Masked

Should she be pitied or should she be killed?

She sat before me, a stone cold beauty with an even colder heart. Long thick black hair, pale winter white skin, the thin form of a girl between a child and an adult, between coming out of the dream world and entering reality, between her humanity and her dark insanity. And those silvery green eyes that burned with a distant ominous flame as she stare at me. Behind a black mask, without any paint to give life, without any color to give heart, without the edging or lining of lips, without brows to emphasize her eyes, those silver-light radiating emeralds watched me, burning and burying their fragmented sharp daggers stabbing my flesh. This statue that replaced the one I had known so well, the one alone who cared for me, is too poisonous to keep going. How to rid myself of her though, I do not know. How do I destroy the one who had manifested from the one who cared for me and loved me? How do I kill the darkness that came from the luminescent light?

“What is it that you want?”

Such a chilling voice. Do I speak with the devil or do I speak with the Queen of Winter’s heart?

“I want you out of me!”

She laughed, the hollow amusement of a living black-broken doll.

“And how do you presume to do so? By cowering in fear? Sad, how truly sad. All I can feel is amusing pity on my part and self-loathing on yours! Poor child.”

Her bitter laughter resonated in the darkness, the shadows that plagued me. It was then that a dark shadow passed over her, the shadow of her unrelenting insanity. I am not the one here to be pitied…it should be this doll who has already died.

 

Author's Note

So what would you do? If this was you, would you let her live or would you kill her?

Reviews

[Tony Russo]

You should let her live like this, begin to grow and return to normal, then have a major setback or tramatic event that pushes her back deeper into her demons. A struggle begins after an epiphany or a realization that she can escape. From there, she escapes her demons. You could end with some foreshadowing that the demon has not completely escaped yet, and is patiently waiting for another opportunity to show its ugly head.

I think that many people struggle with sentence structure. You, however, have a great rythym and have the ability to keep a sentence going strong. Since you said you are looking for critiques, I offer a couple, but overall, I really like the style.

Here are some suggestions:

Before:
Long thick black hair, pale winter white skin, the thin form of a girl between a child and an adult, between coming out of the dream world and entering reality, between her humanity and her dark insanity.
After
Long thick black hair, pale winter white skin, the thin form of a girl between a child and an adult. She is trapped, fighting to escape the dream world and entering reality, between her humanity and the ease of giving into her dark insanity.

Lose the "And" and this is a perfect description - And those silvery green eyes that burned with a distant ominous flame as she stare at me."

Before:
Behind a black mask, without any paint to give life, without any color to give heart, without the edging or lining of lips, without brows to emphasize her eyes, those silver-light radiating emeralds watched me, burning and burying their fragmented sharp daggers stabbing my flesh. (this is a good pace, just change the withouts to "or" and "lacking", then end it the same way, as the last line is strong.

I like this story a lot and, like the other review I gave, anticipate where you go with it. However, I don't think you need much editing, just let us see where you take it

[Rinni]

I'd let her live. I like this, it's very intruiging.

[Ruby Moon]

i sounds like she lives in the mind...
a part of "you"...yet also apart of "you"
how do "you" kill "yourself"?
so i guess i would have to let her live