her freedom from social encumbrances, of which there would be many.

She took a deep breath and turned from the window. She reached into the front pouch of her bag and pulled out her headphones for the tram ride to baggage claim. Walking toward the tram, she suddenly found her self in a special kind of way. Things seemed to be moving in slow motion. Everything was rich, sharp and colorful. Her breaths felt deeper and fuller, despite the reality of thinner air. Her steps felt light and her movement was gentle. As she continued though the concourse she noticed the feeling becoming stronger, completely enhancing her mood. Maybe it was the song she was listening to, a plotting and slow, yet uplifting ambient track. Perhaps it was an effect of being in this airport again, and what it represented. Or, just simply a byproduct of coming home and looking out that window, seeing things she hadn't in so long. But as she went on, this feeling only set in deeper.

She boarded the tram and was reminded of traveling here as a child on family trips, not to mention as a young adult leaving home. When she was young she loved the tram rides. She remembered the airport's creation, and opening as a kid. The tram had large windows, and moved through concrete tunnels, full of lights and playful pinwheels. It was electrically powered, and she had never ridden on a electric train at the time. The way it seemed to glide, with its very quiet motor and smooth motion. She remembered once, as a kid on an early morning flight to California with her family, a man noticed she was disappointed that she didn't get to sit in her favorite seat. The end of the tram car had a very large window, covering nearly the whole backside, with a bench to get a good view. He moved so she could sit and watch the pinwheels, which made her very happy. It had become a tradition for her and her family on every trip to look for them, and watch them spin as the tram whizzed by. And here she was again, many years later. Feeling as if some part of her is still that same child, riding the gliding train through the tunnels with the best seat in the house.

4

There was a delay getting the baggage off the plane, and most of the passengers had already arrived at the carousel by the time Ashley got there. She had more then taken her time in her emotionally transportive state. She stepped up to the crowd of her fellow passengers in clearly no rush whatsoever. Mark was there. He noticed her right away, and immediately sensed the shift in her demeanor since the plane. He wanted to go talk to her. It seemed like it was a great moment, given the circumstances. They had time to kill, and she was clearly in a much better mood then before. He could do better than last time, he tried to convince himself.

As he started to over-meticulously run through the possible outcomes that could arise from his potential action, as he often did, Ashley quietly walked up and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey" she said calmly.

"Hello..." he replied, caught off guard by her undetected approach.

"I'm sorry about what I said before, or... what I wrote." she humbly offered as an apology.

"It's fine" he said, as he started thinking about what to say next. The last time he tried to ask even the most basic questions, it caused friction. So he wanted to tread lightly. But how can you get much lighter than 'what are you in town for?' he thought.

Suddenly Ashley said "I'm in the middle of some stuff right now, stuff that I haven't even started to process properly. And there's a lot more coming. I haven't been back here in five years" she stated very openly.

"Yeah, that's what I thought... I was really surprised seeing you headed here, let alone by the coincidence of being on the same flight. I honestly thought you might not ever come back." Mark said, feeling happy she was guiding the conversation.

What he said, although casual, had a big impact on her. She knew it was true. The harbored guilt of not visiting, while real, would've never been a strong enough driver to return home for on its own. Which in turn caused another layer of guilt, one that lately would be the kind she'd drown in for a while. However her particularly light mood made it easier to look at her mistakes without self hate. "You're right, I didn't think I would be coming back for a while either. I really liked it there." was all she could come up with. Things never escalated to a degree of true comfort between them through their short lived interactions.

He then recognized that her return home was a large portion of her current strife, and knew to be careful. "Coming back home is always an intense experience. I mean, can you really think of a more hands on way to casually study your own personal relationship with time? Contrasting your formative memories to the very spaces they took place, but in a modern form. It's truly an effective way to explore old memories..." he passionately stated, trailing off towards the end as his confidence diminished, worrying if he made any sense.

He did, and in a very relevant way. Because right in that moment she was still riding high from the very perceptual experience he was describing. It was the single most interesting and relateable thing she'd ever heard him say. How could she possibly verbalize the accuracy in which he had just expressed her state, she wondered. Especially with someone she never established a strong channel of communication with. As she tried to formulate a reply, the baggage claim conveyor belt started moving and suitcases began sliding down the chute. They both looked over and Ashley saw her bag."There's my bag." She squeaked, feeling a little uneasy in the possibility of not talking to him more.

"Ok. We should stay in touch. I don't think I have your number, but I have your email address. [email protected], right?" he asked.

Her eyes widened slightly as she heard her old email address spoken aloud for the first time since quitting. "Uh... no, actually. Not anymore. Here's my number though." She said, passing him an old business card with the proper cell phone number, but no longer the proper job title, work number, or email address. The now irrelevant information had been scratched out.

Mark started to see the picture of her situation coming into greater focus, and felt sympathetic. "Thanks, here's mine. It was really nice to see you again. I hope everything goes ok. Just remember, you basically get to time travel today, so try and enjoy it" he joked, almost lovingly.

She smiled because she knew what he meant, but also because she felt energized by someone standing in front of her who seemed to understand, on some level, the abstract feelings she was being inundated by. She leaned in and hugged him goodbye.

After grabbing her bag she headed to catch the shuttle to the car rental lot. There wasn't a long wait before she was off and headed to procure a ship in which to sail these soon turbulent waters. She giggled at the silly analogy as she thought it, but felt relived to be generating corny internal humor again. A trait she was happy to have return.

5

Ashley stepped out of the rental office, keys in hand. She was told her car was close, just at the end of the first lot. Taking extended, gentle strides, she enjoyed the now very late afternoon sky. The airport lied at the outskirts of the city, at the line of the Great Plains and the Rocky Mountains. A very long stretch of the purple peaks in both directions were visible from the open space where she was. It was a much wider view than from in the city, which was closer to the drastic elevation shift that is a mountain range.

Pushing the unlock button on the key as she got close to the end of the row, revealed her car's location. It was a pretty standard sedan. Newer, clean, and without many miles. She opened the trunk and placed the 3 bags she had inside. She sat down in the drivers seat, and finished getting situated. On the ride over to the lot in the shuttle, she decided she wanted to get a nice hotel room downtown, and see the center of the city up close before retreating to the suburbs.

Driving out of the lot and onto the highway felt amazing to her. It was a smooth ride and accelerating through the scene, making the pavement flow underneath her, felt perfect. She hadn't actually driven in some time, relying mostly on public transportation. When she did end up driving, it was someone else's car. Namely Shane's. That car was anything but a smooth ride, being a practically unused and unmaintained vehicle. The enjoyable drive she was now on, in a car not falling apart, only served to further heighten her previous mental place. The kinetic and interactive nature of the drive, drew her in to those emotions even more.

The golden fields were lighting up, glowing from the setting sun bouncing off them. The wind caused the thousands of long, assorted pieces of grass to sway in beautiful patterns. The large but isolated highway, had slow and easy turns that she followed as the area become increasingly less sparse. The curves weaved gently in a wide open space, before finally resembling a more traditional highway. Focused on her environment, alone and extremely present, she could almost feel the city as she began to enter the metropolitan area.

She continued down the road toward downtown, and soon saw the city's skyline in the distance more clearly. It became her focal point, backdropped against the peaks. She was now heading exactly west, directly perpendicular to the massive range. The striking image of the skyline against the mountains continued to shift in perspective, and grow in relative size as she made her way toward her destination.

 As she looked closely at her hometown, intense signals of old and new hit her consciousness. The old created warm feelings of the place she grew up, clashed with guilt of missing out on so much time, by no one's fault but her own. The new being so interesting, creating a desire to catalog it mentally. Followed by a wave of sadness for the time it represented that she let pass. This internal cycle continued for a moment, before she found her unique mood once again disrupting it. Without any effort or precise mental organization, she was returning to her contemplative and aware state. She noted that she wasn't simply burying the emotion but successfully putting it aside, just for now. A cognizant decision was made to simply take in as much of this experience as she could. There was plenty of time for guilt, and hopefully even progress on that guilt, later.

She was now finally getting very close. The sun was fully setting, the skyline was filling a large percentage of her field of view, and her exit was here. As she pulled right into an underpass that wrapped around tightly, she was hit with the density of the urban environment she found herself in. Not 45 minutes ago she was on the Great Plains, and now she was in the middle of a city that had almost 3 million people calling it home, including herself once again.

She emerged from the underpass to an almost full view of downtown Denver. Being this close she noticed several new towers that weren't there when she left 5 five years ago. Some were almost equal in height to the tallest of the older towers, shifting the skylines previous presence. Traversing the busy streets she realized there were many more people here than before. More landscaping features, business, and residential buildings everywhere. All the detail flowed into her, stimulating a high number of varying deep thoughts. So many ideas barraged her, but in a way that she found to be exciting, standing directly opposite to most of her emotions in the recent past. Navigating to a hotel stopped being a goal temporarily, and soaking in her environment became more important.

Driving around downtown was triggering dozens of memories for her. Visiting downtown as a child, she had gained a vague sense of the streets, and places that she liked. The ones that stood out as stunning and beautiful. Some were places she would come with her father, who worked in a nearby building years ago. This was the first time she was really exploring the environment alone, and as an adult with her improved sense of space and direction. She could finally map out the different locations of these precious childhood experiences. She looked hard at a the corner she was stopped at, where there was a small urban park. She stared at it, as her brain assembled and retrieved the memories and events of that location. She could almost see the memory playing out in front of her, as if it was being projected into the modern world. Suddenly she thought of Mark, and his analogy of 'time traveling'. He was right, this was a special moment. One that could not be repeated without waiting at least another five years.

6

After a long drive around the area, she was ready to pick somewhere to stay. Drifting around the city, she had seen a newer hotel that seemed positioned to offer the kind of view she wanted. She navigated the mostly one-way streets that comprised the downtown area and arrived at her new temporary home. She pulled up the driveway in front of the main lobby, which was inside a large overhanging roof. The sun had all but set, with only a dark blue hue still filling the sky. The summer night was perfect, she instantly noticed upon stepping out of the car. The valet took her keys as he explained how to retrieve her vehicle when she needed it. She turned around and entered the building.

In a way, she loved hotel lobbies. It was a nice atmosphere. Alive, but relaxed. A business office lobby, which she was very familiar with, was alive too, but with a different feel. A different set of movements and intent in the crowd. Here you mostly had travelers. People generally were less jaded with the world when traveling, she believed. Individuals in a hotel were often on vacation, or possibly doing something interesting for work. It was normally subtle, but she hadn't stayed in a hotel in a long time. And combined with her overall heightened sensitivity and state of mind, the feeling was very pronounced.

Sitting down in one of the chairs to enjoy the space some more, she thought of Mark again. The impression he had left today was distinctly different than anytime previously. After only knowing him through a group of friends before she moved, and practically ignoring him upon his visit to Boston, she'd never really given him chance to make an impression, she realized. Because much like she did with the note on the plane, she often let her indifference toward him show in a very inconsiderate and unnecessary way. Particularity on his visit. He hadn't done anything overtly wrong, but the ugly underlying instinct was strong, and difficult for her to overcome. She failed to welcome any of her old friends in her new life, even the others that, unlike Mark, came to see her specifically.

Perhaps it was the guilt from the thought or simply the internal place she found herself in, but right then she decided to reach for her phone and text him. It was a decision that she was partially questioning. But his words had reverberated in her, and she wanted to stay in this place mentally. She didn't want to leave it. She didn't want to face tomorrow. She didn't want to call her parents yet, and initiate the chain reaction of events that would unfold. There was a lot they didn't understand about her situation and it was going to be a long, emotional explanation. Only exasperated by their inquisitive and worrisome personalities. She turned on her phone, which was still off from the flight. It booted and she noticed no missed calls, texts, voicemails, or emails. A radical change from her life just a few weeks ago. A change that she was now uncomfortably getting accustomed to. She added Mark's number to the contacts, as she had never put him in her new phone, and tapped out a message. "So today, I got to time travel." is all the text said.

7

Sliding the hotel room keycard into the slot simply turned up a red light on the indicator array, as Ashley tried to enter her room. She tried again and again. Finally, she ceased her half-effort attempts and checked the room number on the key. It read 32-27. She looked up at the door, still grasping its handle. 32-29 was engraved onto a plaque mounted to the door. Stepping back, the realization that she hadn't excessively checked the room number made her begin to smile. It was the kind of silly grin that crept up, and continued to grow.

This event, in and of itself, didn't mean much. It was actually a mistake. As a result of taking herself too seriously at times, it was the kind of mistake that previous to her large life changes, would've made her feel overly foolish. It was what the event represented at large, that made her smile. Lately, she had been extraneously careful about the execution of many small details. It was such tremendous relief to make a mistake like this. And she knew that as simple as they were, the series of refreshing and mentally nourishing events that had taken place today were responsible. She couldn't say she felt great, as there was still much looming over her. But the sensations that traveling home had cultivated so far, were proving to be uplifting, to say the least. At the moment she believed them to be in fact, almost transcendent in a way.

Stopping to fully analyze her own conscious state started to surface the special nature of her place. She was not one to generate false internal epiphanies, or manufacture optimism. This was different, she was certain. Looking out the far window at the end of hall, she breathed in deeply and continued to feel herself in this moment. This was not an ability traditionally found in her skill set, even though she held a deep reverence for reality and stopped to appreciate it often in different ways. But the life she pursued, and the people she knew, didn't often allow opportunities to feel this way, specifically.

Opening the door to the correct hotel room revealed a much wider window than the one in the hall. She pulled back the blinds and soaked in the bright, sparkling night time city view. This was something she had never seen as a kid; A vertically advantaged viewpoint of downtown, from inside the very things that make a downtown.

 Architecture fascinated her, it always had. Although her love of places of was not limited to just the urban, she found nature to be a whole different beautiful experience to take in. They were both profound to her. Examining the city brought thoughts of living creatures and what they're capable of. The image of a urban sprawl or a skyline had such a strong duality. Beautiful beyond words in one way, and almost haunting in another. The classic analogy of a tumor like growth stood clearly in her mind. As well as the concern about what a sprawl does to the environment. The car culture a sprawl manifests, and the eco-cost of electricity was certainly not attractive. Even if the glow it generated was. But like a switch she could see the flip side once again. The detail, density, and color of the image pouring into her eyes. The accomplishments, intelligence, and tiresome efforts required to assemble each of these buildings. The wide history any town carries, even on a single block where buildings from different decades, centuries, and in some places millenia, stand. A city was something to behold, to say it certainly.

She sat looking at the view in the window sill for some time, purposely trying to perceive it in different ways. Suddenly her phone started vibrating on the table as a text message came in. She stood up slowly and walked across the room.

"The only thing left to do now on your time travel checklist is go further into the future. And all you have to do for that, is live." Mark had replied.

She smiled, and started to quickly write a response as she sat back down in the window sill. "So why were you traveling/ how long were you away from home? I'm trying to catch up on questions I should of already asked you..." The message she sent said. She leaned back, almost lying down, putting her phone on her stomach as she waited for a reply. It arrived quickly.

"I was on business, not for long. But I did move away for a few years a while ago. How's your day back been so far?"

She felt bad reading that. She had no idea where his life was, despite his efforts to find out where her's was throughout the years. Flat out apathy for others was a mistake she made too often in her youth. And her poor mood on the plane from the stress of the return, and her life's place overall, brought it back when he wrote that note on the flight.

"It's been..." she typed, before stopping. All she wanted to do was be honest, but had absolutely no idea how to squeeze that into a medium that's namesake had 'short' in its title and often used acronym. She deleted what she had already written, and decided to follow a feeling without even questioning it by writing a new response. "What are you up to right now?"

8

Walking down the street caused the warm summer-night air to move over Ashley, as she deeply breathed it in. Traversing downtown on foot was something she was looking forward to. She began to make her way to the park where she was meeting Mark, but knew she still had some time to spare. As she walked forward, she looked around in all directions. But mostly up, like a tourist in Manhattan. Denver wasn't a mega city, or even anything close. But it was her city. It was a place that she shared a special and meaningful connection with, as anyone does with their home. And it was right in front of her, for the first time in so long.

She rarely put such an intense focus into the physical environment she inhabited, as she had increasingly done today. Analyzing and considering the city continued to generate a deep visual awareness for her. The area had so much detail, density, and diversity. Block by block she walked the streets toward her rendezvous point. Each street crossing offering some different, visually. Even a single tower, hitting her like a stunning painting. The thought initially starting with an attention to the physical; The shape, colors, materials, and lights. Then an internal shift to seeing it more humanistically; The untold number of stories that have emanated from it. The victories, the sorrows, and the mundane that took place inside over the years. Then there was all the people that could see it from miles away, everyday. Or even the people who've stood and stared at it from the street, on a night like tonight.

She continued this train of thought as she took every detour that attracted her on the way across downtown. Eventually, after stopping at the base of the tallest building in the city, she saw an alley that wrapped around it. She stepped in and instantly loved the feeling of being there. Alleys were interesting to her because they were completely 'real.' All building facades and manufactured nature were gone. Store fronts, signs, colorful paint, and decorative materials were nowhere to be found. It was raw and not gussied up. Not to mention, she liked that the buildings were closer together than on the street, as this created a different kind of feeling too. She cut through alley after alley, finally emerging back onto the sidewalk to see the park she was headed for though a break in the buildings.

She slowly walked across the road and made her way around the plaza to look for Mark. As she left the reach of the ambient incandescent light that engulfed the area by walking under some large trees, her phone started to ring. It startled her, as phone calls weren't something she was getting a lot of lately. She pulled it out and glanced at the glowing screen that then lit up her face. 'Mark' was displayed and she felt a little nervous, which took her off guard. She breathed in and accepted the call. "Hi." she said.

"Hey Ashley" he answered.

"So, I think I'm in the right place. I just got here." she explained.

"I actually think I see you. I'm across the street getting coffee, want any?" he asked.

She looked up as she turned around and tried to find the cafe. After a moment of seeking, she saw it, and Mark waving, directly across from her. She waved back, smiling, and answered "I'm ok, thanks though. But I'll be right over."

"Sounds good." he said, smiling back as he ended the call. This was a little strange for him. The girl he hadn't really talked to in half a decade, that he always suspected secretly hated him a little, was coming right towards him from across the street. And he was about to spend time alone with her. Being closer to her was something he always wanted, as he found her to be a highly interesting person. He didn't ever get to know her in any substantial way though. The emotions from a lack of fully knowing her, on top of the time passed, created a dissonance when juxtaposed with the warm feelings of a familiar face, long unseen.

Given how things had gone in the past, not to mention how things went on the plane, he expected practically nothing to come of this. Not a sustained or true friendship certainly. He didn't even dare to think of anything remotely romantic either. And because of those things, he found himself totally invested only in the now. In just the one moment, or conversation he was going to get to share with her. That investment however, didn't stop him from being emotionally all over the place, and distinctly lacking any sort of consistent self confidence.

Ashley opened the glass door, embedded into the glass wall of the shop. She greeted him again while walking up to where he was standing. They both smiled and hugged. He grabbed his coffee from the counter and thanked the barista, paying for his drink. Turning back around, he faced her. "So, how's your day been?" he asked.

9

The two slowly walked together down the street at a peacefully lackadaisical pace. Progressively allowing the sense of place, and of the moment to set in. They had been talking for over an hour at this point, continually becoming more comfortable with the situation. And with that comfort, their conversation began to effortlessly enter more personal territory.

“ So you didn't really get to see the city?” Ashley asked.

“Not really. Have you ever traveled much for work? Not the best way to soak a place in, ya know?” Mark replied.

“Well it depends on the work, right? I know what you mean though. You really should go back sometime and see it properly-” Ashley paused as she laughed lightly “Whatever that means. New York City is so many different things to so many different kinds of people.” she finished.

“No kidding. I do want to go back. I did go there once as a kid as well.” Mark said.

“How old were you?”

“Eight.”

“Do you remember it?”

“Super clearly. Or at least relatively, for an almost twenty year old childhood memory.” He said as he smiled. Mark stopped walking, and slumped onto a bench overlooking a downwardly sloped park that ran along a river.

Ashley stood in front of him and looked at the park, realizing she'd been there before. It was completely transformed, as the landscaping had filled in what was previously just dirt. She looked down at him and asked “What do you remember?”

He settled into his seat, shifting his weight and adjusting his hands in his pockets.“I remember waking up at 4 in the morning the day we left. It was the first time in my life that I'd done that. The first time experiencing the full transition of night to day. I remember arriving in Jersey, and seeing the city for the first time across the river. The hotel room we stayed at in Manhattan. Many of the places went to. I remember counting the number of stairs in the Statue of Liberty, as we made our way to the head. I remember leaving early in the morning and taking a cab through the city after mostly riding the subway all week. The massive buildings, the amount of activity, the sounds and noise. But most of all I remember the feel of that place. Or rather, what it made me feel.“

Ashley sat down on the bench as Mark paused. She noticed how nice it felt that their conversation had been broaching many of the subjects she was considering throughout the day. And it wasn't because she was directing them there, it kept happening all itself.

Mark continued, “That trip stuck with me in a big way. We had been to a few places before that, but none of them gave me anything close to the same clue of how big the world really was like New York did. The world felt more alive after that. The vague sense of the billions of other humans that occupy this planet suddenly felt a lot less vague.”

Ashley leaned back in the bench and looked at the rushing water of the river at the bottom of the hill. She considered Marks words for a moment. “What was the most recent trip to stick with you?” she asked.

“Well, my last trip to Boston to visit my family was pretty amazing.” He said a little bit timidly.

“Wait, when was that? When we met up out there?”

“No... I was there just a few months ago actually.”

She wanted to ask why he didn't call, or let her know he was coming. But the answer was more than obvious. On his previous trip, or at least the last one she knew about, she was considerably less than welcoming, as was her usual trend. She searched for the words to be able to possibly explain or excuse her lack of kindness, but she ultimately knew it was just that; a lack of kindness. Raw apathy and self-absorption.“I'm sorry” was the only thing that felt appropriate to say.

“Eh, let's not get into it”

“ I am sorry though”

“I believe you”

“I made the same mistake with a lot of our old friends, I really regret it”

“This is what getting into looks like...”

“All this stuff I'm going though, getting ready to come home, actually coming home , has really inspired some thinking about it.”

“Ashley, it's ok. “

“No, it's not though. It sucks. I suck.”

Mark looked at her, seeing the first hint of outright sadness in her eyes since they started talking. He had noticed the calm attitude she was carrying tonight. He had noticed the specificity of it. How it wasn't quite happiness, but rather almost a glow, as it were. One that seemed to consume her, only now showing any sign of penetrability. “ Can I ask you something?” He said softly and quietly.

She nodded her head slowly.

“What is it exactly, that you're going through? You don't have to say, I just want you to know we can talk about it, if you want.”

For the briefest moment Ashley felt a little like she did on the plane. She felt the difficulty of attempting to share such a tremendous amount of information in a single conversation. She could sense, almost as if it was physical, the bottleneck that trying to express those thoughts and stories would be. But unlike on the plane, she wanted to try. She just truly felt unequipped to do so.

Mark noticed her hesitation” It's ok. Listen, as far as my visit... I've done things like that, we all have. Don't worry about me. You had your own life in Boston. My fun on a trip there for something else wasn't your problem. We didn't even really know each other all that well. We were just in the same group of friends. We hadn't even really talked after you moved away, it was probably unreasonable to ask you to show me around the city.”

“No, it wasn't. I did that to everyone. I completely mistreated everybody from back here. Every time. I completely ruined almost every relationship I had here, even with my family. I was so obsessed with what felt like a new life, but that was just a facade. It's still the same life. No matter what you do, it's still the same life. And I'm finding that out as everything new collapses around me, only to reveal everything I used to know, now broken from neglect.” She said.

“You're back here for a while then?”

“Yes, I'm back home for a while, at least. It's funny because while I built up this 'new life' somewhat unethically, and let the old one decay, in the end I finally fought my tendencies and did something that was very hard. It was probably the hardest thing I'd ever done, and I did it because of a proper adherence to my integrity. I should be proud. I was being a good person. Finally. And it cost me nearly everything I had built. My job. My new friends. Shane."

“So... you left Boston, having succeeded in being who you want to be, at least when it really counted... only to come home to face all your mistakes concentrated in one city, just waiting for you?” He shifted in his seat, tilting his head. "In the place you're coming from, you lost your friends, even though you did the right thing. Here in your old life, you lost them because you feel like you messed up."

Ashley immediately straightened her back and sat up, looking directly at Mark. She looked at him as if he was handing her a fresh, cool bottle of water, after days of not drinking anything. The summation seemed obvious, but she found it to be an insightful way to frame it. And it was true. All of her severe regret was here, just waiting to be unearthed, its stench overwhelming.

“That transition sounds very lonely.” He said empathetically.

Ashley felt both isolated, and comforted by his statement. The clear realization that she had literally no currently well maintained friendships disturbed her. But his recognition and compassion also stirred a warm feeling. One that accelerated and exponentially began to increase her ever lingering homebound high.

10

It was getting late into the night, but Ashley didn't care. She didn't even notice. Hours had melted away conversing with Mark, but time wasn't something her conscious mind was tending to. This conversation was exactly what she needed, exactly when she needed it. It had accented the series of thoughts and feeling of the day so well. It represented to her, in a microcosm, that these damaged relationships could be mended or built backup. Her mistakes with the people here didn't always have to be permanent, and her guilt could be conquered without shortcuts. There was still a lot of ground to cover, but the mere visibility of a path to working it out lifted her up, more than she could easily express in words.

They continued walking downtown past buildings, parks and other features of the city. They discussed them and the thoughts they inspired. She loved being able to externalize all the random ideas about this place that had run through her head today. Especially to someone who understood exactly what she meant, and had something to add.

 They turned a corner and Ashley instantly recognized the street they found themselves on. She'd been here on a field trip in the 4^th grade. The late night scene of the street was striking. The geometric shapes, street signs, bike racks and lampposts. The parking meters, cars, marques and store signs. Every detail was obvious. Throughout the day today, without any effort, she'd removed the filter she walked around with every other day. The one that helps you keep focused on whatever it is you're focused on. The one that can stop you from taking it all in. The filter that that will get you completely stuck in your own little world, if you're not careful. The concrete canyon they were in, created by a large series of parallel buildings, encapsulated her, visually and emotionally. All of it was inducing mixed feelings of old and new. Of happy and sad, beauty and melancholy.

“I remember this place.” She said, stopping in her tracks.

“Yeah?” Mark replied.

“This has happened all day. In my head, I remember these places. But never where they actually were in relation to the rest of the area. Seeing where they actually lie, suddenly snaps the sense of the space into context, and creates a new feeling for it. And those two understandings of this place sit on top of each other to create such an interesting experience. ” She explained to him.

“I know what you mean... When you're a kid a lot of times you just show up places. You don't exactly know which roads you took to get there, and you don't know which one's take you home. It's like spaces in a dream. You just appear in a place, take it in, and leave. If you didn't know how to get back there, then for all intents and purposes, for you, it exists only in your mind. Like a dream.” he said.

“Until you find yourself turning a street corner and being right there once again, decades later.” She said, slowly looking up at the sky.

“Time travel” He said with a silly smile.

“Dream travel” She jokingly replied. She took a few steps and leaned against the wall.

“New York was like that, even though I only visited as an adult for business. It was just an infinite sea of buildings when I young. Now I see the boundaries and understand its shape. I know where the major towers and landmarks are, and it gives it new meaning. But the old perspective can still be visited in my mind. But it's the most intense with the place you grew up. So, I can only imagine what you're feeling...” he said.

“It's nice though. I mean, it's a lot of things. But it makes me feel alive...” She looked down at her shoes, visibly becoming nervous. “I'm not sure I'm ready for what's next though. There's gonna be a lot more of this, but much harder. It's just been so long...”

“Yeah, five years really is a long time, in some ways.”

“Like in the case of not seeing your parents.” She said with guilt.

He looked her and felt a flood of empathy. “It'll be ok. I met them, they love you.”

“I miss them so much.” She said, gently hanging her head. “ I didn't mean for this. The longer I was gone, the more embarrassed I was for not ever coming back.”

“But you're here now.”

“That's just it though. I didn't come home until I basically had to.”

“It's still a chance to make things right.”

She looked up at him, her brow slightly furrowed. She started to shake her head ever so slightly up and down. He reached out and gently tugged her, pulling her in for a hug. They stood there for an indeterminable amount of time, as the effect of the embrace seemed to warp the passing of what was surely only seconds. They smiled, letting go and continuing down the street.

 The long downtown road stretched out, leading the eye to the horizon, where the moon could be seen. Perfectly framed inbetween the tall buildings. Ashley was invigorated by the support he had shown tonight. It reminded her that nothing in the world can heal emotionally like a caring human interaction.

11

Back in her hotel room Ashley got settled, putting away some of her belongings. Mark had to be at work the next day, and had headed home. They had continued to share and explore for hours, watching the sun start to rise from atop a parking garage. Ashley was enthralled by the exchange. 

She fell backwards onto the bed with her arms straight out to her sides, sinking into the layers of soft blankets. She had put on some music, the same musician she was listening to at the airport. Closing her eyes and smiling, she swung her head side to side to the downtempo beat. She could hear every nuance of every sound. The hyper awareness of the song created a euphoria, dizzying in it's intensity. The confluence of sounds could be heard separately and simultaneously all at once. A force of emotion radiated from her. All the feelings of the day, the recent past, and the future, seemed to expand outwardly into the song. Synchronizing with the emotionality of the music. Almost as if, through the notes, she was screaming out all she wanted to say.

The whole day had been a release. A wild mix of ups and downs. She was exhausted, and yet she felt like certain areas of her consciousness were extremely stimulated and awake. Replaying the events of the day in her head brought a varied palette of distinct emotions. It wasn't at all the first day home she had expected. She never anticipated more than misery, guilt, and loneliness. Granted, it was all still there, on some level. But somehow manageable and further more, improved upon, due of a series of emotions and perspectives granted to her by “time travel” as Mark would say. The connection and magic of a hometown, and the people therein, was something she now deeply valued.

She felt free of certain mental barriers and light neuroses. Free of excessive self-absorption. Free of routines that were emerging, and free of the total and complete isolation she was living in. Although still harboring some negativity, she noticed the feeling of being ready to face her family, and to try and rebuild her old friendships. The day's happenings, mood, and scenery, along with the friend and conversation, had created a strong preparedness inside. It was now, truly, time to go home.

Homebound High