Chapter Seven

March 2016

I remember those three months went quickly. I’d spent endless nights in Alec’s apartment, let him photograph me. His cherub faced babe. I’d look at his wall of beautiful things, i’d crept onto it. Pictures of me scattered amongst everything that lay around us. From India to France, and even Morocco. 

A key ring and picture in front of the Eiffel Tower, Skinny dipping in Spain, dancing on tables in morocco, and we even went to India. But, I will tell you all of that later. 

Things weren’t easy, they never would be. My father would still scowl, but my mother would blush as he spoke french to her, showing his artistic side. I just enjoyed seeing him in my kitchen, he made this house more of a home.

However, I hadn’t seen that room or him for two weeks. He’d gone home to see his mother. His mother knew nothing of me, and I only wish I’d have seen more of her before her quick death. Alec worshipped the bones of her, and equally, she adored him. 

He’d call me every other night, tell me of his day, ask about mine. Then sleep. Time differences pained us. Little by little, the days felt okay. They were shorter. Liam had spent an admirable amount of time with me, taking me for morning coffee, lounging around in his apartment in nothing by baggy shirts and warm blankets. Ordering takeout food, watching old movies, reading and discussing literature. 

I felt like he’d be my Edgar. in a fiction world. Offering me safety, comfort, and luxuries. None of which I whole-hearted wanted, but I could have lived with it. Alec would be my Heathcliff. Even death couldn’t server the tie we made. 

This was the last night I would be spending at Liam’s for a while, and the idea of hat made sadness touch my brain. I’d slowly become accustom to his messy kitchen, and slightly cluttered bedroom. I found pleasure in falling asleep beside him, his gentle snores, like poetry. I enjoyed hearing his laugh as he watched day time TV. The small things made for the best moments.

It was seven o’clock. The final nights food was being cooked. I sat on the counter of his small kitchen, he had creamed chicken cooking in a large blue pan. “I’ll miss seeing you in my kitchen.” he smirked up at me stabbing potatoes with a knife. I blushed. 

I chuckled too, he seemed a little lost in the kitchen - I took the knife, and I delicately sliced the potatoes. “I won’t want to sleep in my own bed!” I exclaimed, and he laughed at me with his arms folded tightly across his chest. “You’ll be sleeping in Alec’s.” he reminded me, realisation had hit us. 

This wonderland we’d be living in, it was far to easy. It was always far too easy with him. That was the difference, I suppose. With Liam it was always roses and sweetness. Happy days, and long walks. A love that was delicate and fragile. 

The wonderland was not the same with Alec. It was always so intense. It was always darkness and thunder. Echoes in the night. Screaming and Fighting. A that love was the best kind.

“I suppose I will be.” I tried to smile, I really did try too.

This feeling of not wanting to leave Liam, would become far to familiar. Month’s later, I had done three drug runs, found Alec lying in bed with another girl and a cigarette between his fingers, and I had not stopped crying for three days. Liam took my hand when he found me outside, and he sheltered me, asked why I cried and why I had blood dripping from me

Alec then emerged. High as a skyscraper, but looking as low as the subway. Bags under his eyes and that Baby, I’m sorry look. It didn’t work that time. Liam grabbed him by the scruff of his collar, and punched him in the jaw. Offered me a hand, told me to come with him, I took one look at Alec and he looked up at me with that Baby, don’t leave me look. I shook my hand and gave him the Not this time look.

“I can’t keep saving you. This is the chance, if you go back to him after this - then I won’t be responsible for you.” he whispered in the front seat of his car, and I nodded shaking, my nose bleeding, and head pounding. “I think I’m passed saving.” I shook, he threw his jacket around me.

Then two heavy hands threw themselves onto the car bonnet, and gasped seeing the beast-man clawing the bonnet - “Indie! I’m sorry, I just care. I know I lied but I did it with love.” he screamed, “Love?” I heard Liam scoff, like he knew what that was.

“I need to say good-bye to him.” I spoke, Liam shook his head and I cried. “You need to leave him behind once and for all.” he whispered to me.

“Indie! I love you. Do you hear me? I f*****g love you!” he screamed at me, and covered me ears, and told Liam to drive.

That night Liam gave me a shirt, and his sofa. A bottle of whiskey, and his shoulder. It led to the hardest choice I ever had to make. 

“Why couldn’t I love you?” I whispered, holding the bottle of whiskey and shaking with it. “You do, just not how you need too.” he told me, and reached over and wiped my hair from my face. 

I realised then that love is a fictitious concept, created to break hearts and give reason for selfish acts. This act would be the last.

“You know, my ears are still ringing from the sound of my heart breaking?” I whispered, and drowned myself in the arms of Liam, “For some reason, I thought love conquered all. That when you fell in love everything would fall into place. Time would pass but it would be okay, because he’d show up.” I sighed.

“Everything, hurts.” Liam muttered, “You’re going to hurt for a long time. Do you remember when that night outside of the charity gala, and you said to me “I know you’re scared, but don’t ever stop yourself from falling in love, just because I don’t love you.” Don’t cheat yourself out of such an experience. Because yes, while it may end in heartbreak. It’s a risk you have to take. God d****t just live! You said. And fall in love. You begged.” he brushed hair out of my face. Then it really was him I wish I loved. He was so beautiful, his beauty surpasses sight. He has a heart of purity, loyalty and honesty.

However, it was a while before that would happen. For now, I worried about sleeping in a house that wasn’t Liam’s. But, so excited to see his face again, and wondering if he would tell me he missed me in his rasp, deep voice. I waited for that.

The night carried on, and I waited and waited for the moment of sleep to come. But Liam wanted to save this last night, he wanted to stay up late and chat, and talk, and tell me about his demons at 2AM.

He wanted to speak about the girl he met. When he was of doing who knows what for all those months on end. I loved watching him talk about her. He was a universe all unto himself, with galaxies in his eyes, nebulas in his mind, and her world in his very being. “She sounds wonderful.” I told him, and that smile was a real as I could make, though I felt my face crack with it. “She was, until I found out she was sleeping with someone else.” he frowned, and drowned in his thoughts. “I’m sorry.” I said, not really knowing what I was apologising for. “Sometime you have to loose something to know what you already have.” he whispered, and winked at me.

We fell asleep, and into sweet dreams of what tomorrow could bring. Dreams of Liam’s hands wrapped around me were as much of a dream as it was a reality. However, dreams of thunder and storms soon cast upon our heads, as a dreadful bang shattered around the window lit room. 

We moaned and groaned as we woke. I pulled Liam’s shirt down over me to cover my pale thighs, walked over to the door with a feeling of unbelievable dread.

The tingling sensation of waking up with his hands placed on me, had still not left. I didn’t know if it ever would. Liam stayed on the couch and lit a cigarette. The door fought with me, but it caved and opened. Stood before me was an dark angel. A white shirt caressed his body, tight jeans made it hard to breath. 

“Alec, I thought I was meeting you at the airport?” I spoke, and I heard Liam’s head snap this way, he stood up, and coughed. “I will give you two a moment.” he gulped, and nodded my way. I opened the door for Alec to come in, he shook his head.

“I went to your house. I got an early flight, I wanted to take you out for breakfast. Show you my pictures. Listen to how much you had missed me.” he looked up and down my body, I remembered how little I wore, and how it wasn’t my own. Someone had soiled his territory. 

“We still can, let me just go and grab some clothes and then we can.” I grabbed his arm, trying to pull him in.

He looked at me differently. Like I was an unfamiliar girl, like I was filthy. “No.” he replied, “But, I want to.” I whispered, and dropped his arm. “You should have thought of that before you spent the night here.” he told me, “He’s a friend.” I frowned, and he laughed, “He wants to f**k you.” he chuckled, and I shook my head.

“Don’t be so ignorant.” I snarled, and he rose his eyebrows at me. “You really don’t see it? Don’t see why you shouldn’t be here. You kissed him, when you wanted me. Now, you’re lying in his living room, in his t-shirt, with the smoke of his cigarette. When less than a month ago that is exactly what you were doing with me.” he snapped. 

“It’s not like that with Liam. It’s just easy.” I whispered, and he shook his head, “It’s not easy with me?” he asked me, “You know it won’t be.” I spoke. I was convincing myself Alec was a bad idea. “You’re only proving everyone who said we couldn’t make it, right.” he went to leave.

“Alec!” I shouted, and he turned back. “I’ve not stayed here just tonight.” honesty sounded good on my voice. “I’ve stayed here every night while you were gone.” 

I remembered his face. It would be the face that broke my heart. It was the same look that he had when his mother died. The look of loss was obvious on his face. 

“Please, don’t be mad.” I told him, he shook his head and walked for and took my face unto his hand, and placed his lips gently against my forehead. Moving to my ear his hot breath whispered, “Wasn’t I the one who was suppose to ruin you?” he told me, sadness in his voice. 

“You still can.” I pulled back, and let him take a moment. Afraid he was going to leave me, and the wonderful sense of being I had found in the company of his arms would soon be over, I waited.

“Come to my apartment at 8pm. I don’t want to see you until you’ve take that shirt off, and showered away the taste of him. He’s on your skin. I smell him.” he whispered, in a slightly threatening tone. “I didn’t sleep with him, Alec.” I defend myself, and he nodded, “I know. I know you’ve slept beside him though. He’s there.”  he paused and touched my arm, “there,” he paused again and touched my thigh, shivering as he did so as if he felt a burn from where Liam’s hand had fallen, and a final “there.” fell onto my heart.

“I will see you tonight.” I whispered, he nodded, dropped his hand from my heart and left.

I turned and saw Liam stood by the door that led to the bedroom. “I need to go.” I spoke, “Is that how it is always going to be?” Liam asked, as I scooped up my clothes, and bag to excuse myself. “What do you mean, Liam?” I spoke, flushed from it all. “Him before me. Leaving my house in a hurry because of the effect he has on you?” he frowned, and shook his head in overwhelming disappointment.

“No.” I lied, trying to get passed him, instead I was far to close as he didn’t move. “Are you really going to let him ruin our friendship?” he was concerned. I understood. But he didn’t need to be. 

“He’s not, but he has a point. Why he has been gone, I have spent every single night lying in bed with you.” I felt disgusted, realising how it must have looked. If he’d had done it, I would have said no more.

“You weren’t complaining about it, until he pointed it out.” he moved for me to get through. “I just don’t want to loose him, Liam.” I sighed, and he shook his head, “Yeah, well. I don’t want to loose you either.” he coughed and excused himself then.

I left then and with a feeling of overwhelming guilt, I went home, showered and went for find Alec.