Metamorphosis.(confused.angry.weak).

This is basically a journal which i wrote down while i was feeling a little bit down and depressed about the truth."truth becomes a friend,it helps you be a better you".

I am nothing but a mere caterpillar.finding myself a home that would suit me.traveling the road which i traveled less.contemplating much as to where that single butterfly may be.the one who made my existence possible.does she wish me the best?is she as beautiful as what i am supposed to be?to wherever i may be,does she think of me as to how i sometimes wish to see her even just in my dreams?when i'd bear my wings and learn to fly,would she be waiting for me up there to see if ever i'd fall down?---these are the questions left unanswered.questions which i never wanted to answer.
(Confused)
A person's name is as important as to her personality.securing myself with both weapons,none was enough to make me think that I've already found out what i was and who i was.when everyone else would try to tell me who i was.i often shout it out to my inner depths that I was never really that..it wasn't me whom they really saw. it was rather my shadow.my inner nemesis...old people often say that happiness is priceless. it cant be faked. it can never be played..but i say,living my life with pain and anger,that thing they call "happiness" is as easily played as to singing a birthday song..it becomes a routine rather than a gift...the key was kept for sudden,yet short while.my keepers never understood how it hard it was for me to unlock my chest when others tried to open it forcefully with sharp knives,hammers and axes.in short,i was ruined.way too destroyed before they could even notice it.bearing the feeling,i never wanted to spare some for my keepers.cause forever,i owe them my own existence.not to the fact that they conceived me but to the act that they have chosen me was enough for me to keep them unharmed.subtle.unperturb.
(Angry)
It wasn't long before i realized that the feeling i had was the anger i bore.i wasn't angry just because this is what i am.rather,i hated whom i become after i learned what's inside my chest.a pound of truth waiting to hit me in the face. it was what i have.what i saw.what i felt..this might sound too selfish but the reason why people keep diaries and journals is because they wanted to say what they feel.cry out what they have inside.pour out every ounce of pain without being criticized.in my case,i could simply say that it was what i wanted...being angry at the world is another thing.being mad at myself is the thing.the world surprises me that much that even i can't stand being in it. Ive tried out ways to make things right.to clear off the gibberish thoughts i have.to make my mind settle on its own...but in all fairness it was of no use at all. it made me even worse.for a moment i get mad at nothing.i hated people around me.and my approach?twas always on the hard side.putting on the toughest mask day after day makes me tired.makes me want to give up and drown myself...drown and simply disappear.
(Weak)
Simply disappear---resort of the weak.people who never wanted to face their fears.people who hated compromising.approaches and the like.yes i may sound so pathetic and desperate but yes,its the last thing id want to do. no change that,the only thing i wanted to do.I'm no phony diamond.i cant shimmer and then fade at the end.if i had the chance of moving forward.taking two steps ahead each and everyone,i would've gone earlier to where I'm supposed to be.to where they wanted me to be...a very dear person once told me "you have to learn to accept yourself".he was my wonder wall.my savior.my keeper.my dad.
For some,no matter how good you become they would always try to bring you down...and as for me,i lose a feather for each tear.i lose two for faking a smile.and as for everything,i've now become a flightless bird.its might sound peculiar for me to wish to be two creatures at a time but nonetheless,it might bring out the best in me. Now I've found shelter in my new found company.the trees that stand tall but would soon fall,the leaf that shielded me which would soon wither, and the sand that i used to crawl and bury my self deep into which would soon be washed away by the rain and blown by the wind.this might somehow prove that no situation,happening,feeling,place would stay the same.
Maybe in time id heal my own scars.maybe in time id be able to spread my own wings.maybe in time id embrace the air and love it's support.but as of now,id love to have some time.a peace of mind and then maybe,just maybe id be my own beautiful butterfly.


/Genevieve Margaux/

Author's Note

Note:it is a journal.an expression of what i feel so please dont be so harsh on anything or everything.