Chapter Six

December 2016

The toxic smell of cigarettes and alcohol filled my nostrils. It was hard to breath as the smoke made the air thick. I felt exposed, inked boys and bearded men glared at me. Girl’s wore less than me, mini skirts, and b**b tubes seemed to be the focus of the evening. 

I kept grip of Liam’s hand as he pulled me through the torn up floor boards. He took me into the kitchen - of sorts. He dropped my hand and I tumbled a little bit. Liam smirked at his friends, and gave them hard hugs, and hard hand shakes, but he turned back to me and gently put his hand on my back.

“This is Indie.” he introduced me over the loud bass music. “Oh so your the girl he has an infatuation with.” a boy chuckled, and walked over to me with a cigarette between his lips, blowing the smoke in my face, I coughed a little. “I seem to have that effect.” I smirked at him. Blue eyes and brown hair, rather short, but he had muscles hiding, shying from me.

“I like this one. I’m Nick.” he smirked, and handed me a drink. “I don’t drink.” I told him, and everyone seemed to be watching us. “Not even for a new year.” he chuckled, and I took the drink from him and swallowed it, whole.

I remembered one night about four months into the new year. I was in Alec’s apartment with him, and he had smashed two bottles of whiskey, and one of vodka. 

I’d locked myself in his bedroom, and my back was pressed to the door, knees up and tight to my chest. He sat the other side, and whispered Indie. I shook, and wiped my mascara tears. 

“Why do you drink so much?” I spoke through the door, “It’s poison.” I sighed. 

It’s poison. You’re right. There are things inside of me that I need to kill.

However, right now the vodka was good, and the smoke was addicting. It had reached the count down, everyone huddled in the kitchen, I was stood next to Liam. “Are you going to be my new year’s kiss?” he whispered, snaking his arm around my waist, and I blushed a crimson under him.

“You can be mine if you want to?” I heard the boy from earlier but in, and I pushed him slightly, he blew me a kiss as a blonde girl took his hand and pulled him away.

Then it started.

Ten times I would cry a month.

Nine more scars.

Eight night’s that I would sleep in my own bed. 

Seven hospital stays. 

Six thousand dollars made.

Five months of hoping things would get better. 

Four broken bones. 

Three drug overdoses. 

Two boys that loved me. 

One death.

And at one, Liam gave me the devils kiss. Cursing my year.

I pulled away laughing at him, my hand resting on his chest. “Happy new year.” I whispered to him, and he chuckled and brushed my hair back kissing my forehead “Happy new year.” 

Moving back from him joining in with the thundering clap, everything froze.

My bones chilled. 

Alec had kept his promise. I saw him on new year. 

“Alec?” I whispered, and with a cigarette between his lips he walked out of the back door. I went to follow him, but people stood in front of me, and it was hard to move. But I broke through the barricade, and made it outside and the cold air hit me. Alec stood at the bottom of the garden, puffing smoke out. The flowers around his feet wilted under his heavy boots.

“Alec?” I saw him go stiff, and I touched his arm. He still didn’t move. “I kept my promise.” he whispered, he didn’t need to be loud - all you could hear was our breathing, the twisting of the wind in the trees, and the burning of the cigarette. 

“I know, Alec. I didn’t know you’d be here.” I said, hoping he’d understand. “Are you telling me you wouldn’t have kissed him if you knew i’d be here?” he asked me, and now he turned to face me. “Liam is just a friend.” I said, he shook his head taking another drag. “That makes me feel better, really, it does.”

“I’ve known him for years, it was just a joke.” I tried to convince him. “I get it, Indie. You got bored of waiting.” he stomped on the cigarette, and I scoffed. “I didn’t. I waited. I spent almost every day wondering why you didn’t call me. Wondering if you even wanted me.” I almost let my voice hide the disgust in my voice.

“Where did you go?” I whispered, my voice quite as he turned around slowly. He didn’t answer me, “It doesn’t matter, just go home. You don’t belong here - Liam brought you here to prove a point.” he shook his head. “You don’t get to tell me where I belong.” I shout at him.

“Look at you!” he yelled, “You look…” he tried to come up with something, anything to make me leave, to hurt my feelings. “You look beautiful.” he whispered and ran his fingers through his hair, his internal struggle made external. “That’s why you don’t belong here.” he told me, and I sighed and walked towards him, and grabbed his hand, “Something that looks as delicate as you do in that dress, will be ruined.”

“What are you doing?” he asked wearily, and I didn’t know myself. “Do you really want me to leave?” I frowned, and he didn’t answer me. “Because if you do, then I will go. But if I go now, then I don’t want to see you again.” I told him - he didn’t answer, he just looked at our intertwined fingers. 

“I suppose that’s my answer.” I sighed, and dropped his hand. 

I walked past him. Waiting for him to shout my name and take me in his arms, but things like that only happen in the movies.

I walked down the cold street at just after midnight. It had started to rain. Fireworks shouted in the distance. With no jacket I wrapped my arms around myself - loneliness was the only thing that made me feel something.

Slowly a black car approached me. I knew he’d come after me, I just wish he’d had come before the rain. He wound the window down, “Get in, Indie.” he kept his eyes forward. “Give me a reason.” I begged him, and he got out of his car, letting rain soak him. 

“I could give you a million reasons.” He muttered, and touched my face softly cupping it, “I only need one.” I told him stepping closer, “I need you.” he told me, “That’s not good enough.” I shook my head.

“I promised myself that I wouldn’t love you.” he began and my heart stopped, “and I don’t. But it was 4am and you were breathing beside me, and I felt happy for the first time in a long time, and I knew that my promise was fucked, because someday, I would love you.” he paused, but before I could speak he started again, “4am knows all my secrets.” he added.

“That’s a good enough reason.” I smiled, and he gently placed a kiss on my lips, and I smirked under his lips - “Was that worth the wait?” he whispered, and I nodded slowly. “Do I have to wait as long for the next one?” I asked him softly, and he shook his head and took my face again but this time kissing my forehead, and I chuckled letting him then lead me into the car. 

I sat in the warm smoke of his car, letting him keep the window open a little so it would fall out. I smirked down at my hands, my lips still tingling from his touch.

I looked down at my phone and without thinking answered it. “Hello.” I smirked, seeing Alec’s eye catch me. “Indie, where are you, you disappeared?” Liam spoke into the phone, worry and concern in his voice, but masked and hidden with alcohol. 

“I’m with Alec.” I told him, and the other end of the phone was silent, “Liam?” I spoke, and the car got a little bit faster, I felt myself go further into my seat. “You’ve not seen me in a year, and you run off with him?” he snarled down the phone, “I just needed to talk to him, we can go out tomorrow, I’ll bring over your favourites - I always know how to cure your hangover’s.” I never had to convince him too much, but he chuckled and spoke “Be over at 11 with a coffee?” he teased, and I laughed and hummed a pleasant yes. 

“See you tomorrow.” he told me, and “Goodbye, Liam.” was what I said.

I hung up, and looked to Alec. Vein pulsing in his neck - “Alec? Are you okay?” I asked him, and he didn’t answer me. “Alec?” I spoke this time in a more demanding voice.

“Did you really just do that?” he muttered, and I gulped “Do what?” I sighed, and he took my phone from my lap. “I need to know that you have no feelings for him.” he suddenly slammed the breaks on. 

“What?” I spoke unable to comprehend the idea - “You just kissed him and now you’re talking to him like you know him - like no other person does. So, I will ask you again.” he spoke to me, “You don’t need to ask.” I gulped, not knowing if he really did need too. He didn’t say anything then, he just drove. Into the moonlit sky.

But he stopped. Outside a far too familiar house. “Why have you brought me home?” I whispered, and he didn’t let go of the wheel. “You should probably go inside, they’ll be wondering where you’ve gotten too.” he told me, and I refused to move. “I won’t go in there without you.” I stood my ground, sitting in the seat that grew colder by the second.

“I’m not a bring home to the mother type.” he looked over at me, and I sighed and reached for his face. “You won’t come back if I get out of this car, will you?” I frowned, hating his distance more. 

“I want you to come back.” I said, desperation dripped of me, and he seemed to love it. “I’ll always come back, Indie. I did this time, didn’t I?” he told me, and for some reason I believed him. 

“Then come inside with me.” I sighed, and took my hand from his face, he pulled the keys from the ignition. “Get out then.” he smirked over at me, and like that his mood had changed he was foreign now.  “Am I going to be able to understand you?” I asked him softly, and he shrugged his shoulders, keeping his head down. We got inside and my father was sat in the kitchen with glasses and empty plates around him, and a glass of scotch.  “I’ll talk to him.” I whispered, and he shook his head, “I will.” he told me, and he kissed my head, told me to go upstairs and he’d call me tomorrow. 

I didn’t find out what he said to my father straight away, but for the next two weeks my father didn’t say anything bad about him. He encouraged us.

He’d ask where Alec was, he’d invite him over without my knowing. I never knew why, it wasn’t until June.

That’s where our story really starts. That’s where the downward spiral really began.