There's only one

A man who has only ever thought of himself.

THERE’S ONLY ONE

 

 Jed lay back against the pillows and gazed at the grey skies through the windows.  The rain had been depositing raindrops on the window panes since early morning. A nurse had washed his hands and face, getting him ready for breakfast. Jed had a room to himself, he’d never been one for sharing. He liked to think of himself as independent. He also liked to complain. He found fault with the way the eggs were cooked, the bacon not crispy enough or overdone. Jed was well-spoken, but indiscreet and tactless. When it was discovered he would need an operation on his testicles, nobody in his family was surprised. “He’s never been one to indulge sexually, as he should have done. His apparatus has probably got worn out through lack of use,” was the family consensus.

 

Jed’s first job was in the offices of an army recruiting centre, after he had finished his national service. The job was quite well paid, and he only had to hand out leaflets or show those who were interested in joining the army into the interviewing room. He had to wear a uniform, so there was no wear or tear on his own clothes. The officer in charge of recruiting had been well trained in the art of seduction and selling. Jed was amused by his boss’s tactics, and tried to emulate them with girl friends, but they never worked for Jed. He lacked the charm that the officer had in abundance. Young men entered the recruiting office at a steady rate and left with their destinies and papers signed and sealed. Jed’s job was to cover all the paper work, and to make sure all the future members of the army, received the correct information about how to arrive at the meeting point for the coach that would take them to their base. Jed continued working in the recruitment centre for some time, until one day an acquaintance told him, “You’re too good for this job. Why don’t you try and better yourself with some studies?”

Jed wasn’t too sure about the studies, as he felt rather comfortable in his job. He was still young enough to make a change, especially as there was no girl in his life. His family thought it wasn’t a bad idea, but they asked him, “Won’t you miss the money?”

Jed knew he would, but mollified them by saying, “I’ll give you money towards my keep from my savings.” The subject of money was never mentioned again.

 

The courses for mature students were held in the evenings from four o’clock till nine. In that time, all the things that Jed had ever known about engines, and any other kind of machinery, had to be exploited. There were fifteen in some of the classes and ten in others, the majority were young men, with a few women who were married.

Having been in he army, Jed was disciplined, neat, and tidy. He spent the mornings studying and trying to find out more, and more than he needed. He felt that as he was a bit older, he had to work harder, so as not to show himself up in any way. The practical parts of the course were his favourites, taking engines and other heavy machinery apart and putting them back together again. That was what his army life had taught him. His companions went to a nearby pub sometimes for a short drink after classes on a Friday evening. Jed wasn’t all that keen, but once in a while he condescended to join them.

 

One Friday evening he went to the pub, where he was introduced to a girl called Petal, who saw a nice-looking man standing before her. Jed unwillingly invited her to a drink, wishing he hadn’t. Petal made a big mistake with Jed, and that was to ask for a Babycham. Jed, who was strapped for cash, had enough money on him to pay for the drink, and nothing else. He was trying to live on as little as possible, after giving his parents money for his keep. He watched Petal as she grabbed at the glass holding the golden liquid, and saw an ‘all for me’ look in her eyes. He knew he had been taken in by a silly superficial female. “Enjoy your drink,” Jed said to her as he made his way out of the pub. He made sure that if he ever went to a pub again, he’d make some kind of excuse for not treating a woman to a drink, unless she was a member of the family.

 

Jed’s hard work paid off and he was soon employed in a busy factory producing central heating

machinery. He liked his job and was good at it. The only downside was that he would need to move to another part of the country and become even more independent. In one way he rather fancied the idea, but he knew full well that he’d miss his mother’s cooking and having his laundry done. Never mind, he thought to himself, I’ll have to sort myself out. The property he bought was a small house in a street where all the houses had families. He stood out because he was alone, and he rarely had visitors.

 

One day at work he was handed a leaflet announcing a club for single over-forties. Jed decided to give it a try, and went to the first meeting of the club. He noticed there were more women than men, which puzzled him. It looked as if Jed’s generation were not doing so well in the partnership stakes. Some of them were divorced, but others were like him and had missed the boat completely. He was pleased to have got out of the house for a while, and didn’t quite know what he was expecting. One of the women, who was a widow and reeking of an expensive toilet water, went up to him, “Hello, I’m Sally. Have you done this before?” She held out her right hand to him.

“Hello, I’m Jed. No, I’ve never been to anything quite like this. I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t really have to do anything. Some of the others are much more informative. I’ve joined these clubs before, and the general idea is to go out in a group where we all know each other, and go to restaurants - anything, other than sit at home alone.”

Jed thought that it wasn’t a bad idea, and was soon a familiar face at the club. He soon got friendly with Sally, Emma, and Lindsey, and a couple of the men, Bryn and Edwin. Many of the members lived in nearby villages and drove in for the meetings. Jed, who had no knowledge of the area he had moved to, realized that they weren’t country folk, but local ‘celebrities’ in a manner of speaking.

 

One day he went to see where Sally had her little riding school. Some time in the past, two large cottages had been knocked into one large one. At the back was a paddock where her daughters gave riding lessons, which helped in the upkeep of the horses. Sally also ran a thriving bed and breakfast, which was an additional help. Jed didn’t get out of his car and go to the front door, he stayed in it until he was satisfied with what he had seen. Jed was not from a poor part of the country, but the idea of having a paddock with horses was quite out of his league. He drove back along the country roads with his head full of unasked questions.

 

Lindsey ran a driving school, and he sometimes saw her in her office when he was doing his shopping on a Saturday morning. They began having coffee together, and one day met up with Bryn and he joined them. Jed learned that Bryn’s mother had a cottage overlooking a beach, and then at the next meeting Bryn invited everyone who wanted to go to the beach for a day out, at his late mother’s cottage.

The weather was not auspicious, but they didn’t say so. It was agreeable to go somewhere new. The house was on a slight rise and overlooked a huge bay with an equally impressive beach. Jed, as usual, felt jealous when he saw something he would have liked for himself. The house was a good one, not a seaside property for holidays. Bryn invited them in for a cup of tea and sandwiches, followed by a large creamy cake. Jed had a greedy streak and ate more than he should have done, which led to raised eyebrows among the others, which was totally ignored by him. When all the food had been demolished and the tea drunk, Bryn suggested a walk on the beach. The weather was balmy and a slight breeze made the walk even more pleasant. The sea waves rolled onto the sand and sent up a fine spray as they hit the rocks at the end of the bay. Jed was thinking as he walked, and wondered what he could do to be up to the level of his friends. He understood he would never be able to own a seaside cottage, those things you inherit, but he had to do something and move out of the place where he was living. When it was getting too dark to see well, they all said their goodbyes, got into their cars, and went home.

 

During the following week, Jed went for walks to just about every estate agent in the town. He told them he wanted to go upmarket, and get out of the area he was living in. He was told by all of the people he saw, that his house would be easy to sell, because it was cheap and in a quiet place. The problem for him was to get something he really wanted and wouldn’t be ashamed of. He never said anything to the club members because he didn’t want them to think anything negative about him. He received the news that a bungalow was on sale in a very nice neighbourhood, and would he be interested in seeing it. He wasn’t sure about the bungalow, but went along to see the property. The street was a long way away from his present address. He liked it from the beginning and put a deposit on it. Now his house had to be sold.

 

When Jed moved into his bungalow, he was asked by some of the members of the club whether or not he would have a house warming party. He said he didn’t think he was up to it, as he was tired after the moving in. Then he invited them all to a dinner and drinks at a very beautiful pub in a small village. Not everyone turned up, but the few who did were pleased with the food. They all put down his reluctance to entertain in his own home, to the fact he was single. And he remained so for a long time.

 

The first member of the club to fall sick was Sally. She couldn’t believe it when she was told she only had a few months to live. Jed wasn’t the most sympathetic of people, and wondered how her daughters would run the business. One evening she went to visit Jed in his bungalow and ran her eyes around it appraisingly. “Nice. Very nice. Aren’t you going to invite me to a cup of tea, please?”

Jed was not happy with this, and tried to get out of it. “I’ll have a look to see if there’s any tea in the cupboard.” Jed was mean and he counted tea-bags and made one do for two cups. In the case of Sally being there, he could hardly do this, so he sacrificed an extra tea-bag. His cupboard held no goodies like biscuits or cake, the only time he had those was when his mother made cakes for him, or a member of his family brought the biscuits. The water boiled and the tea-bags were swamped with the water. Milk was another question for Jed, as he managed to get through one bottle a week, so another sacrifice was made. He took a tray into the living-room with the tea cups and tea pot on it. When the tea had been poured, Sally said, “I knew you wouldn’t have any biscuits, so I brought a packet for you.”

Jed was beyond being embarrassed, and accepted, and promptly scoffed back the majority of them.

“Would you like to see my mother’s pub and hotel one evening?” Sally asked.

Jed was delighted by the suggestion, and said, “Yes, I’d love to.”

When Sally had gone, Jed put the invite down to his having moved to a better district.

 

Two weeks later, all the members were wining and dining at Sally’s mother’s pub. It was a beautiful spot, surrounded by tall trees and with a stream running through it. The pub was ancient and famous, and the food and drink lived up to its reputation. As it was an agreeable evening, there were tables outside. Jed made a bit of a fuss, as he preferred to sit more inside than outside. Nobody else made any comment about the table arrangements. They were served a three course meal with wine and champagne. When the dinner was over, some went to the bar for a second drink, and Jed (mean as ever) said he had to go home. A couple of the others said ‘bye’ too, and they left.

Jed got home and rang his mother and told her about the evening out. The elderly lady was happy for him, and told all those who knew Jed, how well he was doing in his new bungalow and with his new friends. She said he was well and truly a popular person down in the country.

 

Sally was taken to the hospital not long after the dinner at her mother’s pub. As usual, everyone else knew what was going on with her, except for Jed. He was afraid of illness and anything that remotely resembled not being fit and young. Malcolm, one of the male members of the club, told Jed that the dinner was most probably the last one Sally would ever give, as she was dying of a terminal illness. He still didn’t understand how he wasn’t in the know about Sally.

 

There was no recovery for Sally, and the next thing was her funeral. It was a family affair and very few members were invited. Jed heard all about it at the next meeting. As he saw it, work was more important than a funeral, and his company wouldn’t have allowed it anyway.

 

It was about then, as he was getting a higher salary, he began going away for holidays or short breaks for a couple of days. Jed always went alone on these escapades. He never told anyone at the club or at work, in case they thought he was loaded with money.

 

On a country weekend, he almost fell into the clutches of a predatory female. Her name was Dora, and she was another one who had missed the boat. In her case, she was under the illusion that she was still a young woman in her twenties. She lied about her age, but then gave herself away when she talked about singers and groups. If she was the age she said she was, certain names would, or should have been, totally unknown to her. Jed paid Dora no attention, he was polite and that was all.

When he returned home he began getting letters accusing him of having broken their relationship. That he hadn’t kissed her goodbye, and that after what he had promised her, he wasn’t behaving as a gentleman ought to. She began ringing him at odd hours of the day, never the same time twice. According to Dora, he’d got romantic more than once over the few days they had known each other. Jed was becoming more and more frustrated with a situation over which he had no control. He put an end to it, by changing his phone number and tearing up her letters.

Jed was happy, thinking she would steer clear of him. He was sent a brochure for another break, very much like the previous one where he had met Dora. She sent him a letter telling him how rude he was in not replying, and was he going to attend the next weekend break. Jed sent no reply, and rang up the holiday company asking them not to send any more brochures.

 

Some months later, on arriving home after work, he found a large buff-coloured envelope lying on the floor inside the front door. He removed his coat and shoes and sat down and opened the envelope. Inside there were photos of Dora and her newly-wedded husband. The note with the photos said, ‘These are just to show you what you are missing.’ There were a couple of newspaper articles too about the wedding. Jed threw the lot into the Aga.

 

Ever since he had left the army recruiting centre, Jed had steadily climbed the ladder of progress. He had achieved good posts and salaries, but the one thing he had never managed, was a decent relationship with a woman. After Sally had died and the semi-scandalous business with Dora was a thing of the past, Jed was ‘off women’, so to speak.

 

Other members of the club also began dying off. Lorna, who was married to Ben, woke up one morning to find him struggling for breath. She rang for an ambulance, which rushed him to the local hospital. Lorna stayed with Ben all day, and then seeing there was nothing for her to do, she went home. When Lorna was rested and showered, she rang everyone she knew, even Jed, who received the news in his usual noncommittal way.

The doctor in charge of Ben told Lorna that her husband had suffered a massive coronary. Lorna was aghast, “He’s always been such a fine figure of a man, and healthy with it.”

The doctor stared at Lorna pensively, “Your husband is over-weight, and has been abusing himself for many years.”

“Has he got long to live?” Lorna asked

“Only a few months. Did he never say he felt unwell, out of breath, or tired?”

“He got tired after dinners out with friends and all the champagne and stuff.”

“What stuff are you talking about?”

“You know, big creamy cakes, liqueurs. Ben’s really lived it up in his time.”

“Well, now he’s living his down time. He’ll have to stay here so we can stabilize him, and try to reduce his weight.”

“He won’t go on a diet. I know. I’ve tried it.”

“We’ll see,” the doctor said.

 

Ben hadn’t been laid to rest for long, before Lorna began making a beeline for the single male members. Jed recognized she had a fantastic figure, was blonde, and a good cook. Jed was invited round for a sumptuous dinner with champagne. Every time he made a move to leave, she refilled his glass.

Jed tried another tactic, “Have you placed Ben’s gravestone yet?”

That halted Lorna in her tracks. “I think it’s time you left. Somehow, I thought you were different.”

Jed stood, and made his way unsteadily to the bathroom.

Lorna stood by the front door, holding it open.

“Bye, Lorna. Thanks for a lovely meal,” Jed mumbled, and stumbled to his car.

Lorna said nothing, closed the door, and never spoke to him ever again.

 

Jed drove home erratically. The next day he came to the conclusion that the world was full of predatory females.

 

Two months later, Jed moved to an isolated spot in the country. The club continued to flourish without him, Sally, or Ben. New members joined as old ones died or moved away.

 

Jed was kept busy with his new garden, due to its being large. He continued working until the day he was offered a highly remunerative retirement. He began by searching holiday sites, sports club facilities, and meeting new people. Once again, true to form, he accepted invitations to tea or dinner, but never gave any out. He still made one tea-bag do for two cups and only bought one packet of biscuits. His food cupboards were not much fuller than Old Mother Hubbard’s. Nevertheless, he got through the years unscathed. He led a life without a woman and his holidays were a private matter between himself and the travel agency. No one in his family knew he had been away, until he had returned.

 

The searing pains tore through the lower half of his body, taking his breath away. He reached for the phone and rang for an ambulance. When it came, Jed was sitting on the floor by the front door, The doorbell rang, and dragging himself upright, he opened the door.

“What’s up with you, Sir?”

“I can’t breathe, because of the terrible pain in my nether regions.”

The paramedic was not at all keen on touching Jed, in case he made the pain worse.

 

The ambulance carrying Jed got to the hospital, and entered him as an emergency patient.

 

He named his mother as his next of kin, forgetting she had died the previous winter.

 

Something had burst inside Jed, causing internal haemorrhaging. The surviving members of his family went to visit him.

 

The rain poured down ceaselessly, and Jed’s last view of the world was that of - wet window panes.