Unhealthy dose

Just some dark poetry.

As I sit here in the silence
So devided by the violence
Sown up jacket. Oh so tightly.
In the gloom she calls me nightly.
Running chills upon my back
and twisting nerves that I lack.
Forever more will I be near you.
Forever  will I touch you, feel you.
You can't keep me here, you see.
Take this damn thing off of me.
Let me bend and break the bars.
Lacerations and wicked scars.
In the dark I wait and hide
to be the nightmare at your side
A shadow black with blood red eyes
and chitter dark mournful cries.
I'll sit here in my padded cell
and wait for light in darkest hell.

Author's Note

I agree. The rhyme scheme is a bit forced. Guess I was going for that strained voice. A desperation of sorts. Thanks for the honest feedback though.

Reviews

[El Suplexo]

You know, there is a lot of crappy poetry that floats around on this website . . . but this just isn't one of them. Yes, the rhyming scheme is alittle forced, in someplaces it fits rather nicely. And you didn't make the mistake that a lot of people, myself included, why they focus so much on rhyming that they kill the flow and beat of the poem. It feels very well timed and moves well. I didn't know you did poetry, but job job.

[Brianna Brie]

You use a lot of strong words that drive home the feeling. I enjoyed it.

[Morgan Ashire]

Decent direction and very good imagery. There is just one question looming above everything else. Why? There seems to be no apparent reason, not to mention there is a continued, but not constant reversal of objective here. It's let me stay, let me out, let me stay, let me out and all not too intentionally. From what I gather from this piece, its, "HEY! I'M IN HERE! YOU'RE KEEPING ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!" and then, for no apparent cause or reason it changes to, "HEY! LET ME OUT OF HERE! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!" Now, I wouldn't be mentioning it if it had seemed intentional. Also, there is no back story or motive mentioned..well...anywhere. There is no probable cause of why he's being held, or by whom, other than what could possible be a woman/lover, but that's stretching between the lines very far. Its a decent piece, but just not enough substance to make it anything other than merely circumstantial.

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My honest feedback . . . I truly think this is amazing. Very dark, sad . . . desperate. The theme I think you are reaching for. Love lost . . . bitterness . . . hopelessness, and absolute grief. But, I do sense strength in the end. Much strength.

[darkgurl]

I think it's wonderful the way it is, very well put, wonderfully written, I do like your style.

[Voltaire Mephisto (aka ..]

I like the poem, but the rhyme feels forced and the meter is off in places. What you wrote about made the piece interest and held my attention.

[Jadey]

Very intense, scary. Your excellent with the images you paint in ones mind.

[R. L. Ambar]

Really strong poem....

Good work

Rocher