Chapter Eight

March 2016

I had showered the taste of Liam away, I think. 

I had washed my body two times, and washed my hair, and conditioned it. I waited until 7:00 before I started to get dressed. I covered my arms in a buttermilk lotion, and let my hair drape over my shoulders, I pulled on jeans, and a jumper. I didn’t bring extra clothes, I presumed I wouldn’t be staying.

“Off out again?” I heard, and I turned around and smiled at Oliver, “When did you get here?” I stood up, and walked over to him, and pecked his cheek. “My dad is sat have a whiskey with yours, they are talking business.” he shrugged.

“You look nice, are you going somewhere?” he asked the obvious, “I am going to see Alec, I am sure you’ve heard.” I chuckled, and he nodded. “It’s all anyone is talking about, its hurting your father’s reputation.” he sat down on my bed, as I did my make up. “Well, maybe it’s about time he’s the one that gets hurt.” I snapped.

“Why don’t I walk you?” he offered, “I was going to take the car, it’s raining.” I looked out the window. “It’s only a ten minute walk, come on, I have an umbrella.” he told me, and offered me his arm, I seethed beneath, and walked to see him. 

“Liam called me.” I heard him say, and I shook my head and laughed, “He is over-reacting.” I ran to Alec’s defence. “Do you think? I don’t. Alec should understand you have male friends, that may have liked you in the past.” he tried to be nice, but there was an undertone I didn’t quite detect.

“Look, I really like this guy. Sure, he isn’t what everyone wants. But I want him.” I sighed, “I’m not saying he is a bad guy.” Oliver defended himself, “He’s protective, and you’re not even dating yet.” 

We weren’t, he was right. I was really falling for the boy, and I had no idea what he were. Was it too soon ask, after all we have been seeing each other for months, maybe I was just a play thing, his doll. But Alec wasn’t like, was he?

We stepped onto a well lit corner, and I smiled over at the boy waiting in the rain. “Have a good night.” he told me. “Oliver, do you think I am naive?” I asked him, he shook his head he grabbed me and held me, “You’ll figure it out, besides who am I to say if you are.” he smirked, and handed me the umbrella and ran off into the darkness.

Whereas I walked into the light. “Alec?” I asked, “You’re early.” he spoke. He nodded for me to follow him, “How long did you stay with Liam for today?” he asked me,”I left not long after you.” I sighed.

“I was thinking we could go and get a bite to eat, and then go to my place, did you bring some over night clothes?” he asked, and I shook my head, “I thought you would have.” he whispered, “I didn’t know if you’d want to me stay after this morning.” I shrugged, and without missing a beat, so collected he spoke, “How many times to I have to tell you I am always going to want you.” and he didn’t even flinch.

I’d always call him out on that. 

A few weeks before the accident, I found out he slept with my friend Amelia. You know, the princess.

“Do you still want me?” I asked him sadly, sat on the bed, as he leant against the window ledge, blowing smoke from his lips. “Why do you have to ask?” he frowned at me. I hadn’t let him touch me in weeks, knowing he’d touched her. I couldn’t. 

“You know the night, when you slept with her? Did you think of me?” my voice broke, “That’s all I did.” he spoke, not even looking at me.

“I suppose that’s something.” I tried to chuckle, “I was lonely. I know that’s no excuse, but you just weren’t around, you said you needed to be alone - and then I saw you at a bar with Liam and you were laughing, and you looked so happy - I just wasn’t thinking." he explained. “You know Liam, isn’t anything to worry about.” I reassured him. 

“You can say that all you want.” he chuckled, “I should probably be going home.” I told him. “You don’t have to, you can stay.” 

Did he want me to? That must have been the first sign of desperation for me in months. 

“We agreed to be friends, Alec.” I sighed, and slid on my shoes. “No, you agreed for me.” he whispered. “I can’t trust you, Alec. I don’t want to be with you, until I can trust you.” I reminded him. 

“I had one moment of weakness. Liam f*****g kissed you right in front of me. I know, I know you’ll say it didn’t mean anything, and he was drunk. But, it doesn’t matter if you are drunk, he meant it. I was drunk, but I wanted to hurt you when I fucked her.” I cringed, and shook my head. 

“I will speak to you in a few days.” I picked up my bag. But, Alec stood in front of the door. I wanted to scream and shout for him to move, but all my crying wouldn’t move him, he’d only want me to stay more. “Move, Alec.” I looked down, “Look at me, and tell me you don’t want me.” he put his hand under my chin, and brushed my hair back. 

After a moment of looking into his eyes, I couldn’t. “You can’t.” he whispered. “I’ll always want you. But, you promised me you wouldn’t hurt me. I asked you to ruin me, I know. Not kill me.” I tell him, and he shook his head, his anger boiling. 

His fist broke his colourful wall. I stepped back and covered my mouth. 

“This is what happens when you leave me.” he whimpered, but was red with rage and passion. “I can’t stay.” I told him. “Why?!” he screamed, and came up to my face, and whispered it “Why?”

“I love you. I do, I probably always will. But, I don’t like you anymore, Alec.” I whispered. “What do you mean, you don’t like me?” he asked me. “I love you. But, you shout at me, you-you call my horrible things and you scare me. You sleep with other girls. You drink way to much. You put chemicals into you body, that are killing your soul. The soul I loved has gone into to toxic shock with all of that cocaine. Alec, you make me get you drugs.” I spoke, “You aren’t the boy I loved.” 

“Loved?” he raised his eyebrows. “Have you ever stopped to think, that’s its not me who has changed? You were just blind.” he rose above me and toyed with a lighter. 

“Think about it, I mean, really. Think about it. Before me, you never so much as had a boy look at you besides, Liam, look at you. Your dresses have got shorter. Your hair has gotten longer. Your heels got higher. You drank more. Your lipstick got darker. You aren’t who I fell in love with. You were so innocent and sweet. Now? You’re stained, and broken. You were supposed to be different.” he told me. 

“You broke me.” I found my own confidence, “You changed me. You bought me those shorter dresses. You poured the vodka down my throat. You made me into this. So tell me, are you proud? Because this is it. This is what you’ve made. All I want to do, is drink, and have a cigarette. I want to go and stand in-between thirty older men, and forty young girls, in a corner bar, where no one can move. Where I can’t breath.

Tell me! Say you’re proud of this monster you’ve created. Do you love me? Do you love what I am? Am I everything you wanted? Or is that why you wanted Amelia? Because she was like I was, she was pure, and you wanted stain her?” I cried to him, and he frowned and sat on the end of the bed. 

“What do you want me to say?” he muttered, and let smoke fall around him. “I want you to say you’re sorry. I want to be free. I hate myself, because I love you. I love you after everything you’ve done to me. All the scars you’ve left. All the knives you’ve put in everyone’s back. All the times you’ve told me you don’t love me. I wanted to fix you. I wanted to prove to everyone that you weren’t that person. I wanted to prove that you weren’t a lost cause.” I sobbed. 

He stood, red. “Too much is wrong with me, thats the problem isn’t it? Too much is wrong with me. And you can’t do anything about that, and you can’t change that. You can’t fix me, I’m not broken I don’t need to be fixed. I am me.” he screamed. “Then, I won’t try.” I wiped my eyes, and picked my bag up. 

“That’s it, you’re just going to give up on me?” he turned into a frightened child, one who scared of the dark. Scared of himself. “I’m not sure there is anything left, to fight for.” I tell him, “Just stay.” he begged, took a step closer and cupped my face “You can’t do that.” I laughed, but fought away the escaped tears.

“You can’t say all of these things and then ask me to stay.” I try not to sob, “Isn’t that us though. We hurt each other, and we scream and we shout. I tell you I hate Liam, you tell me I’m too much of a flirt, I tell you that a boy was staring and you’ll tell me that I drink too much and then we fall. We break each other, because we like fixing each other.” he grabbed my arm. “Nothing, will ever get fixed if we always break it, sometimes, you just can’t fix it. There’s too many pieces, and too many cracks for it to work.” I whispered, and he kissed my cheek.

“I will always fix you. I promise not to break you, I promise only to mildly damage you.” he smirked, and like that I fell, I drowned. I couldn’t breath, with his lips against me. He swallowed me whole, I had died, and landed back in the angels arms, with the dark wings. I was done, I knew I loved the feel of his scars, and loved how he hurt me. I loved how he called me a b***h. He loved how I cried. He loved to see me suffer at his hands. Only his hands.

But, we aren’t there yet. 

I sat on his couch as he played the piano. I watched his long fingers tickle the keys, and I smiled at him, cup of coffee in my hand. “You know when I was a kid, I used to hide my heart. My mother told me, if I give it too the wrong person. It will break.” he turned to me, “Who did you end up giving it too?” I asked softly, his low humming voice sending me into a euphoric state.

Alec ignored me. Turned to the cupboard in the corner, full of books, and ripped a page from Pride and Prejudice. He began to rip and tear the page, the words crying as he tore more and more. Little flutters, of white fell around him. He came over to me with a with the tatter of a page. “Open it.” he told me. 

He’d ripped a heart-shaped piece, and folded it in half. I smiled up at him, “Read it.” he told me. I did. It read - You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

Gulped, was that his way of saying it? Those three little words, that struggled to come out. That I didn’t know, that were like speaking french. “Is that you giving me your heart?” I whispered, he laughed at me, “Only if you want to keep it.” his lips grew into a smile, and his teeth shone. “If you want me to, I’ll keep it.” I tell him, he rolled his eyes and sat down beside me.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked me, “You don’t need to ask. Just do it.” I beg him. “I want to be sure.” he told me, “This will be my second kiss. You said I wouldn’t have to wait as long for this one.” I grin, and he shook his head, “I didn’t answer.” he corrected me. “Are you going to?” 

With that he kissed me, and I fell into him. I melted into his lips, and waited for him to stop, but he didn’t. He brought me a little closer, brought his hand behind my back, and dipped his tongue into my mouth. I smiled into his kiss, and accepted his tongue, as we danced between each other’s lips. I loved him. It felt like he loved me. I waited for him to stop, but he didn’t.