The Weight of All Sorrow

Catherine's choices force Raphael into a position where he has to make a difficult one of is own.

His brothers were worried.  Raphael knew it and was troubled to know he was the source of their concern.  He knew that peace lay in simply accepting his non-role in Catherine’s life which, theoretically, should have been an easy task to accomplish.  A little objectivity and a quick step back should have helped him become a little more detached.   No matter how hard he tried to let go of the longing, it would not leave him in peace.

And so it was and continued to be.  Raphael watched over Catherine, sharing in her grief and mourning her losses without knowing that he did so.  It was impossible, after all, to identify emotions he had never experienced before.  Through it all his faithful brother, Gabriel, stood loyally by.  Taking on the responsibilities Raphael was too distracted to fulfill, waiting to see what would come of it all.  

“I feel as if I am loosing my mind!  She no longer makes a sound.   She does not speak or cry... yet I hear her as loudly as if she were screaming.  Her heart calls for the child she has lost and it is all I can hear.  She is all I can see.”  Was it possible for an angel to go mad?  Surely it must be, as Raphael felt himself already more than halfway there.

“Can you not step away, brother, if only for a moment?  Your focus has shifted from the many you have watched over so diligently, to this one woman.  She is not the only one in need of guidance.”   Yes, guidance… something Raphael desperately needed at the moment, though Gabriel was loath to say it aloud.

“I will not turn away now.  To do so would feel as though I were leaving her as alone as she perceives herself to be.  If I was to step back now and she were to come to harm…”  Guilt washed over him at the mere thought of failing her so.

“What happens to her is God’s will, Raphe.”  He knew Gabriel was only trying to offer him a comfort and was filled with regret that his efforts were wasted.  “So help me, if God’s will be that she come to harm then I could not abide it!”  The venomous anger behind those words shocked them both beyond speech.  Gabriel watched, bewildered, as his brother hung his head shamed by the betrayal revealed in his own words. 

“Tell me,Raphael, is there anything to be done to end your torment?  There must be a way to restore your peace.”  Gabriel felt as helpless as the little shrug that drifted across his brother’s shoulders.  “That is an answer I do not have.”  A lie, Raphael learned at that moment, could fall from one’s lips as quickly and easily as a prayer.  Unfortunately, its effect was quite different.  Specifically, when the lie was taken for truth, as Gabriel had.  Angels did not suffer as Raphael did, after all.  They had no need for deception or subterfuge. 

The undeniable connection between Raphael and Catherine was both strange and new.  The fear such newness evoked was staggering.  There was a good chance that his happiness lay somewhere along the woman’s path, and an equally good chance that his demise lay there as well.

“I long to hold her in my arms.  I wish to offer the smallest of comforts that she has rarely known and yet has given so freely.  I ache to weep with her, to help carry the burden of her losses.”  Head in hands Raphael keened on bended knee, never once taking his eyes off the object of his torment.  “To lust is a sin and yet I lust to help one woman be whole again.” 

What does one say to another in the face of such anguish?  Words are not strong enough to ease such suffering.  Somehow ‘Our Father works in mysterious ways’ just didn’t seem the right words to fit the situation.  Michael would have used those exact words.  Gabriel knew better than to try.  Uttering not a sound he simply placed a steadying hand on Raphael’s shoulder, his unspoken vow to watch over him as he maintained his vigil.

***

Catherine’s descent into darkness was a slow one and every step she took into the abyss found Raphael following after her.  A passive destruction of self, her weapon of choice made all the more frustrating to watch as the people around her remained unaware.

Hunger and appetite were the first to go, and with their loss came a disturbing drop in weight.  Catherine no longer saw the point in nourishing herself if there was no one left with which to share the meal.  Raphael’s fear grew with every passing moment.  Every new way she found to give up on life became just another unbearable weight to carry. He could do no more than watch helplessly. 

The whole of Heaven slid into unrest as Raphael took to ranting and raving aloud to her.  It didn’t matter how useless it was for him to do so.  He didn’t care that she couldn’t hear him.  All that mattered was being able to release some of these strange emotions she inspired in him. 

The skies above the Earth gradually darkened, echoing the gray desolation of winter that lay below where the one woman barely clung to life.  Storms raged in celestial hearts as they did in the clouds above mortal heads and left Raphael wondering if perhaps this was what Lucifer had experienced before his long fall into the inferno:  A tangled mass of emotion far stronger than any one being should have to carry.  

Unaware of the pain she was causing, Catherine continued to succumb under the weight of her sorrow.  Sleep became a way of life.  Gone was any interaction with the outside world.  There was no longer any one who knew her well enough to call on her and draw her out of her misery.  Then, just as Raphael began to feel he could take no more, everything changed. 

One year to the day of Molly’s passing, Catherine woke with a smile.  Suddenly it was as if all those impossibly darkened days and nights had never happened.  For the first time in a very long time she actually got up out of bed to greet the day instead of lingering under the blankets until her tears ran dry and that awful numbness set in.

Her angel watched in confusion as she showered, dressed and took the time to bother with her hair.  A determined stride took her through the door and out into the world, dry eyed and pink cheeked.  Raphael felt hope swell up inside of him as he considered this strange twist of events. 

Sometime during the long night before she had made that very difficult decision; the one her heart had struggled with since Molly's passing.  Life or death?  That final choice had been made and now she would not be veered away from fulfilling it.

Her heart still called out but the cry was different now.  The sadness had subsided enough to allow the introduction of a new emotion: anticipation.  But what was she looking forward to? What decision had she come to?  These human emotions had been far easier to decipher when Raphael had been merely observing them.  Now that they were gripping him tightly it was impossible to foresee where this new day would lead them.

“She goes to the cemetery, brother, where Molly’s body lies in rest.  Perhaps she has chosen to finally say her farewell and move on.”  Gabriel had taken it upon himself to watch the souls Raphael had turned away from. 

“I can no longer hear her voice, Gabriel.  Not while her heart speaks so loudly.  Tell me, what does she say as she speaks so solemnly to the little one’s grave marker?”  Was it possible that she might finally be letting go of the anguish that had weighed her down all this time?

Hope having overcome fear Raphael finally took a moment to turn away from her, only because he fully expected to see his brother smile with the knowledge that Catherine would finally be alright.  But Gabriel did not smile.

Mouth agape, he reached toward the scene unfolding before him as if it were the most horrific of scenes. “Raphael, I’m so sorry!” Having said her final goodbye, Catherine had left the cemetery and was by the ocean walking barefoot on the wet, snowy beach.  “Sorry? But… why?” The golden light of the weak winter sun kissed her pale skin and gave the illusion that she glowed from within.  She had never looked so beautiful.  “Raphe, she means to join Molly.”  

Before her the tides were turning, pulling away from the shore and sweeping everything in their path out to sea.  Gabriel fought the ache that overcame him as he watched her wade slowly into the surf, a little further out with every step.  “She means to die”

Ankle deep now, the angels watched as cold salt water lapped at her skin.  Like some strange magic, the palest of pink changed instantly to an even lighter shade of blue.  Horrorstruck, Raphael watched as the hem of her dress became transparent.  Just another casualty of the deadly water that creeped higher up her calves. 

Emaciated as she’d become, her fate was clear.  It wouldn’t take much to sweep her away into the turmoil of dark waters to the end she craved.  The slightest hint of an undertow and she would be letting go of her life as if it were nothing at all. 

The thought had barely occurred to him and the undertow caught her left foot.  She made no effort to save herself.  Looking for all the world as if she were melting into the water, Catherine simply went limp and let herself be taken.  No more than a moment had passed and yet it felt like so much more.  Strange how Raphael now found himself measuring moments from this place where time had no meaning.

“NO!” Raphael was kneeling now, arms outstretched and reaching out to her even though they couldn’t possibly reach that far. “Catherine…” The whimper was hoarse in its desperation.  It was all happening so quickly.

“There is still time, brother.”  A steadying had on his shoulder, Gabriel’s voice of reason in his ear.  Yes. There was still time.  But what was he to do with it?  “What does your heart tell you, brother?”  A question posed insistently, the voice speaking to him the only thing keeping Raphael sane at that moment.  “You can still help her.  What does your heart tell you?”

Eyes wide and wild Raphael was frozen, unable to look away from the tragedy unfolding before them.  There was no question, or rather there was but the one answer.  Something inside Raphael had broken long since which left him with but the one choice.  “So help me, I must go to her.  I must save her Gabriel.”  It was the only way. 

“Then go.  There is no time to waste.”  Gabriel had become quite good at reading not only the people whose lives he was charged with but his brother as well.  Raphael needed to do this, and Gabriel would support him through it as he would any of his human charges.  “Get on with it then, Raphe, she will be dead soon and far beyond your reach if you do not act now.”

Gabriel had barely spoken and already Raphael’s wings were flexing out behind him. One step forward and there was nothing but air coursing over him as he sped through the sky.  All the while only one question echoed through his very soul.  Would he make it to her in time?  Above him, thousands began to pray for his soul.  Prayers lost in the wind as he flew further down, faster and faster.    

He did not stop when he felt himself break free of the mist of cloud cover.  He did not slow when the exhilaration of flying became the vertigo of falling, or when moments later he felt the cold rush of salty water sluice over his body as the ocean rose up to meet him.  Catherine was somewhere in that water, he had to find her.  

Once submerged, however, everything changed.  Raphael had never experienced such cold darkness.   The heavy weight surrounding him was overwhelming.  There was no way to see past the great rushes of bubbles floating up and around his body.  Suddenly finding Catherine felt like an impossible task.  What had he been thinking?  Why had he not thought of the danger this water presented to them both?  How could he possibly save this woman in such impossibly challenging circumstances?  Angels did not doubt or fear for their lives and yet here he was, doing just that.

He’d failed her.  How could he save her if he could not see where she had drifted?  There was nothing left to do but accept defeat and learn how oppressive a feeling that could truly be.  It was such a waste, this sad and tragic end to the kindest most loving woman.  Once again following in Catherine’s footsteps, Raphael stopped fighting and began to drift as grief began to overcome. 

Perhaps it was divine intervention.  Was Gabriel still watching?  Could he see what had become of his brother?  Perhaps it was just coincidence.  Sometimes things just happen as they are meant to.   Whatever the case, Raphael was thankful for it.  Just as he’d begun to allow his eyes to drift closed something very pale drifted through the water past his face.  They were fingers.  Milk white, bone thin, gracefully long fingers so close to his face that if he fluttered his eyelashes they would have tickled her skin.  Catherine.

His reason for being on earth instantly restored, Raphael didn’t waste a moment on hesitation.  Hold on, Catherine.  Words he couldn’t speak aloud for fear of breathing in water, thought out instead as a prayer in his mind.  I’m here.  Stay with me.  Wrapping determined arms around her slender frame, he knew what must be done. 

Pushing hard, with all of his might he spread his great wings as wide as they would go and prepared to carry her away from there.  Unfortunately, it quickly became clear that leaving the ocean would be much more difficult than his initial entry had been.  Raphael hadn’t much experience with water.  There was no need for swimming where he’d come from.  There was no way he could have accounted for waterlogged wings.  He’d had no idea that once in the water they would become much heavier even if there had been time to think that far ahead.  He couldn't rely on wing strength to push his way up and out into the air.  They were useless to him now.

And if his wings weren’t enough of an obstacle to hinder their progress out of the depths, her dress also added extra weight.  The thin, barely-there fabric, soaked as it was, seemed almost as heavy as the feathers on his back.  Thankfully, even thoroughly confused as he was, his body seemed to already know what it should do.  His legs started kicking of their own accord, gaining momentum and moving them forward.  Whether they moved up, down or sideways was difficult to say as the current pulled them this way and that until all sense of direction was skewed.  Raphael was no longer certain in which direction the surface lay. 

An eternity went by as he struggled, lungs and throat burning as he fought the impulse to take a deep breath.  Bits of dirt and debris scratched at his eyes, making it hard to keep them open.  Up, up, please let us be moving up.  This new mantra replacing prayer as he kept pushing on with aching arms gone sore under the strain of fighting the currents to keep Catherine within them.

Finally, mercifully, he broke through the surface and felt the swell of air filling his lungs once more.  He reveled in one very short lived moment of triumph, raising Catherine’s upper body out of the deep with the hope that she would take a breath as well.  The ocean was louder than he’d expected it to be, its motion so disorienting that he could not tell if she managed a breath.  Then the next wave came crashing down on them from behind sucking them right back down into the drink.  Raphael began to wonder if they would ever make it out.

They were so close.  A small part of him wanted to curse the currents he used to watch from afar whose sparkling ever-changing colors had always been so beautiful.  His opinion of them had become much darker now that they were robbing he and Catherine of any chance at survival.  A much larger part of Raphael wanted to curse Catherine herself for having given up hope so completely that she felt the need to resort to trying to drown in the ocean.  If she hadn’t let herself fall so far then there would have been no need for rescue.  For the most part, though, he just wanted to be done with it.  He wanted an end to all the water, the finality of drowning finally over.  Raphael wanted desperately, with every ounce of his being, to be away from this place.  Would have given anything to find himself on the empty beach where he’d watched her stand not so long ago. 

He wanted to hear her breathe.  What a wonderful luxury it would be to just sit with Catherine and listen to the slow, steady hush of her breath moving in and out of her body.  So much better than the deafening roar of water invading every crevice in their bodies.  The mere thought brought him peace within the currents as they whisked them to and fro.  A comforting vision of he and Catherine sitting together in the sand on a lovely day, basking in the golden glow of the afternoon sun.  How glorious it would be!  Such a wasteful shame that they would never be allowed that chance to simply be together.

How unfair that he would find in himself the capacity to feel such magnificent human emotion only to have it taken away as he embraced it.  Raphael found himself wishing he could change it all and ward off this cruel blow fate seemed determined to deal him. 

No! The word filled his head, worked its way into his heart until his very soul was screaming it as loudly as it could.  He would not cede.  He would not simply give up because all seemed lost.  He was RAPHAEL, Archangel of Heaven.  He was Healer, Protector and Guide to all the lost on Earth.  If he had been able to provide such service to countless people over the millennia then certainly he could find his own way out of this mess and perhaps even help Catherine heal the rift in her heart. 

A strange, unexplainable fire began to work its way through his veins.  There was no time to analyze or wonder what was causing it, and at that moment he could not have cared less.  Welcoming the intense rush, he began to kick his legs again.  With already superhuman strength now amplified he kicked and kicked until the muscles in his legs throbbed painfully.  He didn’t care anymore what it would take, or what damage he could feel being done to his body.  All that mattered was getting out of that horrible water.

Somehow he managed to break through the surface again and it felt like the sweetest of miracles.  Having learned his lesson the first time, Raphael did not just stop once their heads began to bob above the waves.  The moment he felt cold air on his skin he began to spread his wings once more, the intent being to take flight in order to break free of their watery would-be tomb.  Unfortunately the act caused a great deal of pain to throb straight through from the very tips of his feathers, all the way across his back and straight down his spine.  The sensation was so powerful and unexpected he found himself crying out.  His arms went numb and he had to fight to keep hold of Catherine.  No matter how hard he tried he just could not lift them both up into the air.  In fact, at this point he seriously doubted his wings could have held even just his own weight. 

Failure once again seemed imminent.  They were floating, yes, too far from the shoreline to be able to swim back.  His wings remained useless.  Catherine still did not breathe.  Worse still, her face had developed an ashen hue.  Her lips had taken an unnatural shade of dark blue.  The one thing he prayed for more than anything, breath, had become too much to hope for.  Raphael knew it as he held her cold, limp form tightly to him.  The pounding heartbeat in his ears was only his own.  The all consuming ache in his chest was not an echo of her own any more, but the keening of his soul for an answering beat of heart that had already gone still.

“Catherine!” The name a wail he could not recognize as his own.  Raphael had never truly known the meaning of terror until that moment.  Facing a world without Catherine, whether from above or below, was a reality he could not even begin to accept