Ivy

Wrote this after having a night at a gay club. enjoy!

I get older and don't know who to believe now

My parents, friends, new friends

Everyone has an opinion somehow

Mom doesn't like seeing me with my b***s out

And dad wants me to worship a fictional man who lives in the clouds

As I grow older I feel less connected to the name "Nia"

So I took the name George and at the end added a Gia

Now no one will no name

No one will know the home from which I came

No one will know that in 10th grade I was considered lame

And no one will know all the miseries that have left me with shame

Because now Nia feels like a girl of the past

And now things just aren't the same

Reviews

[Ookpik]

Aha, the joys of being twenty - I remember the clubs, and the house parties, the f*****g, the fighting and the uninhibited novelty that comes from experiencing what this world has to offer for what seemed like the first time.

It caught up to me, mind you, around twenty-six/twenty-seven, but I imagine that's beside the point.

As to the writing, I wouldn't take all of Jay's comments below to heart. I write structured material myself, but when I was starting out I focused more on what I felt I needed to express. Pursuing that can be more important, I think, and your work here gives me the impression that you understand that. Write about what excites you, what excites your audience, and the technical elements will follow.

New York was never my town, Vancouver was, but I imagine there's lots to see and do there. Look forward to reading more.

-Ook

[Georgia Ivy]

Tysm!! I really appreciate it

[JayG]

If you're going to rhyme, you need to use the strengths of structured poetry. The nature of it is to provide a predictable, and interesting rhythm that the reader can "fall into." Simply dropping rhymes into a piece, can work against you.

For example, the line, "Now no one will no name," is convoluted because you needed a rhyme for "came," So reads like a tongue-twister. And how do you "no name" someone?

The thing to remember is that they've been refining the skills of poetry for centuries. So take advantage of that. Dig into the skills that the great used and make them yours. As Wilson Mizner puts it: “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” So...research.

Jump over to Amazon and read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. It's a fantastic intro to the basics of structured poetry, and what he has to say about the flow of language is something all writers should know. His book is great, but these days, for structured poetry I recommend Mary Oliver's, Rules for the Dance. She's a great poet and teacher.

And for nonstructured Poetry, her, A Poetry Handbook is a true gem. You can download a readable copy from the site linked to just below.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

So...not what you hoped to hear, I know. But since no one tells us that we're given only nonfiction writing skills in school, we pretty much all start out falling into the same traps. So it's not a matter of talent.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow