Passport to Loneliness

A man who understands his own vunlneranility, but incapable of overcoming his fear.

 

 

PASSPORT TO LONELINESS

 

Godfrey scrutinised his face in the bathroom mirror. It seemed to be the same reflection as the one he had seen the day before. But the day before he had still been forty-nine and now he was fifty. He went into the kitchen to make his breakfast. He had no wife or girl friend to do it for him. Neither did he have anyone to give him a birthday kiss or a present. It was while he was washing-up, his mother rang. “Happy birthday, Darling. Half a century, eh?”

“Thank you, Mother, for reminding me.”

Since his father’s death his mother had retreated into a world of banality. Almost as if it were difficult to focus on a reasonably intelligent conversation. “Going out to dinner tonight?” she asked her son.

“I hardly think so. I might go for a drink.”

“As you aren’t in the mood for talking, then I’ll ring off.” The elderly lady said.

 

Alone in his flat Godfrey felt rather despondent. Apart from his mother there was no one else in his life. It was his own fault. There had been plenty of women who were interested when he was young and handsome, but at the age of fifty, what sort of woman would want him? He still had his hair, which was now greying, not so slim as he had been, but then who is. He thought that if he stayed in the flat he would eventually become depressed. He got dressed in a track suit and got out his bicycle and went out into the street. As he cycled, he thought of what he had and what he hadn’t done. The air was cold on his face and he felt very alive although he couldn’t say why. He had always been popular with girls and had gone from one to the other without much thought for them really. As individuals he was hard put to remembering names. They had all had one thing in common, they had been in love with him. Now he had eventually arrived at an age that he had never contemplated. He was alone because he had inadvertently chosen to be. Fifty years old is a long way off when you are twenty and you think that you’ll never reach it, but Godfrey had, much to his surprise and alarm. 

The city streets with car fumes and noise had suddenly changed to a more countrified  and quiet area. There was less traffic around him and he felt less stressed out. The girls were now all married or with partners. One day he had rung some of them up. The sounds of domesticity in the background made him realize he was intruding into other people’s lives for nothing. Since that day he had maintained a distance from his old girl friends. The road ran round a very large park. He thought he had never been there before. Now he was getting tired and fancied having a drink of some sort. There were shops and cafes facing the park.

The sign post hung to one side of a shop all painted in green and brown. The name was ‘Green Earth’. On either side of the entrance a tree was painted and its branches and leaves reached up above the door. The windows acted as notice boards announcing: vegetarian food, herbs and herbal remedies, natural toiletries, and varying treatments for which it was necessary to make an appointment. Godfrey was curious, he got down off his bicycle, chained it up, and went inside.

The front doorbell tinkled as a sign that someone had entered. Peony, who was in the backroom putting away recently arrived goods, called to her assistant, “Sonia, can you attend to it please, I’ll be out in a minute.”

Godfrey entered a world of wonderful smells and sights. The shop was done out with old-fashioned large jars containing herbs and the weirdest collection of biscuits and cakes. On a table in the centre there were small packets and bags of food. It was possible to buy anything you wanted, as long as it had nothing to do with killing animals. From the ceiling hung bunches of dried lavender, rosemary, thyme. On a set of shelves were sacks of different beans, powdered turmeric, curry leaves, cardamom, ginger, cinnamon sticks, vanilla sticks, and several types of flour from chickpea to wholemeal. On the top of a cupboard there was a transparent teapot which held flowers floating in hot water. Beneath the teapot there was a burner to keep the contents warm. There were chairs to sit on. Sonia went up to Godfrey, “Good morning, how can I help you?”

“I don’t know, it’s the first time I’ve ever been in such a shop. What is in the teapot?”

“Orange blossom with chocolate. Would you like to try some?”

Godfrey was rather bemused by the thought of orange blossom and chocolate tea and as it was freezing cold outside he fancied something hot, he said yes. Sonia poured some of the seductively smelling tea into a small glass. He sipped it tentatively, and then noticed how pleasant it was. At that moment Peony came out of the backroom. She stood in the doorway gazing round her and then her eyes lighted on Godfrey.

“What do you think of it?” she asked Godfrey.

He stared at her and at her appearance, she looked as if she had stepped out of a fairy tale. A dull mauve hat sat on a head of dark red hair, the rest of her clothes were also in sludge colours. In a fairy tale, she would have been ‘the old lady who lived in a wood’. Smiling, she went forward to greet him. “Good morning, I’m Peony. Is there anything special you’d like?”

Godfrey was slow to answer, he was too bewitched by Peony’s appearance and her name. He spluttered out, “Today is my birthday, the fiftieth to tell the truth.”

Peony clapped her hands and looking at Sonia said, “Get the champagne out. We have to celebrate this gentlemen’s birthday.”

“My name’s Godfrey.” He didn’t say more. He was still tongue-tied.

Sonia came out of the backroom with a bottle of champagne and some glasses on a tray. Godfrey was amazed, “Is this something you do for everyone who comes to your shop?”

“No, it’s because I like celebrating birthdays. If you’d looked more closely at the info on the table over there, you’d have seen we do this. In spite of this being a herbal store, we always have a bottle of champagne in the fridge. Happy birthday, Godfrey.”

Godfrey drank back his champagne and felt just a teeny bit happier. He walked all round the store and touched things that he thought might be interesting for him. All the time Peony stood staring at him. The shelves were so crammed with packets it wasn’t that easy to see the goods well. What Godfrey noticed was the fantastic perfume coming from the herbs and candles that were placed in strategic positions. Indeed it had been this aromatic atmosphere that was gradually penetrating his nose and himself. There was no sound of traffic and it was so peacefully quiet, it was reminiscent of being in a cave safe and sound. The shop itself was mediaeval in practically every aspect. Nothing was harsh or strident. Peony walked up to him, “Have you seen anything you fancy yet?” Godfrey was still tongue-tied and managed to say just for the sake of saying something, “Yes, I’ll have some honey cake, smoked tofu, lotus tea, and biological sauerkraut.”

Sonia got his purchases and put them in a cotton bag. “The bag is a present as it’s your birthday. The next time you pass by you can use it again.” Sonia said as she handed them over to him. Peony went to the door with him and said, “Hope to see you soon. Good morning, and have a good birthday.”

Godfrey, unused to such friendliness, responded rather dryly, “Thank you for the champagne and the bag. I‘m not sure when I’ll be back. I have things to do. Good morning.” He put the cotton bag on his handlebar and rode away from ‘Green Earth’.

 

Peony closed the door behind Godfrey, went into the back room and washed out the glasses. Sonia said to her, “What do you make of him?”

“I don’t make anything. You know my attitude to men. He’s a bit of a misogynist, isn’t he?” Peony said.

“I  wouldn’t like to say. He limited himself in conversation to only that it was his birthday. Shows he hasn’t many people in his life who he can share it with,” Sonia replied putting the glasses away.

 

It was one o’clock and Sonia put the ‘Closed for Lunch’ notice on the glass door and closed it behind her. She always went to a pub or a café for lunch with a friend, and Peony stayed behind in the backroom where she had a small sofa and table. She unwrapped the lunch she had prepared that morning before leaving home. It never varied much, hot soup, a salad or vegetables, an omelette and tea made with bottled spring water from the shop. When Peony lost her job as assistant to a lawyer and her husband to another woman, who must have been round the corner waiting to jump in at the appropriate time to claim him, Peony chose to get out altogether and go away from where she had lived as a married woman. At first she had gone home to her mother till the dust had settled and she was stronger. One day a friend of her mother’s suggested that she should find out what running a herbal shop would entail. As she had nothing to lose and wanted to be independent, she went for it and looked for a franchise. She couldn’t have picked a better moment for such a change, as the green and herbal shops were in rapid expansion. The prices were rather high, but at that time people were still spending money. Even with the difficult economic situation, somehow or other, Peony made enough to keep the shop, herself, and Sonia. Since her divorce, Peony had kept her social life to a minimum. All in all, she was happy and satisfied with her life.

 

His fiftieth birthday marked a point of no return for Godfrey. Now he felt he had to make some sort of an effort to be more sociable - especially with women.  The goods he had bought in ‘Green Earth’ were almost finished when he thought of visiting Peony again. The only  drawback was that she might think he fancied her. Filled with doubt and a rare feeling of desire, he got up one morning and cycled over to the park and ‘Green Earth’. On the ride through the city out to the shop, on several occasions he thought of turning back or of going in the opposite direction. His fear of getting involved with a woman was tremendous. It was so strong it almost took his breath away, the depth of the feeling of insecurity. Perhaps I’m getting old and too set in my ways to venture forth to see a woman I don’t really know.

He arrived outside the shop and the bell tinkled to announce his arrival.

Sonia was in the shop dusting the shelves, the goods from the shelves were on the counter. She was carefully wiping packets and putting them back in their place on the clean shelves. The smells that had impressed him the previous time awoke his senses to how pleasant the atmosphere in the shop was. Peony came out of the backroom and smiled at him. “I see you’ve come back. Did you enjoy the things you bought?”

“Yes, I did, very much. This time I’d like to try something else.”

“To be honest, I don’t know what to offer you.”

“I’ll have a look at what you’ve got before deciding,” Godfrey answered.

 Godfrey’s eyes saw that on one wall there was another set of shelves that he hadn’t noticed before. From the top shelf to the bottom there was an infinite choice of herbal cosmetics and biological make-up and henna hair dyes. The shelves were in two sections, with more for women than men. Peony came up to him, and in her saleswoman’s voice said, “Do you need any help?”

Godfrey felt a little annoyed, “I’m just looking. Thank you.” He had dual feelings about Peony, in spite of fancying her he was on the defensive.

Peony smiled and walked away. Sonia had finished cleaning and took all the cloths and products into the backroom. The uncomfortable silence was broken by Sonia putting on some chill-out music, giving the shop interior a more relaxed atmosphere.

Godfrey felt rather ashamed of himself  for having been less than polite to Peony when she had been so kind to him. He picked up some toiletries, herbs, and walked to where Sonia was now standing at the counter. Peony looked at his shopping and smiled to herself, “ This oil is a male moisturiser, it will soften your skin up in no time at all,” handing him a sample in a small jar. “I’ve got a few more things for you; toilet water and bubble bath. This is so relaxing you won’t want to get out of the bath.”

Godfrey stared at her, “Thank you, for the extras,” feeling a bit special.

“This is a normal business practise. The customer gets the free samples and next time they may buy one of them. It usually works,” Peony said.

“So all this friendliness is just to get me back. Is that it?”

Peony laughed, “Don’t tell me you didn’t want to come back.”

“ I have to go now.”

“Going home to try out the bubble bath?” Peony smiled.

“ I have more important things to do. Good morning.”

Peony saw him to the door and waved him good-bye on his bicycle. She went back inside and closed the door. In the backroom she pulled back a blanket and picked up a tiny puppy and kissed it.

“Why didn’t you show him the puppy? He might like dogs?” Sonia asked.

“I’m not sure whether he likes anything. He certainly doesn’t like me,” Peony responded stroking the puppy’s head.

 

The winter got darker and colder. Anyone who didn’t have to go out stayed indoors watching television, occupying themselves with the computer, listening to music, and in the case of those more creative members of society; cooking, painting pictures, and making clothes. Thus the winter evenings went by pleasantly for many. And those like Godfrey? Some evenings he met up with some friends and went to a pub, the theatre, or the cinema. He made the effort because he spent all day at home and he felt like going out at night - if only for a drink.

 

On one dreary winter afternoon when grey was the dominating colour, it occurred to Peony to ring up Godfrey to see what he was doing.

“Hello, Godfrey, it’s me Peony. How are you? Just thought I’d ring to see what you were up to.”

Godfrey was surprised by the call as he tried not to think about Peony too much. “Peony, how lovely of you to ring. What are you doing on such a horrible afternoon?” 

Peony stared down at the puppy who was tearing away at her old slippers. “I’m going to have a lovely warm bubble bath. Like to join me?” Later on Peony asked herself why she had said that.

Godfrey swallowed twice, “We don’t know each other well enough for that. When I use the bubble bath it’ll be for me alone. Enjoy yourself. I have things to do. Thank you for ringing. Good bye.”

“Sorry to know you feel like that. Hope you enjoy your bubble bath by yourself. Good bye.” Peony had always been daring. Her motto was, ‘If you don’t make the effort you’ll never know.’ Well, she had made the effort and now she knew. Peony was more convinced than ever that Godfrey was a misogynist, she found it hard to believe that he was afraid of women.

 

That afternoon Godfrey made his mind up never to go near ‘Green Earth’ again. His cycle rides would be in the opposite direction. He wouldn’t tell anyone about himself, that was where danger lay.

Godfrey went travelling. He took his mother - no woman ever went near a man who was with his mother. Of course his mother was delighted. He chose a thirteen day cruise which started from Venice and then proceeded to Turkey and finished up in the Black Sea.

Both mother and son mixed and met other people on the ship. Godfrey’s mother was better than him at socialising, and enjoyed herself so much that she fancied going on another.

When they arrived back home he was the same old Godfrey and his mother rather livelier than she had been. It wasn’t difficult to see who had benefited more. Godfrey returned to his flat and his mother to her house in the country, and to her friends and relatives.

The year went passing by and his life didn’t change at all. He went out in the evenings but his cycle rides took him in different directions, because he chose to. Before the first cruise was over he had been approached by the tour guide, who had asked him if he would be interested in another cruise, if he booked then, there was a generous discount. As a surprise for his mother he had signed them both on for a Caribbean Islands and South American cruise, which would start after Easter.

 

On a sunny but not very warm day, Godfrey and his mother were picked up by coach and taken to where their floating home for the next eleven weeks was waiting. On the cruise they saw some really breathtaking scenes in hot weather, and even Godfrey’s mother got a slight suntan. They were taken down the Amazon to see the wonders of the rain forest. It was when they were navigating the most impressive river that either of them had ever seen, Godfrey’s mother told him, “Godfrey, I’m enjoying this so much. It’s like a dream come true, but this cruise is rather long for me.” Godfrey’s mother told him she felt a little too tired to go on another cruise so soon after the one they  were on. Godfrey said that it didn’t matter.

So mother and son went home. They were together in the family house for a couple of months and then Godfrey, wondering what state his flat would be in after so long an absence, went back to the city. The flat smelt rather closed-in and he went round opening the windows to let in some light and air.

 

Godfrey woke up one morning to the phone ringing. “Hello, darling. Happy birthday.”

He looked at the calendar. Mother’s never forget their children’s birthdays.

“Thank you, Mother. You’re the only one who’s rung so far.”

“Well, it’s rather early in the day. I wanted to catch you before you went out. Have a nice day. See you at the weekend for lunch. I’ll make something special for you, something I know you like .Good bye, Dear.”

 “Goodbye, and thank you. See you at the weekend.” They both rang off.

 

Godfrey had never told her about his visits to the herbal shop, there was no point. She would have been machinating to get him and Peony together. There was another reason, in all the time he was travelling he had never forgotten her fairy tale look. Just one more time, he thought as he got out his bicycle and took it to the street. Dressed in sports trousers and a sweat shirt over a t-shirt, he got on his bicycle and rode off in the direction of the park. Since he had made a promise never to go to that district, he had kept it - until now. The weather was quite similar to what it had been on his last birthday. The park looked the same, nothing seemed to be different. He saw the sign ‘Green Earth’ and entered. Sonia was at the counter serving a couple of women. She was chatting to them, and obviously not in a hurry. When she saw Godfrey she said, “Peony’s in the park, if you want to see her.”

“Thank you. I’ll pass by later to get something.”

 

Godfrey took his bicycle and crossed the road into the park. The only people present were those walking their dogs. Peony was one of them. Godfrey was on the point of walking up to her when he saw that she wasn’t alone. Her companion was a man of fifty or thereabouts, and then Godfrey saw that he also had a dog. The two dogs were the same breed. It was evident that Peony and the stranger were a couple.

Godfrey felt wretched for having lost out on what was probably his last opportunity to love and be loved. As he stood there the thought went through his head, I thought that one day I could forget you, but it isn’t true.

 

On his fifty-first birthday he rode away, and back to his loneliness.